Well Hung at the Grammys
A minute-by-minute lambasting of pop music's biggest night
7:59: Hard as it is to resist the Mama Cass E Hollywood True Story, it's time to switch over to CBS. Mmmmm . . . ham sandwich.
8:00: Wasting no time, are we? Yes, it's the smug mug of Bono himself to kick off the festivities. Hey, Time boy, how many debt-ridden third-worlders died to make those showbiz shades?
8:01: We've said it before, but The Edge remains the epitome of cool. It's nice to see him play guitar, but still, here's three words for ya: "An Cat Dubh."
8:02: Whereas Bono with a guitar = Mick Jagger.
8:03: And what's with the Don Johnson stubble? Is that how he shows up for meetings with Henry Kissinger?
8:04: Do you people have any idea how much we loved U2 when we were your age? More than you love Linkin Park, we promise.
8:06: Tonight, seventeen live performances by fifteen crappy artists!
8:07: Featuring: Elvis Costello: has a new record to promote . . . Dixie Chicks: may never have a new record to promote . . . Kirk Franklin: loves Jesus . . . Al Green: him too . . . Alan Jackson: he's the King of Country . . . Janet Jackson: she's the Queen of Pop . . . Kevin James: he's the King of Queens . . . Kid Rock: rules . . . Dave Koz: hope he jams with Kid Rock . . . Brian McKnight: was great on 90210 . . . Matthew Perry: likes Vicodin . . . Pink: she too, is our guess . . . Britney Spears: mmmm . . . Ralph Stanley: we smell duet with Britney . . . Steve Vai: Fuckin' A, finally somebody good . . . Stevie Wonder: he can see, you know . . . Trisha Yearwood: though if he's lucky, Stevie won't have to see her . . .
8:08: Jon Stewart does a bad airport security sketch. When he takes off his shoes, he's 3' 7". He's so short, Chris Jericho looks down at him.
8:09: Jon gets the word "assplay" in. Thumbs up (so to speak).
8:10: Mmmm . . . assplay. Man, Jon is not in very good shape at all! He's a middle-aged Jewish man! It's like looking at one of us without our shirt off, only with no bong nearby. He may be a little feller, but this proves he's got big balls.
8:11: And here's Matthew Perry, who's got another bad Matthew Perry movie coming up. He's with Britney, who is soooo out of her element here. She's dolled up but the effect is that she looks like one of the chicks who hand over the awards.
8:12: Best Pop Duo or Group With Vocals. Hey, U2 just played, think they'll win? Their competition? Five for Fighting, 'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, R.E.M.. Yup, these are Bono's peers. Seriously, how do you make a value judgement between U2 and 'N Sync? Let alone Five for Fighting, who aren't even a real band! But then, neither are R.E.M. You know what Stipey's thinking: "If we hadn't forced Bill out of the band, we'd be playing the Super Bowl." Know what else he's thinking? "Mmmmmm . . . assplay."
8:13: Bono kisses Britney's hand, whereas Edge, Larry and Adam wisely go for the lips.
8:14: Bono opts for a quick comedy acceptance, presumably saving his ponderous bullshit for later. He mutters something about not being able to get back into Ireland if they didn't win any Grammys. Don't they own Ireland? Yeah, just make a left at Bono Street, go past the Bono Hotel and Bono International Airport will be on your left . . .
8:15: You know what's a really bad song? "Numb."
8:16: Survivor commercial #1. At least we don't have to see ads for Leap of Faith.
8:17: Jon wastes little time introducing the all-star performance by a bunch of skanky hoo-ers we never needed to see in lingerie performing a bad cover from the worst fucking movie ever made. Are we gonna have to sit through this shit at the Oscars too?
8:18: Pink's got a creepy trannie Dale Bozzio thing going. We'd rather see Cyndi Lauper naked. Today.
8:19: We bet Patti Labelle is the special secret surprise. Y'know, since they mentioned her in the opening credits.
8:20: Hey, who's the hot little monkey blonde? Get the fuck out of here! The hair, the breasts, the ass -- Christina's got a record coming out and she's ready for war!
8:20: Damn, there's Missy Elliott to step on our Christina buzz. Now Patti comes rising out of the stage. But where are the other members of Labelle, What's Her Name and The Other One? Who does Patti think she is, Diana Ross?
