TREASURE #19

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whortenses 1: the first whortense

france, a.d. 576

o what a story indeed. out of all the known humanoid species, none has inspired equal awe and terror than whortenses. whortenses, contrary to popular belief, exist everywhere in every capacity. while often characterized by compulsive self-mutilation caused by a severe lack of guanine in whortense dna, along with sexual maturity at a frighteningly young age, some as young as 2 years old, this is not the defining characteristic of a whortense, as some, after incidental autopsies have discovered, some whortenses walk amongst the earth in frightening perfection, beautiful enough that some have graced model runways. in fact, if it hadn't been for these models' deaths by starvation and heroin overdoses, doctors might not have ever taken the time to even notice that these creatures were, indeed, whortenses.

the unfortunate stereotype of whortenses include, as stated above, self-mutilation at the hands of a lack of one essential compound dna nucleotide, guanine. however, it is a misnomer to believe that such a deformity is confined simply to the whortense family. but these stereotypes, indeed, have shaped the way society views these unfortunate souls.

it is commonly believed that the first whortense came out of the union between the sixth comte d'argueil and his wife, the comtess franchesca d'avignon. a true love affair amongst the franks if ever seen, but the comte d'argueil's father, the fifth comte d'argueil, was an infamously philandering noble, who boasted having slept with over 10,000 women--many the daughters of vassals, but also included much of the nobility. the fifth comte, shortly after the conception of the sixth comte, died of a previously unknown illness, but, from described through the second-hand accounts of christian scholars who were part of his entourage, appeared to have been early cases of "st. ilatius rash." unfortunately, as st. ilatius rash can have up to a 16-year dormancy period, while still contagious, and can, in some instances, be transmitted to offspring as far as six generations in the future without showing symptoms, this was well the cause of concern amongst the nobility.

the immediate reaction, of course, was to kill everyone within the peasantry who the fifth comte had intercourse with. that was simple enough, considering the comte kept a diary of all the people he had slept with, along with explicit and intimate details of what these people looked like, clothed and unclothed, and the approximate area where they lived. and, as for those the peasantry had spread the st. ilatius rash--well, it was incomprehensible at that time to believe that such an epidemic could be traced back to the fifth comte. the trouble, however, was within the nobility. it would be highly suspicious to start systematically purging the nobility, and, of course, there were obvious emotions holding them back.

being the God-fearing people they were, the pregnant comtess, afraid for the safety of her child, summoned the abbe, also named ilatius coincidentally. the comtess demanded that the abbe ilatius exorcise the demons from her. the abbe consented, knowing full well that he was a man of God.

oh the horrors! the pregnant comtess writhed in psychosomatic pain, putting great strain on her unborn child, but it was no worry. the abbe ilatius could not fail her. after what seemed like an eternity, the comtess felt exorcised, and rewarded the abbe with the promise of cardinalship if she could be successful in her attempt to woo the recently widowed king, whose wife had also been lost to st. ilatius' rash--but they hadn't consummated their love out of mutual hatred and had never borne a child.

eight months passed like a dry wind, and the comtess soon gave birth to seemingly healthy boy--hence, the birth of the sixth comte d'argueil. he was a strapping lad, well loved by all who knew him, and the king took notice of this boy and his widowed mother. the king and the fifth comtess soon wed, but the boy could never be king, as he was not of his seed. no matter. stately deeds did not interest this young comte d'argueil, and, like his father, his mind was set on more lustful subjects. but, unlike his father, he did not set out to sleep with the whole of france, but to find that one soul he could madly and passionately fuck on will. he found such a soul with the minor noble, franchesca, daughter of a long-since desposed austrian lord. it was no matter to the young comte. he found his objet d'amore and married promptly, upon which they conceived a new child. this was quite the scene at the time: the 19 year-old comte had conceived a child far sooner than many had expected.

but it all came crashing down nine months later. something was wrong, as the poor comtess franchesca writhed in labor pains. this child would not come out! the now elder abbe ilatius prescribed the proper remedy as prescribed by the church: the child must take precedent over the comtess franchesca. extreme, unspeakable measures were taken, but the child was eventually delivered. the comtess, unbelievably, had survived too, but she was now only a shade of her former self. the child, however, had horrified the new father. this was not a child, he insisted, but a demon, having a repugnant smell, the cry of a gophaphmet, and the look of a homulculant. the abbe ilatius put the blame on the unfortunate comtess franchesca, who must have allowed herself to sin! the remedy was simple. the comtess franchesca must be cloistered for repentance, while that child of satan must be smitten from the earth.

