Ask the Homo

[U2Kitten]

Do you look at guys as "hot" the same way straight girls do, like the 'hot' Bono pic? Which member of U2 is sexiest to you?

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I'd just like to know what you look like

 

[Do Miss America]

Thanks for awnsering my question! Just one more question, you said in previous years you tried to like girls, but do you think that if you really were determined that you could overcome being homosexual? It sounds like its more phsycological than anything, so is it possible to overcome it?

I don't know how from Irvine's in depth description to your question you concluded that it was phsycological. Is your attraction to the opposite sex psycological?

 

[Irvine511]

Thanks for awnsering my question! Just one more question, you said in previous years you tried to like girls, but do you think that if you really were determined that you could overcome being homosexual? It sounds like its more phsycological than anything, so is it possible to overcome it?

i don't know if i could have been any more determined to be heterosexual. and think about it -- if you have to try at something that's supposed to be natural, just how natural is it? whereas being attracted to men was very, very easy. to be blunt, remember what it is you think about when you masturbate; that's a pretty good way to gague your sexuality.

i don't like the word "overcome" -- i think what must be "overcome" are antiquated soceital attitudes and certain legislative backlashes. that's also the very real danger of getting bashed, but that doesn't happen as much as it used to, though it is still a real thing.

i also think that there isn't a gay person alive who hasn't wished to be straight. if given the chance to be authentically straight -- as in, i am attracted to women in the same way that i am attracted to men, which is to say physically and emotionally -- yes, i think i would take it. i don't like the social costs of being homosexual; i don't like having to worry about whether or not someone might have a bad reaction (and i've been lucky, all my friends basically said, "duh, we already knew" when i came out); i don't want to have to jump through hoops to start a family. there are so many, many things that are taken for granted when you are straight, that yes, if i could switch -- *authentically* switch, non of that ex-gay crap where they teach you to repress your desires -- i would seriously consider it.

i've argued for the psychological componant of sexuality, but it also does come down to one undeniable fact: male bodies turn me on, female bodies do not.

in some ways, it's very simple.

at the same time, though, i think it can be argued that perhaps society needs a few homosexuals. while at this point i plan to one day adopt, there is something to be said for a group of adults who are childless. it can be an opportunity. childless menand women can transfer their absent parental instincts into broader parental roles: they can be extraordinary teachers and mentors, nurses and doctors, priests, rabbis, and nuns; they can throw themselves into chairty work; they can adopt; or they can use all their spare time to excell in their field of work that is sometimes unavialable to harried heterosexual parents. really, where would the Boy Scouts be without homosexuals? the military, too? much of the work done in major cities across the country, the people working 80 hours a week, is done by homosexuals -- they might be the most loyal staffer in an election campaign, work round teh cloc in ajournalistic produciton, be the lawyer most willing to meet the impossible deadline.

it could also be argued that homosexual relationships may contain fetaures that could nourish society as a whole. precisely because there is no model, gay relationships are inspired often by genuine commitment. the mutural nurturing and sexual expressiveness of many lesbian relationships, the solidity and space of many gay made relationships -- these are things that heterosexuals could learn from. there is a necessary honesty between two gay men -- and an explicitness when it comes to talking about sex that at first took be aback, and now i couldn't do without -- and a flexibility that comes with sharing the same gender. these might be much more "equal" relationships than a heterosexual one can be.

finally, there is far less socioeconomic stratification in gay life than in stright life. same-sex desire cuts through class and race, it is a humbling experience that enables you to meet people you otherwise would never come into contact with.

in the end, we are all involved in the procreation of society, but most gays and lesbians are implicated in a much less literal sense.

i'll end with a quote from a gay writer:

"perhaps it requires seeing one's life as the end of a biological chain, or seeing one's deepest emotions as the object of detestation, that provides insight. but the seeds of homosexual wisdom are the seeds of human wisdom. they contain the truth that order is in fact a euphemism for disorder; that problems are more sanely enjoyed than solved; that there is reason in mystery; that there is beauty in the wild flowers that grow randomly among our wheat."

i really love that.