8:21: Ah, fuck, Patti oversings just like everyone else.
8:22: Did we mention we'd like to do terrible things to Christina Aguilera? Tony Bennett agrees. So does Justin Timberlake, who couldn't be arsed to wear a tux -- hey, you little pisher, this ain't the MTV Awards!
8:23: Hey, Coldplay won Best Alternative Music Album. We saw them open for Terris.
8:24: It's the Backstreet Boys and Sarah Hughes, who's gotta be thinking, "I won a Gold Medal -- couldn't they have given me 'N Sync?"
8:25: It's Best Pop Collaboration, and following the usual rule of "If You Perform, You Win," it goes to the hoo-ers. At least they didn't put clothes on backstage. Oh yeah, Christina is definitely doing it for us big time. This is so unexpected!
8:27: Gladys Knight wins in the category of Best Traditional R&B Vocal. By "Traditional R&B" we guess they mean, y'know, R&B.
8:33: Train, complete with symphony. Yes, these are the giants U2 are so proud to walk among.
8:34: This fucking Pat Monahan has all the charisma of a Canadian front man! It's as if Jonathan Schaech formed a band with the cast of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
8:35: Hey, where the fuck are the Strokes? What time do the White Stripes show up?
8:36: Man, the Five for Fighting guy looks cool compared to this yutz. That said, this is the sort of shit soft rock the Grammys have always been about. Difference is, when Christopher Cross was winning, The Kids didn't think he was cool. You people suck . . .
8:38: In the crowd, it's Ray Romano and his unattractive wife. She loves him. Everybody loves him. Except us. Onstage, Trisha Yearwood is standing with Don Henley, muttering something about how honored she is to be with a man who wrote some of the greatest rock songs ever. Wait a sec -- we don't see Jackson Browne, J.D. Souther and Jack Tempchin standing on stage with her . . .
8:39: The nominees for Best Rock Song are Train, U2 (they won't win, they're a pop band), Aerosmith, U2 again and "Yellow." Go "Yellow!" Go "Yellow!" But it's gonna be Train. (Of course, Coldplay are just the British Train, but let's keep that to ourselves . . .)
8:40: Train know their job isn't as important as, say, firefighters. Hey Pat, thanks for the insight, now shut the fuck up and thank your product manager. Whoa, Train are managed by Jon Landau and Barbara Carr. Does Bruce know about this? What does Dave Marsh think of them?
8:45: Jon reminds us of that often-forgotten 9/11 tragedy, the cancellation of the Latin Grammys. Ay Caramba! Then he makes a joke about radio contest winners, which is the sort of thing that could get you assassinated in this crowd.
8:46: Let's bring out four-time Latin Grammy winner Alejandro Escovedo. It's too bad he doesn't do that regular SXSW gig anymore. But Jason is looking forward to Big Leaves, Soundtrack of Our Lives and a rare performance by local Craig Ross.
8:47: Alejandro is joined by Destiny's Child. Which raises the question, what's the new Austin Powers movie going to be called? We gotta say, in Hollywood, it's very rare that being a dick comes back to haunt you, so "Ha!" to Mike Myers!
8:51: Pammy Anderson, Jamie Foxx and Ja Rule present Best Female Vocal, R&B. Ja has his hands in his pockets and is slouching. Jamie is trying to be funny, but you can't fool us, we saw the MTV Awards.
8:52: And the award for First Crotch Grab of the evening goes to Ja Rule! No surprise there . . .
8:53: Our nominees include Aaliyah, India.Arie, Destiny's Child and Alicia Keys. Y'know, the sort of music rock critics like to listen to (and boy, doesn't that play havoc with David Lee Roth's old "Elvis Costello" theory!) . . .
8:53: It's Alicia, in her bad yoga outfit. Of course Bono has to touch her on the way to the podium. "Who do I thank first," she's thinking. "God or Clive?"
8:54: "This was a lot of years in the making, yo." Pretty street for a Juilliard grad. We understand she's part Cherokee. She thanks God, her family and the people who bought the album before mentioning Clive. He will not be pleased.
8:55: The orchestra is playing Alicia off. Or is that Michael's neighbor banging on her piano?
8:56: We're psyched to see Clooney in the bluegrass thing. He might be the only real rock star here.