the comtess, however, could not accept such a punishment. she had consigned herself to a cloistered life; she saw it fit atonement for whatever she had done to cause her child such deformities. but she could not allow the murder of her child. the abbe and the comte ordered young priest to do away with this child, but, unbeknownst to them, the priest and the comtess had known each other intimately prior to his ordination, but had not seen each other in the years that followed. but they had known each other in a capacity where words were no longer necessary to communicate between the two.

the priest, reading the internal anguish of the poor comtess, saved this child from certain murder and sent her to a far-secluded convent in the north. the nuns, horrified, but dedicated in their charity, agreed to raise this child. as she had no name, the nuns christened her "hortense," meaning "gardener" in latin. while deformed, hortense would serve a higher purpose, as all are worthy under God...

(to be continued...)

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~whortense wiffin
walla walla, washington
 
I can't wait to read more.
biggrin.gif
 
See now, this is the sort of thing I wanted in response to the post in "ask whoretense".

*sigh*

It IS a treasure though....
 
A Whortense divided "amongst" itself cannot stand...

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"I don't know you,
But you don't know the half of it..."
 
for those who like me want to know how the whortenses came of age :|
 
..I can't find the continuation..can't remember if he did pursue the tale
 
whortenses 2: the attack of the clones

france, a.d. 599-600

hortense, being a ripe old age of 23, had been married twice, and bore 12 children, 5 of which were stillborn and 3 of which she ate, having not been properly caged separately from her young. her first husband, hardecanute, was eaten by a wild beowulf in front of her. rather than it being a quick and easy death, the beowulf took its time, with the slowness and precision of a medieval christian inquisitor. for three days, hortense was forced to hear the screams of her husband, who insisted that his wife kill him. being both a loyal wife and a devout christian, she stayed by his side, but refused to kill him, knowing full well that, by murdering her husband, she would spend an eternity in flames. at least, that was what the good archbishop ilatus (unrelated to both the abbe and the rash) instilled into her head, as he held out the collection plate.

horrified by the experience, hortense waited a full three hours before she met her next husband, ethelred. ethelred felt that hortense was very much suited to be his wife, as she not only had two breasts, but also a vagina. hortense was relieved to know that she would not go hungry for long, and preceded to procreate child 13. with the year 600 impending, many prophesized that it must be the end of time, where the Messiah would return to burn them all to death. after all, all the prominent numerologists agreed. it was a time both of great expectations and apprehension for everyone, but ethelred took such warnings harshly. he made sure to stock up on three months worth of salt-dried pheasant and cattle's blood to prepare. as the year 600 rolled by uneventfully, making all devout christians very unhappy, the numerologists reminded everyone that the seventh century was going to occur until the year *601.* placated, ethelred and hortense decided to live happily in fear for yet another year.

such happiness, however, was not meant to be, as they were confronted by an old hag, who wished to speak to hortense. ethelred demanded that she leave, otherwise be burned to death. setting herself on fire, though, the hag cackled loudly in front of ethelred, as she squirted hag acid from her teets onto his face. ethelred, promptly, cowered in pain and died. hortense wept out loud, crying for her husband. the hag, however, slapped her, and promptly dragged her by her hair to the hag forest--a quick 2 mile jaunt.

the hag then dropped hortense in front of the hag's lair, where the hag then transformed into her real form--that of the comtess franchesca, her mother! comtess franchesca wept in anger, as she revealed to her dear hortense that she was born of the outcast rani. "the rani! of course!" hortense exclaimed this, pretending to actually know what comtess franchesca was referring to. the comtess slapped her, informing her to never lie again. the comtess told hortense that she was the last of the rani, and that with such a heritage, she has dominion over time and space. "dominion over time and space! of course!" the comtess slapped her yet again, knowing how stupid her daughter was. the comtess, after giving hortense her time machine, assured her that she would figure out how to use it. it had a "joy stick" after all. hortense was always good at playing with ethelred's joy stick, so she knew she would be able to perform this time as well...

(to be continued...)
 
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gop whortense would be proud. gw was just giving a speech and he said that freedom is god's gift to "the human mankind."

:crazy:






:angry:


i want the rest of the story. :mad:







btw melon, sorry i sent you those braindead pm's about my speakers not working. i was quite tired. :crack:
 
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