 

[Irvine511]

Will you become a Canadian anytime soon, assuming Canada allows gay marriage?

[...]

Isn’t it more appropriate to speak of a localized legal definition of marriage than a traditional definition of marriage? I mean, it’s obvious “new” traditional definitions have penetrated the dominate North American mindset. Laws must be what’s really at the heart of this matter, no? Hey, weren’t there once laws excluding woman from the definition of person, as with blacks and aboriginals?

One love, one blood, one life…

i've been to canada half a dozen times. i really love it; Toronto is one of the great cities in North America, and i'm sure i'd love Vancouver once i finally get to visit. yes, i would consider immigrating to Canada, though the first country i'd flee to should i want to leave the US would be Australia for reasons that extend back to childhood (dolphins, beaches, etc.). i do love this country, especially the ideals it was founded upon, and i think right now those ideals are under attack and i've got to stay and fight.

but, yes, i'd become Canadian, or at least live there, quite happily.

as for marriage ... i think it's safe to say that marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. there is nothing sacred about civil marriage. essentially, it comes down to rights, tax breaks, and giving people tools to create monogamous relationships which benefit everyone. i would also argue that even 40 years ago we had marriages, especially in the South, that are illegal today. Loretta Lynn was married when she was 14. Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13 year old cousin! today, we call this statuatory rape, despite it's 5,000 years of tradition where men in their 40s and 50s took barely pubescent wives.

if you're really pro-marriage, wouldn't you try to get everyone married?

the marriage debate is so shockingly hypocritical to me, and i say the same thing that i would say to the gun lobby. please stop hiding behind some smokescreen, and say what you really mean. to the gun people: drop the "well regulated militia" thing, and just say "I LOVE GUNS!" to the anti-marriage rights people: drop arguments about "traditions," and just say "GAY PEOPLE ARE GROSS!"

 

[Irvine511]

I have a question that could really help me out. I have a friend that has been dealing with homosexual tendencies this past year. She had a girlfriend for awhile but left her when the relationship got abusive. Now she says she's trying to "go straight." I'm having a hard time relating to her since I'm married and have a kid but I love her as a friend and want to be as supportive as possible. What literature would you recommend for family and friends of people that are "coming out?" --How we can be supportive without being judgmental and also how to keep lines of communication open even though there may be tension in the relationship?

i'm not an expert on coming out literature, but there is TONS of it available. i'm sure if you went into SLC (i assume you're from Utah), you could find a bookstore that's a little more outre than your typical Borders. but if that doesn't work, just do a search on amazon.

i'd recommend getting the most up-to-date stuff possible, as attitudes and understanding of the psychological impact increases daily. i would also recommend contacting state psychological services -- there must be some BGLT psychologists/counselors available. in washington DC, we have the Whitman-Walker clinic. it's a sliding scale clinic where you can get an AIDS test, or seek counseling. it's not exclusively for homosexuals, but probably 60% of the clients are. there must be a similar organization, i would suggest contacting those as well. finding a counselor who has experience dealing with "coming out" is critical.

there is also an organization called PFLAG -- Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. i would suggest contacting them as well, and perhaps going to a meeting.

the most important thing that you can do as a friend is to listen, and not to judge. please understand that she is probably swimming in a sea of inner emotional turmoil. the important thing is to listen, and to make sure that she is making authentic choices and listening to what her mind and body are telling her, not what it is she thinks she should be doing or what it is she thinks she is expected to do.

the most important thing, i think, is for you to create a space where she feels free to really, really talk these things out, exploring every possible nuance. but make sure she is leading the discussion, and that you're following what it is she wants to talk about. coming out is a very self-absorbed time, naturally. and it is often followed by a period of depression as acceptance settles in. i know this first hand -- i was depressed for a good 6 months after coming to terms with it. i remember driving in the rain down wisconsin ave in DC and having to pull the car over because i started to cry. it's a very vulnerable time -- she needs to know you love and value her no matter what.