8:57: Claire Forlani is doing commercials for mascara. Guess her career is going about as well as Julia Ormond's . . .
8:58: Have we mentioned how evil the E.T. reissue is? Walkie-talkies instead of guns! And we hear that was Drew Barrymore's idea. What a bint!
9:00: It's Tony Bennett and . . . Alan King?
9:01: Think "New York State of Mind" would be nominated for anything if the towers were still standing? We always preferred "Captain Jack" ourselves. Huh-huh -- "masturbate."
9:02: There's been entirely too much music at this thing. It's an awards show! What next, showing movies at the Oscars? Fuck, then we'd have to see A Beautiful Mind.
9:04: Two bells for Jon's Creed gag. Guess they must have opted for the AMAs.
9:05: Bono didn't like the joke. He's so far gone, he doesn't think it's appropriate to mock any artist. Also, he and Scott Stapp have prayed together.
9:06: It's 'N Sync and Nelly. Wait a minute, we just had a song, shouldn't they at least give out one award in between? We want awards on our awards show. We wanted to see James Taylor! And Coldplay!
9:07: Hey, Celebrity was a bit of bomb, wasn't it? 'N Sync are doing their doo-wop crap on stools in front of a curtain, which we figure will rise for the yo yo yo stuff.
9:08: And up jumps the boogie!
9:09: We're really bored now, so we'd like to kick off the first installment of what will be a regular Well Hung feature: exclusive excepts from Kurt Cobain's journals that you won't be reading in the upcoming Putnam book: p. 327, 2/16/94 -- courtney wants to go to the grammys. i hate her i hate her i hate her hate her hate her hate her hate her. if it weren't for Francis I'd . . . oh wait, she's coming. more later, love kurt . . ."
9:10: Best Female Pop Vocal. P. Diddy is so unimportant now, he's out there with Dave Koz and Natalie Cole. The award goes to that airhead Smelly Potato -- obviously, there was some kind of error, and she was supposed to play with 'N Sync before getting the award. By the way, she's like a bird of some kind . . .
9:11: Best Rap Solo Performance goes to Missy Elliott for what should probably be winning Record of the Year. Oh, look, the Grammys are sponsored by Verizon Wireless. But of course they are.
9:12: Apparently Dick Cheney was going to attend the show, but the Secret Service accidentally left his itinerary at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
9:14: New episode of Max Bickford on Sunday! Woo hoo!
9:16: Oh, and Jennifer Jason Leigh is Karla Faye Tucker. Shouldn't that have been a feature from the director of Boys Don't Cry or something?
9:17: Jon breaks out the inevitable Sale/Pelletier joke, which somehow involves Yakov Smirnoff. Apparently his writers caught last week's King of the Hill.
9:18: And it's time for the bluegrass fest. That Emmylou Harris is still one of the greatest looking broads in the history of broads. Alison Krauss doesn't look so bad either. Plus, we hear she can really wail . . .
9:19: Hey, it's great that this music is getting out there, Alan Lomax would be proud, etc., but there's still something creepy and (to quote Sonic Youth) fauxhemian about it. It's this year's Buena Vista Social Club. Yep, Cuba, Mali, and now, Kentucky.
9:20: Hey, here's an idea, someone should try making jazz cool.
9:22: We bet the Strokes are somewhere in England right now, drunk off their ass, having just played an amazing show.
9:23: This O Brother thing is just like the Moulin Rouge bit, only with more clothes.
9:24: It would be fun to like, sleep with Alison Krauss, then make her play after. "C'mon, just one verse of 'Blue Moon of Kentucky!'"
9:25: It's the Dixie Chicks and Sheryl Crow, who'd be kinda hot if we could just get the thought of KY Lubricating Jelly out of our heads. She's old.
9:26: Hey, the Soggy Bottom Boys won something! Good for them. Even if they don't look like Clooney!
9:27: They Might Be Giants won for the stupid Malcolm song. We bet the Refreshments and Clem Snide are jealous! And fuckin' hell, the Super-Expensive Limited Edition of Amnesiac won for Best Packaging and Thom actually showed up for the second-string ceremony. What, Ed was busy?
9:30: It's a Target commercial for the U2 album. Sell sell sell sell sell.
