It's Officially #Advice for Americans visiting England - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > It's Official... > It's Official Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 05-12-2003, 02:50 PM   #1
Blue Crack Addict
 
meegannie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Norwich, England
Posts: 15,798
Local Time: 08:12 AM
It's Officially #Advice for Americans visiting England

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched.

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, specially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so itís a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
__________________

meegannie is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 02:52 PM   #2
Blue Crack Addict
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: gone
Posts: 17,902
Local Time: 02:12 AM
thanks for the tips, ill be sure to use them when i go to england next week
__________________

Chizip is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 03:00 PM   #3
ONE
love, blood, life
 
zonelistener's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: six convenient metro locations
Posts: 14,747
Local Time: 03:12 AM
Ah, yes teh Shin Fane. I heard that before they were peace-makers that they actually cleared all but four of the Gappes out of the Underground. Missed it by four. They are great tossers though.
zonelistener is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 03:02 PM   #4
Offishul Kitteh Doctor
Forum Moderator
 
bonosloveslave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Taking care of kitties
Posts: 9,655
Local Time: 04:12 AM
__________________
bonosloveslave [at] interference.com
bonosloveslave is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 03:33 PM   #5
ONE
love, blood, life
 
FizzingWhizzbees's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: the choirgirl hotel
Posts: 12,614
Local Time: 08:12 AM
Well following that advice would certainly lead to an interesting trip.

Although taxis for £2 would be neat...I'm scared of getting a cab in London since I've never spent less than £12 on it.

"Gappes" on the tube would seem like a minor inconvenience compared to the reality of old men falling asleep with their head on your shoulder, or people apparently not accustomed to using shampoo and soap on a regular basis standing two inches away from you. I swear, everytime I travel by tube I want to take a shower as soon as I get out.

I'm so glad I don't live in London.
FizzingWhizzbees is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 07:17 PM   #6
New Yorker
 
jkayet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 2,551
Local Time: 03:12 AM
ahem, yes. do that. exactly.

jkayet is offline  
Old 05-13-2003, 11:23 AM   #7
ONE
love, blood, life
 
yertle-the-turtle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: York, UK and Singapore
Posts: 11,750
Local Time: 04:12 PM
did you write that yourself?

caber tosser
__________________

yertle-the-turtle is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:12 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com
×