 

[Irvine511]

A

big thanks and a biiiiiiiig for you

right back at you

 

[Irvine511]

Do you look at guys as "hot" the same way straight girls do, like the 'hot' Bono pic? Which member of U2 is sexiest to you?

yes, gay men and straight women usually make fast friends because of this. my friend's wife and i are currently planning to have a Johnny Depp film festival.

however, there are some differences. i think gay men look at men the way straight men look at women. but it varies as much as heterosexual attraction varies. for me, for example, i tend to divide men into three camps. the first are people that i find wholly unattractive. like Dick Cheney. the second, are people that are universally attractive and are like pieces of art. like Jude Law. the third are people who's looks speak directly to you, and you find them sexy, but not everyone else would. my first boyfriend fit this exactly. he wasn't conventionally good looking, but there was something about the shaved head and the goatee combined with blinding white teeth and his subtly sophistocated sense of style that overcame the extra layer of flab around his belly. he wasn't hot, but he was goddamn sexy.

i love your Bono pic, btw. if we could meld larry's face and body, Bono's charisma, Edge's brain, and Adam's willy -- a perfect man you'd have.

 

[Irvine511]

I'd just like to know what you look like

did you see "The Talented Mr. Riply"?

well, i look *exactly* like Jude Law in that movie.

exactly.



no, not really. i'm 5'11, used to be blond, blue eyes, fair skinned (irish/swedish descent), former butterflyer who's let himself go a bit and could stand to lose 10 lbs. i've been told i look like Andy Richter as well, a comment i'm not sure how to take. i've also been told i look like the eldest brother from "home improvement."

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Aw, sounds nice

esp the 5'11, fair skinned, and Irish/Swedish part

 

[nbcrusader]

former butterflyer

Swimmer or entomologist?

 

[Irvine511]

Swimmer or entomologist?

swimmer. totally. was obsessed as a youth and teenager. to this day, i get silly every 4 years when the Olympics are on. and what a great time to be a swimming fan when we have the two best swimmers, ever, currently competing: ian thorp and michael phelps.

and thorpe? totally gay, i'm told .... but just a rumor. please, no lawsuits!

 

[Irvine511]

I have a question that could really help me out. I have a friend that has been dealing with homosexual tendencies this past year. She had a girlfriend for awhile but left her when the relationship got abusive. Now she says she's trying to "go straight." I'm having a hard time relating to her since I'm married and have a kid but I love her as a friend and want to be as supportive as possible. What literature would you recommend for family and friends of people that are "coming out?" --How we can be supportive without being judgmental and also how to keep lines of communication open even though there may be tension in the relationship?

try this to start: http://www.pflagslc.org/



also:

PFLAG Salt Lake City
2779 Hampton Park Drive
Salt Lake City, UT 84119
801.975.0735
801.244.6423
president@pflagslc.org
http://www.pflagslc.org



PFLAG St. George
823 Harrison
Saint George, UT 84790
435.673.3356
801.244.6423
claudiab@redrock.net

 

[melon]

Thanks for awnsering my question! Just one more question, you said in previous years you tried to like girls, but do you think that if you really were determined that you could overcome being homosexual? It sounds like its more phsycological than anything, so is it possible to overcome it?

"Trying to like girls" is mostly due to cultural conditioning. Contrary to what many on the Religious Right like to believe, we already live in an overwhelmingly "heterosexual" world, so when you're about 10 or 11 and you see your classmates start being attracted to the opposite sex, while you're not, you wonder what's going on.

There may be a few years after that where you really just don't have a word for what you feel, and you just stumble around feeling "different." Eventually, though, you learn what a "homosexual" is, and it all makes sense. It is, essentially, a word for what you've been feeling all along.