9:33: And now some music from Alicia Keys, who is only twenty. That's a mighty long time to be a has-been . . .
9:34: Alicia's gonna win an award in oh, three minutes, forty-five seconds and not a single chorus from now . . .
9:38: Finally! It's Kevin James and Ray Romano, doing a really, really unfunny bit. Where's Mike O'Malley?
9:41: Bit concluded, Kev and Ray present Best New Artist. David Gray? We saw him in the Eighties.
9:42: Alicia Keys wins. We did not see that coming.
9:43: Best Male Country Vocal went to Ralph Stanley. Cool!
9:49: When is Dylan going to be on? And where are fuck are the Strokes?
9:50: By the way, we wanted to mention that Well Hung's Best New Artist award goes to Jim O'Rourke. Yes, yes, we know he's been around awhile, but in the tradition of the Grammys, we just started just paying attention. That Insignificance rocks!
9:51: Come to think of it, what ever happened to Shelby Lynne? That's what you get for working with Glen Ballard. And what about Macy Gray, is she not "hip" anymore?
9:53: Here's Kid Rock, Rob Thomas and some skirt we don't recognize. Rock blows off the format to give props to the late, great Waylon Jennings. That, among many other reasons, is why we love him.
9:54: Dave Matthews gets screwed. He just played, but loses to U2 for "Elevation." That would be the song they whored to Tomb Raider.
9:55: With a bit of a wink in his eye, Edge apologizes for last year's rambling Grammy speech, then begins to natter on again. You go, Dave!
9:56: Bono pushes Edge away from the mike, saying "He's the guitar player." Hey, fuck you, you egotistical little plank! He begins to spew some self-righteous bollocks about how great U2 are, but the orchestra plays him off. Ha!
9:58: Best Country Instrumental went to "Foggy Mountain Breakdown." Damn right. Now and forever.
9:59: Dylan's coming up. We're rooting for a deep-blues version of "Masters of War," or at least a nasty crack about Cheney.
10:00: Come to think of it, Edge oughtta be the cover of Time -- He Might Not Be Able To Save The World, But He's Way Cooler Than Bono. Now there's a cover line!
10:01: That Portia de Rossi has nice hair. It'd look excellent wrapped around our johnsons, but we digress . . .
10:02: Dylan fucking out-and-out kills. Kills!
10:04: Jesus, they're on fire! Wow! Yes, a sixty-year-old alta kocker is the only true rock & roller in the entire Staples Center. Go Zimmy go!
10:09: Album of the Year goes to O Brother, Where Art Thou?. It seems a mite early, but this is a minor category after all. BTW, you kids really should check out T Bone Burnett's classic solo album, Proof Through the Night, which really needs to be reissued on CD.
10:11: We forgot to mention that U2 got beat. La la la!
10:12: Best Jazz Instrumental goes to Sonny Rollins. Obviously. Best Rock Instrumental goes to Jeff Beck, presumably for that song with all the guitar solos.
10:14: All right, Flyers 1, Devils 0!
10:21: Elvis Costello, Gwen Stefani and Diana Krall present Best Song. Well, two of them know what a good song is, anyway.
10:22: U2 loses another one to Alicia. Bono tries to give her skin again. He's like the Jack of the Grammys, an aging hipster sitting in the front row with sunglasses on. As for "Fallin'," all we want to know is, can any of you sing it in the shower? Didn't think so . . .
10:24: Jimmy Sturr is back! Way to go, baby!
10:25: Love and Theft wins Best Contemporary Folk Album. Erm, isn't it just plain folk?
10:26: Or has rock music become so marginalized that it's all "contemporary folk." Like say, Sonic Youth and the Strokes. Not U2, though -- they play Pop/Rock. And there, to paraphrase Hamlet, is the rub . . .
10:27: Yeah, we know the category was invented for Lucinda Williams and her ilk. In other words, Dylan has spent forty years making records only to become alt-country.
10:28: And let's have a quick shout-out for the late Dave Van Ronk, who taught Dylan how to be Dylan.
10:29: We would rather be six feet under than watch Six Feet Under.
10:30: Here's Michael Greene, making his final appearance as NARAS head. He's supposed to be ticking off new members to their little Hall of Fame dealy, but fucks it up with a big speech about how the Internet is killing music. Sadly, it's the most rock & roll moment of the night, since everyone is so obviously shocked by it.
