It's Official# Butterflies & Hurricanes

[)(odiaca]

ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!!
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration

01. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
02. Toilet paper: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
03. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
04. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher? Debate among panel of experts.
05. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups.
06. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
07. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. PowerPoint presentation
08. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
09. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. Individual counselors available.

 

[)(odiaca]

The letter to the bank below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for." On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back to you. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)

 

[)(odiaca]

"..never miss a good chance to shut up.."

 

[~LadyLemon~]

i demand a refund

 

[HeadsOnSticks]

me too. this is a rip-off!


ps: i'm now officially a NEW YORKER!

 

[beegee]

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[HeadsOnSticks]

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO

mmmm hmmmm.
monumental isn't it?
yeah, thot so.

 

[zoney!]

this thread takes ForfuckingEVER to load

in honour, I will make a thread for you in LS schticky!

 

[HeadsOnSticks]

 

[zoney!]

 

[HeadsOnSticks]

 

[)(odiaca]

i refuse to wash your swollen feet Mr. Head.

 

[bonosloveslave]

Stolen from Kariann

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public..
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way..
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying..
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, &disorder -- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[HeadsOnSticks]

i refuse to wash your swollen feet Mr. Head.

oh, but you will mr. tapioca. you WILL.

 

[JessicaAnn]

RULES OF LIFE
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any
kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3.The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[Ody]

RULES OF LIFE
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

Sad but probably true. I've never told anyone this, but I've thought it plenty of times.

hmmm.

Merry Christmas?

 

[zoney!]

shine light the fruit of thy womb

tapioca doesn't do dirty work.

 

[Angela Harlem]

chello chello

 

[Salome]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

about 10 of those I do use regularly at the office