This is generally why I take great offense to the Religious Right claiming that "the homosexual agenda" is "recruiting." No, I can guarantee that most everyone has the feelings before they can put a word on what those feelings are.

Melon

 

[angel_of_L.A.]

yes. and we need, and appreciate, all the love and support we get from Christians. on FYM, i've learned so much about the side of Chirstianity that i was never exposed to, nor do i hear much about on TV, thanks to Dobson, Falwell, Robertson, and W.

it makes me re-think my own relationship to christianity. needs more thought, but the fact that Christians are as diverse as any community makes me feel much more warmly towards the Church.

My parish has gay-lesbian spiritual retreats.


Ok, my question:

Are you wearing jeans?

What other bands besides U2 do you listen to?

 

[Doozer61]

Irvine, you are doing a great job here!


And, for the record, I have terrible gaydar

 

[lauren430]

did you see "The Talented Mr. Riply"?

well, i look *exactly* like Jude Law in that movie.

exactly.

Can I just say that if this were true I would be on your doorstep later tonight, gay or straight...

Also, thank you for putting yourself out there in this thread.

 

[Irvine511]

My parish has gay-lesbian spiritual retreats.


Ok, my question:

Are you wearing jeans?

What other bands besides U2 do you listen to?

since i have the week off from work -- starting a new job, (and got a promotion!) tomorrow -- i am in a pair of nylon athletic pants and a blue-hooded sweatshirt. i haven't shaved in two days. it's been a great week!

i wear jeans a lot -- i have a job where i can usually wear them to work, which is great, because i love them so. especially Lucky jeans.

bands other than U2: REM, Bruce Springsteen, Radiohead, Lucinda Williams, Elvis Costello, Coldplay, Aimee Mann, Kate Bush, Meshell N'degeocello, Stones, Beatles, Beach Boys, Blur, and many more

 

[angel_of_L.A.]

since i have the week off from work -- starting a new job, (and got a promotion!) tomorrow -- i am in a pair of nylon athletic pants and a blue-hooded sweatshirt. i haven't shaved in two days. it's been a great week!

i wear jeans a lot -- i have a job where i can usually wear them to work, which is great, because i love them so. especially Lucky jeans.

bands other than U2: REM, Bruce Springsteen, Radiohead, Lucinda Williams, Elvis Costello, Coldplay, Aimee Mann, Kate Bush, Meshell N'degeocello, Stones, Beatles, Beach Boys, Blur, and many more

Congratulations on your new job and promotion!!!

 

[-macphisto-]

Thanks Irvine- your the man

 

[Irvine511]

Thanks Irvine- your the man

right back at you.

and i always appreciate the honesty of your comments -- you're not afraid to say what you think, and there's a sincerity in all your posts that i find really compelling.

 

[joyfulgirl]

Is there currently a better term than "fag hag" to describe women with lots of gay male friends?

 

[dlihcraw]

...as for marriage ... i think it's safe to say that marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. there is nothing sacred about civil marriage. essentially, it comes down to rights, tax breaks, and giving people tools to create monogamous relationships which benefit everyone. i would also argue that even 40 years ago we had marriages, especially in the South, that are illegal today. Loretta Lynn was married when she was 14. Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13 year old cousin! today, we call this statuatory rape, despite it's 5,000 years of tradition where men in their 40s and 50s took barely pubescent wives.

Exactly. Why have a liberal constitution when you don't intend to use it?

 

[U2utah2U]

Thanks Irvine, I will check out PFLAG. I have of course heard about it but it is definitely another thing to take a serious look at the literature and attend a meeting. I am very concerned about my friend because she has had three suicide attempts since I've met her, two of which were in the last six months.

I have a gay friend in Madrid that had to take a break from the US and he has suggested a few things for me to look at. There is a ton of literature. It gets overwhelming when I look at it all. I'm not really sure where to start. However, I'll contact the folks at PFLAG in SLC. (Yeah, I'm about 45 min. south of Salt Lake.) I am sure they have specific recommendations for friends and families from a religious background and how to support somebody that also comes from a strong religious upbringing. I can imagine the difficulty of coming out in American society but to compound that with a deep Christian upbringing has to be hard.