10:31: Greene's a dolt, but we're not convinced you should be able to steal music. Unless you're African, in which case the world owes you. Or is that the other way around?
10:32: We're happy to see the blacklist has finally ended for Alan Freed.
10:33: So really, what's left? Oh, yeah, that Alan Jackson guy is kind of big right now.
10:34: Even in death, Leonard Bernstein is a guaranteed highlight of any Grammy show. But why does it always have to be West Side Story? What's wrong with Wonderful Town?
10:36: "Fallin'" doesn't hold a candle to a single song in West Side Story. Even "Gee Officer Krupke."
10:48: We pretty much stopped paying attention, but just noticed OutKast seem to have a Little Person on stage with them. Which reminds us, do you know what the three most beautiful words in the English language are? Hardcore Midget Match.
10:49: It's Smelly Potato, who does weird things with her hands, and Steve Vai, who does cool things with his.
10:50: Here's a Contemporary Folk album you kids really should check out: Eat 'Em and Smile. The wild shirtless lyrics of Diamond Dave! The bong-rattling bass of Billy Sheehan! The competent drumming of Greg Bisonette! What a band!
10:53: OutKast give the props to "Arista Records, L.A. Reid and Clive Davis." L.A. is not amused.
10:54: Charlie Haden wins for Best Latin Jazz. Yep, when we think Latin Jazz, we're thinking Charlie Haden.
10:59: Now we understand why there's been a noticeable lack of 9/11 stuff. They were saving it all for the big live performance of "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)?" Look, they're showing children's drawings of the planes going through the towers. Now that's Grammys!
11:00: As for "one of America's most authentic singer-songwriters," we liked it better when lame-ass country singers left Jew York City well alone. Go away.
11:02: Where were we when the world stopped turning? Watching CNN, of course.
11:09: Three hours in, India.Arie finally gets to be on the show. Her neo-soul shit is neither soulful nor neo.
11:10: Neo. He's The One.
11:13: It's Bonnie Raitt, Celine Dion and Stevie Wonder, who's dressed funny in order to keep the fake blind-guy act going. Here's an historical aside: God stole Stevie's talent from him when he wrote "I Just Called to Say I Love You." You have gone too far! I gave you a gift and you wrote this tripe! Forget it!
11:14: Record of the Year goes to "Walk On," a terrible song that nobody actually cares about. C'mon Edge, go for the mike! We're sorry for what we said earlier about "Numb!"
11:15: Edge and Adam say a few words, Larry stands there looking hunkalicious as usual, then Bono butts in, saying U2 is nothing more than "a punk rock band hearing mad tunes in our head that are gospel and folk and psychedelic and hard rock" as the orchestra tries to play him the fuck off. In fact, U2 is what happens when a punk rock band overstays its welcome.
11:16: Best Native American Album goes to Harmonized Peyote Songs. Hey, last year the Indians got to be on the show -- what, was peyote too controversial? Best Chamber Music goes to Haydn. We remember when he was the new Beck . . .
11:17: Before the show ends, let us present Well Hung's Babe of the Night, which goes, in a truly shocking upset, to Christina Aguilera. We're still feeling a little throbby in the pants thinking about her.
11:18: Also, we like Bono's wife. We're thinking we can get her. She's gotta be lonely.
11:20: And the show ends with a little Jesus. Nothing against Al Green and the church choir, but could we get a little equal representation here? Isn't that what the post 9/11 world is about? Where's Andy Statman? Or Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's kid? And howzabout Krishna Das?
11:21: You just know Bono thinks all these gospel songs are about him. Which reminds us of a joke:
So Dave Van Ronk dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says, "C'mon, Dave. Let's go check out the band." They go to an enormous arena where an all-star band is on stage: the guy out of Feeder on drums, Berry Oakley on bass, Johnny Thunders and Jimi Hendrix on guitar, and Bono running around the stage waving a flag.
"I didn't know Bono was dead!" Van Ronk exclaims.
"He's not," St. Peter replies. "That's God, he just thinks he's Bono."
