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Old 03-13-2002, 01:42 PM   #1
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The truth revealed!

After exhaustive research the truth about what’s happening with U2 can finally be revealed. This information, of course, comes from the highest quality sources all of which I’m sure you will be very familiar with including: “reliable sources,” “sources close to the band,” “close family friends,” band employees who requested to remain anonymous.” In addition “people” and “they” as in “they said” were also consulted as were various quality sites on the internet.

So, this is what is happening. The band decided to cancel their tour because of various developments. One in particular are Bono’s recent distractions. Not only is he trying to save the world, but he is also carrying on simultaneous affairs with Andrea Corr and Samantha Mumba, both of whom want to have his love child! Bono doesn’t actually want to have a baby with either woman, but, you see, aliens recently visited him and gave him the frozen cloned embryo of Elvis and he wants to have it secretly implanted in one of them and just make them think it’s his child. (His powerful politician friends have hooked him up with CIA operatives who can perform the necessary mind altering techniques) Anyway, he can’t decide on which woman (given that Ali refuses to have any more children). And of course, the affairs take up a lot of his time.

Meanwhile, Larry is only pretending to be mad about all Bono’s traveling disrupting the band. What he’s really angry about is that Bono has Elvis’s embryo and he won’t give it to Larry so that Anne can carry it. Larry is, of course, a much bigger Elvis fan. After all, he loved Elvis’s old movies!

As far as the Adam rumors goes, Edge isn’t mad that he had a fling with Courtney Cox Arquette, the problem is that is was a threesome with Courtney and David. The fact that David Arquette was involved is, of course, a sign of serious mental illness on Adam’s part--not because Davids a man, but because he's, well, icky. )Anyone who has seen his long distance telephone commercials will understand)--So Edge wants Adam to get professional help. Adam thinks it’s “that religious thing again” so he’s angry about that and refuses to discuss the matter.

To complicate the matter further, there are credible death threats against Bono from two fronts, but neither stem from a Fatwa from Islamic militants as previously reported. One is from irate PLEBAns who overheard Bono talking to his barber about getting a buzz cut, and the other is from fans who fell into a deep depression when they found out he had gotten hair plugs.

And to top it all off, Edge has recently developed an allergy to wool beanies and has to take some time off to find an alternative.

So there you have it. The ugly truth!

Now would I lie to you?


[This message has been edited by u2utah (edited 03-13-2002).]
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Old 03-13-2002, 01:43 PM   #2
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Old 03-13-2002, 01:43 PM   #3
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hahahah.

I read it on the internet, so it must be true.
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Old 03-13-2002, 01:46 PM   #4
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gold! pure gold!
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Old 03-13-2002, 02:09 PM   #5
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We PLEBAns are not barbarians y'know?
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Old 03-13-2002, 02:15 PM   #6
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Thank you U2Utah for clearing all this up. But I still have urgent questions:

Is Bono getting fat?
Is Larry getting old?
Is Edge getting plugs, too?
Does Adam wear underwear?
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Old 03-13-2002, 02:46 PM   #7
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Old 03-13-2002, 06:45 PM   #8
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This just in.....

Bono announced to the world at the Grammy Awards that, having conquered Rock & Roll, U2's next album would be Bluegrass music! "I think it'll catch on" he said

Actually he did say this (joking of course) and I'm surprised it didn't get passed on as an actual fact given the number of reporters who were so stupid that they thought Bono really did push Edge out of the way when Edge wanted to speak. I mean, how dumb do you have to be not to have seen that it was a joke based on last year's speech and obviously planned beforehand?

Anyway, get your jugs and washboards ready!
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Old 03-13-2002, 06:52 PM   #9
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CLASSIC
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Old 03-13-2002, 06:56 PM   #10
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That would be interesting to hear
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Old 03-14-2002, 12:12 AM   #11
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bwahahahaha!... u2utah, my man, that was simply brilliant! whata mind you have!

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Old 03-14-2002, 12:16 AM   #12
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If only it really were that simple!

(Very funny!)

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Old 03-14-2002, 12:53 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2utah:

To complicate the matter further, there are credible death threats against Bono from two fronts, but neither stem from a Fatwa from Islamic militants as previously reported. One is from irate PLEBAns who overheard Bono talking to his barber about getting a buzz cut, and the other is from fans who fell into a deep depression when they found out he had gotten hair plugs.

[This message has been edited by u2utah (edited 03-13-2002).]
Oh no.... we've been found out..... Girls quick hid the evidence....

Um, I mean, what on God's Green Earth are you talking about?????????? We would never do anything to hurt Bono or his hair, or lack thereof.....





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Old 03-14-2002, 03:22 AM   #14
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Poor Adam was duped...he was told his encounter would be with Rosanna and Patricia Arquette, but instead got David and Carrot Top (collect of course).

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Old 03-14-2002, 03:29 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hewson:
Poor Adam was duped...he was told his encounter would be with Rosanna and Patricia Arquette, but instead got David and Carrot Top (collect of course).

Now there's a mental image I really didn't need in my head .

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Old 03-14-2002, 03:42 AM   #16
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Carrot Head? Poor Adam...
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Old 03-14-2002, 03:42 AM   #17
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Quote:
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One is from irate PLEBAns who overheard Bono talking to his barber about getting a buzz cut
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Old 03-14-2002, 05:28 AM   #18
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Let's send this out now. People need to know.
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