It doesn't bother me that she is attracted to women, what really concerns me is that her first lesbian relationship was not positive. It was very abusive. That, compounded with her history of depression and the recent "calls for help" have my wife and me very concerned. What we have tried to do is make our home open to her as a sort of safe haven when she needs it.

Any way, it is a precarious situation right now but I am optimistic. Thanks again.

Another question that follows up on some of the marriage issues that have been presented:

I have my religious beliefs but I will not force them on somebody that doesn't share them. I also fully endorse the separation of church and state. The same liberties that allow me to worship the way I want should equally protect a person that leads a lifestyle contrary to what I believe. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience approve legistation that limits a persons civil liberites and benefits that are the result of a legal civil union (i.e. insurance benefits, tax breaks). My question may be poorly articulated and I have to plead partial ignorance, but I have spoken to the few gay friends and acquaintences about this issue.

Would you be okay if there was legislation that approved civil unions, granting you and your partner all the same legal benefits as a hetersexual marriage, even if it was called something different? I know there are a lot of underlying issues, and from what I can gather there are diverging opinions within the gay community. From what my friend in Madrid has explained, there are people that want their marriage to be just as legally and socially accepted as their Baptist neighbors' marriage down the street. Then there are those that are fine with a "civil union" that is legally binding like a marriage but doesn't use the same word.

Thoughts?

(Thanks again for starting this thread.)

 

[Mrs. Edge]

I am kind of embarasssed even to ask this, when I have so many gay and lesbian friends, but there is something I have always wondered about.

Why would a lesbian who is totally unattracted to men be attracted to butch lesbians who look/act just like men?!? Wouldn't the idea be to be attracted to the most femine of females?

 

[Irvine511]

Is there currently a better term than "fag hag" to describe women with lots of gay male friends?

it's interesting ... while i think the term can be cute, most gay men who talk about their "fag hags" to other gay men usually mean it in the pejorative. there are many women, who tend to be insecure, who surround themselves with gay men because they crave male attention. this is distinct from other straight female friends who aren't looking for any special kind of affirmation -- those we call "friends." one thing i am aware of, and many other gay men are aware of, is that many women can actively seek out gay friends simply because they are gay, and they think this makes them look trendy, or hip, or sophistocated, or whatever. it's kind of how, if you went to an all-white high school, the few black kids get turned into mini-celebrities and everyone is quick to say just how wonderful they are because all the white kids are so eager to prove that they're not racist. the same structure is in place here. no one likes to be a novelty act, and the term "fag hag" is usually for those women seeking the novelty of gay men, and seeing gay before they're seeing the friend.

that said, there are some women who have lots of gay friends because they simply have qualities that gay men (in general) find very endearing. one of my closest female friends is like this. she's a bit brassy, a bit loud, a bit lewd, has an amazing sense of style, and don't take shit from no one. when we go out to gay bars (once in a blue moon), she gets more attention than i do. i remember taking her to a mostly gay party once, and by the end of the evening, she was being spoon fed homemade peach cobbler by a cadre of adoring gay men.

she, however, is not a hag, she's a friend.

i would guess that you're a friend, not a hag.

 

[Muggsy]

I have some questions hope I'm not very intrusive..

*have you ever had to deal with a girl who had a crush on you?

* (i don't know how to ask this ): how do you feel when people identify you by your orientation, instead of other aspects of your persona?

 

[Irvine511]

Exactly. Why have a liberal constitution when you don't intend to use it?

beats me.