E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com
JASON.COHEN and MICHAEL.KRUGMAN
(February 28, 2002)
A minute-by-minute lambasting of pop music's biggest night
7:59: Hard as it is to resist the Mama Cass E Hollywood True Story, it's time to switch over to CBS. Mmmmm . . . ham sandwich.
8:00: Wasting no time, are we? Yes, it's the smug mug of Bono himself to kick off the festivities. Hey, Time boy, how many debt-ridden third-worlders died to make those showbiz shades?
8:01: We've said it before, but The Edge remains the epitome of cool. It's nice to see him play guitar, but still, here's three words for ya: "An Cat Dubh."
8:02: Whereas Bono with a guitar = Mick Jagger.
8:03: And what's with the Don Johnson stubble? Is that how he shows up for meetings with Henry Kissinger?
8:04: Do you people have any idea how much we loved U2 when we were your age? More than you love Linkin Park, we promise.
8:06: Tonight, seventeen live performances by fifteen crappy artists!
8:07: Featuring: Elvis Costello: has a new record to promote . . . Dixie Chicks: may never have a new record to promote . . . Kirk Franklin: loves Jesus . . . Al Green: him too . . . Alan Jackson: he's the King of Country . . . Janet Jackson: she's the Queen of Pop . . . Kevin James: he's the King of Queens . . . Kid Rock: rules . . . Dave Koz: hope he jams with Kid Rock . . . Brian McKnight: was great on 90210 . . . Matthew Perry: likes Vicodin . . . Pink: she too, is our guess . . . Britney Spears: mmmm . . . Ralph Stanley: we smell duet with Britney . . . Steve Vai: Fuckin' A, finally somebody good . . . Stevie Wonder: he can see, you know . . . Trisha Yearwood: though if he's lucky, Stevie won't have to see her . . .
8:08: Jon Stewart does a bad airport security sketch. When he takes off his shoes, he's 3' 7". He's so short, Chris Jericho looks down at him.
8:09: Jon gets the word "assplay" in. Thumbs up (so to speak).
8:10: Mmmm . . . assplay. Man, Jon is not in very good shape at all! He's a middle-aged Jewish man! It's like looking at one of us without our shirt off, only with no bong nearby. He may be a little feller, but this proves he's got big balls.
8:11: And here's Matthew Perry, who's got another bad Matthew Perry movie coming up. He's with Britney, who is soooo out of her element here. She's dolled up but the effect is that she looks like one of the chicks who hand over the awards.
8:12: Best Pop Duo or Group With Vocals. Hey, U2 just played, think they'll win? Their competition? Five for Fighting, 'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, R.E.M.. Yup, these are Bono's peers. Seriously, how do you make a value judgement between U2 and 'N Sync? Let alone Five for Fighting, who aren't even a real band! But then, neither are R.E.M. You know what Stipey's thinking: "If we hadn't forced Bill out of the band, we'd be playing the Super Bowl." Know what else he's thinking? "Mmmmmm . . . assplay."
8:13: Bono kisses Britney's hand, whereas Edge, Larry and Adam wisely go for the lips.
8:14: Bono opts for a quick comedy acceptance, presumably saving his ponderous bullshit for later. He mutters something about not being able to get back into Ireland if they didn't win any Grammys. Don't they own Ireland? Yeah, just make a left at Bono Street, go past the Bono Hotel and Bono International Airport will be on your left . . .
8:15: You know what's a really bad song? "Numb."
8:16: Survivor commercial #1. At least we don't have to see ads for Leap of Faith.
8:17: Jon wastes little time introducing the all-star performance by a bunch of skanky hoo-ers we never needed to see in lingerie performing a bad cover from the worst fucking movie ever made. Are we gonna have to sit through this shit at the Oscars too?
8:18: Pink's got a creepy trannie Dale Bozzio thing going. We'd rather see Cyndi Lauper naked. Today.
8:19: We bet Patti Labelle is the special secret surprise. Y'know, since they mentioned her in the opening credits.
8:20: Hey, who's the hot little monkey blonde? Get the fuck out of here! The hair, the breasts, the ass -- Christina's got a record coming out and she's ready for war!
8:20: Damn, there's Missy Elliott to step on our Christina buzz. Now Patti comes rising out of the stage. But where are the other members of Labelle, What's Her Name and The Other One? Who does Patti think she is, Diana Ross?
