Ask the Agony Ant, goddamit!

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Kieran McConville

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Hi, Violet
I think it's about time we all asked the Agony Ant to solve our problems here at Interference. I'm sure many of you have asked the Agony Ant before and now wish you'd got your money back. But this time it's for real. No more false advertising or blatantly invented testimonials from such popular celebrities as Bob Saget.

I just know that if we shout long and loud enough, the blessed Agony Ant will put in an appearance (much like Our Lady of Fatima) and answer all our problems.

So come on, let's see if the Agony Ant will hear us!
 
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Dear Ed,

My local council refuses to come take away my miscellaneous bric-a-brac and broken cane lounges off the footpath. They have been sitting outside my house on the kerb for the last 6 weeks. I have sent numerous letters of complaint to the council, but to no avail. I rang the ombudsman and he told me to seek legal advice. This situation has become so dire, a family of refugee's has taken up residence in my broken lounges. It would appear they have immunity through squatters rights. What will it take to get removal of my cane lounges and now the refugees consisting of 5 adults, 3 elderly, 12 children and a goat?

Fed Up.
 
dear aunt agony ant,

i have two weeks left at my current job, and i have no job to replace it. dear ant, what am i to do after these two weeks?

i decided to quit because i was getting paid too much and it gave me hours that were just too accomodating.

any suggestions would be appreciated.

~unemployed in unfriendly manitoba
 
dear ant-

this is, i think, the first time i've written you. i've seen the others you help, and this time i just can't resist.

my problem is that people tell me i have a short attention span. watchin 30 second commercials for tide make me forget what's going on. usually i can't even make it through a full house episode -- you can see how my life is truly damaged.

i ask of you, agony ant, how can i fi
 
just ask the agony ant a question.

me.jpg
 
Dear Ed,

My local council refuses to come take away my miscellaneous bric-a-brac and broken cane lounges off the footpath. They have been sitting outside my house on the kerb for the last 6 weeks. I have sent numerous letters of complaint to the council, but to no avail. I rang the ombudsman and he told me to seek legal advice. This situation has become so dire, a family of refugee's has taken up residence in my broken lounges. It would appear they have immunity through squatters rights. What will it take to get removal of my cane lounges and now the refugees consisting of 5 adults, 3 elderly, 12 children and a goat?

Fed Up.


Dear 'Fed Up', as Chuck D once mused, it takes a nation of millions to hold us back. Ask not what your city council can do for you, but what you can do for your new tenants. I forsee a great period of growth ahead. More garden furniture, bedding and shanty-shacks will accrue on your front lawn, attracting ever more refugees. In time you will be become president of your own little nation. Fed Up, I suggest you secede from Australia and advise the Queen and the Governor-General ASAP of your new status as a member of the United Nations and President-for-Life of the People's Republic of Woolamaloo. Just think of the tourist revenue.
 
dear aunt agony ant,

i have two weeks left at my current job, and i have no job to replace it. dear ant, what am i to do after these two weeks?

i decided to quit because i was getting paid too much and it gave me hours that were just too accomodating.

any suggestions would be appreciated.

~unemployed in unfriendly manitoba


Dear Unemployed in Unfriendly Manitoba, the Agony Ant sympathises. Manitoba can be a very unfriendly place for a man with your face. I like the sores on your lip, but that's beside the point. As George V once asked, on his deathbed, how fares the Empire? Nobody could offer him a satisfactory answer, as by 1936 there was no empire to speak of. And so it goes for you, Unemployed in Unfriendly Manitoba. I suggest that you take up a new job that pays you even more in excess of your basic needs, and provides the kind of hours that your colleagues could only dream about. I think you know what I'm getting at, UIUM. That's right, become a president. Do you have any army friends? Good. With their help, I'm sure that you could quickly seize control of your home town, quickly seceding from Canada and declaring yourself the first President-for-Life. The revenue from tourism and your new subjects would surely keep you in a life of leisure for weeks to come.
 
dear ant-

this is, i think, the first time i've written you. i've seen the others you help, and this time i just can't resist.

my problem is that people tell me i have a short attention span. watchin 30 second commercials for tide make me forget what's going on. usually i can't even make it through a full house episode -- you can see how my life is truly damaged.

i ask of you, agony ant, how can i f


Dear Short Attention Span... I'm sorry, what were you saying? Ah yes, short attention span. Clearly your life is damaged. I suggest you take on board the advice of Andy Warhol, who said that in the future everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame. Andy went on to add that this was because everyone would have a maximum attention span of fifteen minutes. You are the wave of the future, Short Attention Span, and I'm afraid my fifteen minutes is now just about at an
 
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