 

[Irvine511]

Another question that follows up on some of the marriage issues that have been presented:

I have my religious beliefs but I will not force them on somebody that doesn't share them. I also fully endorse the separation of church and state. The same liberties that allow me to worship the way I want should equally protect a person that leads a lifestyle contrary to what I believe. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience approve legistation that limits a persons civil liberites and benefits that are the result of a legal civil union (i.e. insurance benefits, tax breaks). My question may be poorly articulated and I have to plead partial ignorance, but I have spoken to the few gay friends and acquaintences about this issue.

Would you be okay if there was legislation that approved civil unions, granting you and your partner all the same legal benefits as a hetersexual marriage, even if it was called something different? I know there are a lot of underlying issues, and from what I can gather there are diverging opinions within the gay community. From what my friend in Madrid has explained, there are people that want their marriage to be just as legally and socially accepted as their Baptist neighbors' marriage down the street. Then there are those that are fine with a "civil union" that is legally binding like a marriage but doesn't use the same word.

Thoughts?

(Thanks again for starting this thread.)

best of luck with your friend.

you're right, there are mixed feelings in the gay community about the whole marriage rights issue. generally, there are three groups:

1. total marriage equality -- marriage is viewed as a civil right, and the denial of these rights is tantamount to second class citizenship, being 3/5ths of a person. the declaration of independence says that all people are entitled to the rights of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," and if you feel you need marriage to be able to pursue happiness, you're constitutional rights are being trampled on as well. the reason why civil unions are not enough is because, if we see marriage as an ideal, than having a sort of Plan B, a "marriage lite" option, will actually do more to weaken marriage.

2. civil unions -- many gay people actually agree that marriage should be between men and women. this might be due to cultural conditioning, or maybe they simply don't care, or maybe they do agree with traditionalists. however, they feel there must be some sort of structure in place for long term couples to have hospital visitation rights, inheritance rights, adoption rights, etc. this is before my time, but i have heard stories of, say, a long term couple where one dies of cancer, or AIDS, or a car accident, or whatever. perhaps the deceased had financial assets, property, etc. there is nothing that could legally prevent the deceased's parents from seizing control of his assets, and leaving the long term partner with absolutely nothing. sometimes, particuarly in the past, this was done out of spite for the partner. civil unions provide protection for same sex couples without freaking out the masses too much. many see civil unions as a necessary first step, and marriage as a future goal.

3. no unions -- there are others in the gay community who see themselves as social outsiders, and are happy to be as such. they see society in highly ironized terms, and want little to do with domestic trappings, or think marraige, even for heterosexuals, as a total sham. they want to forge their own way through life, to live independent of another person, to have free and open sexual relationships whenver and with whomever they choose, and see this as a path of human liberation from social constraints that have been shucked off the past half century or so.


as for myself, i fall into the pro-marriage camp. but i'll settle for civil unions. generally speaking, the younger you go, the more traditional gay people see themselves. whereas the idea of a stable relationship, and maybe children, was unthinkable for gay men who are now in their 50s, it is now a very attainable reality for gay men in their 20's (like me). some gay men abhor the idea of monogamy (as do some straight men). for me, while i don't think i would leave a long term relationship solely because of infidelity, i see monogamy as a worthwhile goal. i want a monogamous relationship, i want stability, and i see marriage as the best way to go about creating these things.

 

[Irvine511]

I am kind of embarasssed even to ask this, when I have so many gay and lesbian friends, but there is something I have always wondered about.

Why would a lesbian who is totally unattracted to men be attracted to butch lesbians who look/act just like men?!? Wouldn't the idea be to be attracted to the most femine of females?

i really don't know, but i know what you are talking about. as for myself, i am attracted to very masculine men -- the Russel Crowe's of the world (minus the whole being-a-total-asshole part). but women and men are different.

the only thing i can offer is that lesbians are attracted, usually, to other lesbians. what one women finds to be attractive in another probably goes much deeper than the more cosmetic attractions that men tend to be intially turned on by.

and lesbians have a vagina, whether butch or femm. men don't.

it might be as simple as that.

can any lesbians out there expand on this?