8:21: Ah, fuck, Patti oversings just like everyone else.
8:22: Did we mention we'd like to do terrible things to Christina Aguilera? Tony Bennett agrees. So does Justin Timberlake, who couldn't be arsed to wear a tux -- hey, you little pisher, this ain't the MTV Awards!
8:23: Hey, Coldplay won Best Alternative Music Album. We saw them open for Terris.
8:24: It's the Backstreet Boys and Sarah Hughes, who's gotta be thinking, "I won a Gold Medal -- couldn't they have given me 'N Sync?"
8:25: It's Best Pop Collaboration, and following the usual rule of "If You Perform, You Win," it goes to the hoo-ers. At least they didn't put clothes on backstage. Oh yeah, Christina is definitely doing it for us big time. This is so unexpected!
8:27: Gladys Knight wins in the category of Best Traditional R&B Vocal. By "Traditional R&B" we guess they mean, y'know, R&B.
8:33: Train, complete with symphony. Yes, these are the giants U2 are so proud to walk among.
8:34: This fucking Pat Monahan has all the charisma of a Canadian front man! It's as if Jonathan Schaech formed a band with the cast of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
8:35: Hey, where the fuck are the Strokes? What time do the White Stripes show up?
8:36: Man, the Five for Fighting guy looks cool compared to this yutz. That said, this is the sort of shit soft rock the Grammys have always been about. Difference is, when Christopher Cross was winning, The Kids didn't think he was cool. You people suck . . .
8:38: In the crowd, it's Ray Romano and his unattractive wife. She loves him. Everybody loves him. Except us. Onstage, Trisha Yearwood is standing with Don Henley, muttering something about how honored she is to be with a man who wrote some of the greatest rock songs ever. Wait a sec -- we don't see Jackson Browne, J.D. Souther and Jack Tempchin standing on stage with her . . .
8:39: The nominees for Best Rock Song are Train, U2 (they won't win, they're a pop band), Aerosmith, U2 again and "Yellow." Go "Yellow!" Go "Yellow!" But it's gonna be Train. (Of course, Coldplay are just the British Train, but let's keep that to ourselves . . .)
8:40: Train know their job isn't as important as, say, firefighters. Hey Pat, thanks for the insight, now shut the fuck up and thank your product manager. Whoa, Train are managed by Jon Landau and Barbara Carr. Does Bruce know about this? What does Dave Marsh think of them?
8:45: Jon reminds us of that often-forgotten 9/11 tragedy, the cancellation of the Latin Grammys. Ay Caramba! Then he makes a joke about radio contest winners, which is the sort of thing that could get you assassinated in this crowd.
8:46: Let's bring out four-time Latin Grammy winner Alejandro Escovedo. It's too bad he doesn't do that regular SXSW gig anymore. But Jason is looking forward to Big Leaves, Soundtrack of Our Lives and a rare performance by local Craig Ross.
8:47: Alejandro is joined by Destiny's Child. Which raises the question, what's the new Austin Powers movie going to be called? We gotta say, in Hollywood, it's very rare that being a dick comes back to haunt you, so "Ha!" to Mike Myers!
8:51: Pammy Anderson, Jamie Foxx and Ja Rule present Best Female Vocal, R&B. Ja has his hands in his pockets and is slouching. Jamie is trying to be funny, but you can't fool us, we saw the MTV Awards.
8:52: And the award for First Crotch Grab of the evening goes to Ja Rule! No surprise there . . .
8:53: Our nominees include Aaliyah, India.Arie, Destiny's Child and Alicia Keys. Y'know, the sort of music rock critics like to listen to (and boy, doesn't that play havoc with David Lee Roth's old "Elvis Costello" theory!) . . .
8:53: It's Alicia, in her bad yoga outfit. Of course Bono has to touch her on the way to the podium. "Who do I thank first," she's thinking. "God or Clive?"
8:54: "This was a lot of years in the making, yo." Pretty street for a Juilliard grad. We understand she's part Cherokee. She thanks God, her family and the people who bought the album before mentioning Clive. He will not be pleased.
8:55: The orchestra is playing Alicia off. Or is that Michael's neighbor banging on her piano?
8:56: We're psyched to see Clooney in the bluegrass thing. He might be the only real rock star here.
