9th Circuit Court of Appeals Declares U.S. COnstitution Unconstitutional - U2 Feedback

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Old 07-03-2002, 09:57 PM   #1
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9th Circuit Court of Appeals Declares U.S. COnstitution Unconstitutional

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A three judge panel of the 9th Circuit Cour of Appeals struck down the U.S. Constitution today in a case involving a citizen who was offended by the wording of the document.

Ima Jerkoff, a bureaucrat from Marin County, sued the United States due to the use of the word "Blessings" (with a capital "B") in the preamble to the document which was ratified in 1789.

Jerkoff, in his original complaint, cited one of many definitions of "Blessing," specifically "A declaration of divine favor, or an invocation imploring divine favor on some or something; a benediction; a wish of happiness pronounces" as being inherently religious and therefore having no place in the secular nation's organizational document. The defense, for the United States, conceded that this was the definition of "Blessings" implied by the authors of the document, but that it did not establish any particular religion or deity as the bestower of such "Blessings." The crux of their defense was that a passage inscribed within the Constitution itself can not be "unconstitutional," but the Jerkoff and the 9th Circuit panel disagreed.

"Mr. Jerkoff has been visibly offended at having to work and live under a document which claims to be "Blessed" by a deity that possibly does not exist, and his mistreatment must be remedied. Such a document shall not stand as the law in a nation which was founded on the premise of a wall of seperation between church and state. Every United States citizen has the clearly defined right not to be offended, and safeguards of justice in defending that right are supreme in all matters of law," wrote a judge for the unanimous panel, all of whom heard the case and ruled anonymously due to political fallout from last week's Pledge of Allegiance ruling.

Jerkoff filed the complaint after reading a copy of the U.S. Constitution for the first time in his life at the age of forty-four. He had been watching a local access program on cable television wherein a marxist blasted the U.S. Constitution, bringing it to Jerkoff's attention. After doing some research and looking at a dictionary, Jerkoff determined that the document was indeed offensive to his beliefs and thus filed a lawsuit.

"I realized that this document had traumatized me and held me back my entire life and even back to the Constitution's inception. Some will say that I am just an attention-starved boob, but I am serious. I have been offended by this theocratic document," Jerkoff said from his organically-friendly Marin County home. Asked how he suddenly discovered his trauma after the document had been in existence for over 200 years, Mr. Jerkoff said it took him that long to fully understand the damage that it had caused.

The 9th Circuit panel offered some strong wording in their opinion that seems to challenge any appeal of the ruling. "The 9th Circuit as a whole and the U.S. Supreme Court have issued numerous flawed rulings in overturning decisions of panels of this Court. Let it be known that this ruling shall stand final in this case. Any Motion for Appeal is hereby denied." An also anonymous spokesperson for the panel commented that several members of the 9th Circuit are "sick and tired of cowboy judges from Wyoming and Idaho overturning their decisions" referring to the more conservative members who would possibly sit in on a re-hearing of the entire 9th Circuit. The spokesperson also added that "the U.S. Supreme Court shows no judicial respect for our decisions, which we take as a slap in the face."

A spokesperson for the U.S. Attorney's office that defended the case said that those claims are "not unlike the claims made by Senators from the states that seceded and formed the Confederacy in 1861, which I consider treasonous."

Although this ruling is apparently appeal-proof, at least to the 3-judge panel, Mr. Jerkoff's day in court is not over. He also has an appeal under review in which he challneges the Declaration of Independence due to its use of the words "God" and "their Creator." Jerkoff wishes to have the Declaration of Independence invalidated, thus effectively returning the United States to British rule. When asked if he realizes that such a ruling would restore the Church of England as the official religion of the land, Jerkoff said "It's the principle of the thing. I basically want to prove how offensive the ideals of the United States are."

Ironically, the panel was expected to rule on the Declaration of Independence this week, but delayed it due to potential conflicts with the Independence Day hoilday. "The panel feared that angry holiday revellers would taunt them with firecrackers and bottle rockets all weekend," said their anonymous spokesperson. He assured a ruling by early next week.
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Old 07-03-2002, 10:12 PM   #2
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Wondering if we return back to British rule, would that make it President Blair or Prime Minister Bush, or Prince Bush. Perhaps I should go meat Jerkoff and ask for a clarification.

I think, that at least then we could get some George Michael videos on MTV. Poor Elton John though, he would get screwed in taxes for owning so many properties. Then we could make Sir Paul McCartney a Jedi Knight, and the Rolling Stones would be all over TRL with Robbie Williams. And the Osbournes would finally be un-censored.

Then maybe Gwen Stefani would lose her intrest in that foreign boy from Bush, and I would finally have less in common with Jerkoff.
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Old 07-03-2002, 10:31 PM   #3
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That was a good one U2Bama!
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Old 07-03-2002, 10:32 PM   #4
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Damn good post, pardner.

I mean, jolly good show. Three cheers to the distinguished gentleman from the Queen's colony of Alabama.

(If we're going back to the Mother Country, we might as well start talking like Brits. )

Anyway, the U.S. Senate came to a very similar conclusion in an oft-quoted Senate Bill 2690.

It's final finding:

Quote:
(16) The erroneous rationale of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in Newdow would lead to the absurd result that the Constitution's use of the express religious reference `Year of our Lord' in Article VII violates the First Amendment to the Constitution, and that, therefore, a school district's policy and practice of teacher-led voluntary recitations of the Constitution itself would be unconstitutional.
If I read this correctly, the 99 members of the U.S. Senate who voted for this bill are using the gentle language of politics to tell the circuit court they're a bunch of tools.

Lovely.
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Old 07-03-2002, 10:49 PM   #5
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lol...
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Old 07-03-2002, 10:50 PM   #6
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Bama
Thank you

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Old 07-03-2002, 11:02 PM   #7
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Diamond, there is that sig I like so well!

Melon, see you are fitting in with your future party "old guard" very well.
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Old 07-05-2002, 12:02 AM   #8
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This is getting ridiculous! People are suing left and right because of all of the religions references in legal papers. When will it stop!
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Old 07-05-2002, 12:53 AM   #9
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Old 07-05-2002, 12:45 PM   #10
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I'm offended and outraged that the Constitution is so obviously a religious document!
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Old 07-05-2002, 02:15 PM   #11
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Just a question, in the improbable cause that USA is still a colony of the UK? does that apply to the original 13 colonies? will a new independence war start? will the english fight? what will happen to the rest of the country? just pointing at how ridicule all this is.
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Old 07-05-2002, 04:25 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by rafmed
Just a question, in the improbable cause that USA is still a colony of the UK? does that apply to the original 13 colonies? will a new independence war start? will the english fight? what will happen to the rest of the country? just pointing at how ridicule all this is.
It depends. The original 13 colonies would all go back to the UK. If the UK wanted to annul all of the deals the US made since 1776, most of the rest of the country would go back to France, the Southwest would go back to Mexico, and Alaska would go back to Russia.
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Old 07-05-2002, 05:49 PM   #13
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Remember at the time the British controlled all of Canada and everything east of the Mississippi river. So it wouldn't just be the 13 colonies.
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Old 07-05-2002, 06:07 PM   #14
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Canada returning to UK rule?

Great. That way, I can pay resident student fees when I go there to grad school.
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Old 07-11-2002, 08:26 PM   #15
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In the midst of all of the chaos, I may launch a seperatist movement for the state of Alabama. I will make all of the laws.

~U2Alabama
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