8:57: Claire Forlani is doing commercials for mascara. Guess her career is going about as well as Julia Ormond's . . .
8:58: Have we mentioned how evil the E.T. reissue is? Walkie-talkies instead of guns! And we hear that was Drew Barrymore's idea. What a bint!
9:00: It's Tony Bennett and . . . Alan King?
9:01: Think "New York State of Mind" would be nominated for anything if the towers were still standing? We always preferred "Captain Jack" ourselves. Huh-huh -- "masturbate."
9:02: There's been entirely too much music at this thing. It's an awards show! What next, showing movies at the Oscars? Fuck, then we'd have to see A Beautiful Mind.
9:04: Two bells for Jon's Creed gag. Guess they must have opted for the AMAs.
9:05: Bono didn't like the joke. He's so far gone, he doesn't think it's appropriate to mock any artist. Also, he and Scott Stapp have prayed together.
9:06: It's 'N Sync and Nelly. Wait a minute, we just had a song, shouldn't they at least give out one award in between? We want awards on our awards show. We wanted to see James Taylor! And Coldplay!
9:07: Hey, Celebrity was a bit of bomb, wasn't it? 'N Sync are doing their doo-wop crap on stools in front of a curtain, which we figure will rise for the yo yo yo stuff.
9:08: And up jumps the boogie!
9:09: We're really bored now, so we'd like to kick off the first installment of what will be a regular Well Hung feature: exclusive excepts from Kurt Cobain's journals that you won't be reading in the upcoming Putnam book: p. 327, 2/16/94 -- courtney wants to go to the grammys. i hate her i hate her i hate her hate her hate her hate her hate her. if it weren't for Francis I'd . . . oh wait, she's coming. more later, love kurt . . ."
9:10: Best Female Pop Vocal. P. Diddy is so unimportant now, he's out there with Dave Koz and Natalie Cole. The award goes to that airhead Smelly Potato -- obviously, there was some kind of error, and she was supposed to play with 'N Sync before getting the award. By the way, she's like a bird of some kind . . .
9:11: Best Rap Solo Performance goes to Missy Elliott for what should probably be winning Record of the Year. Oh, look, the Grammys are sponsored by Verizon Wireless. But of course they are.
9:12: Apparently Dick Cheney was going to attend the show, but the Secret Service accidentally left his itinerary at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
9:14: New episode of Max Bickford on Sunday! Woo hoo!
9:16: Oh, and Jennifer Jason Leigh is Karla Faye Tucker. Shouldn't that have been a feature from the director of Boys Don't Cry or something?
9:17: Jon breaks out the inevitable Sale/Pelletier joke, which somehow involves Yakov Smirnoff. Apparently his writers caught last week's King of the Hill.
9:18: And it's time for the bluegrass fest. That Emmylou Harris is still one of the greatest looking broads in the history of broads. Alison Krauss doesn't look so bad either. Plus, we hear she can really wail . . .
9:19: Hey, it's great that this music is getting out there, Alan Lomax would be proud, etc., but there's still something creepy and (to quote Sonic Youth) fauxhemian about it. It's this year's Buena Vista Social Club. Yep, Cuba, Mali, and now, Kentucky.
9:20: Hey, here's an idea, someone should try making jazz cool.
9:22: We bet the Strokes are somewhere in England right now, drunk off their ass, having just played an amazing show.
9:23: This O Brother thing is just like the Moulin Rouge bit, only with more clothes.
9:24: It would be fun to like, sleep with Alison Krauss, then make her play after. "C'mon, just one verse of 'Blue Moon of Kentucky!'"
9:25: It's the Dixie Chicks and Sheryl Crow, who'd be kinda hot if we could just get the thought of KY Lubricating Jelly out of our heads. She's old.
9:26: Hey, the Soggy Bottom Boys won something! Good for them. Even if they don't look like Clooney!
9:27: They Might Be Giants won for the stupid Malcolm song. We bet the Refreshments and Clem Snide are jealous! And fuckin' hell, the Super-Expensive Limited Edition of Amnesiac won for Best Packaging and Thom actually showed up for the second-string ceremony. What, Ed was busy?
9:30: It's a Target commercial for the U2 album. Sell sell sell sell sell.
9:33: And now some music from Alicia Keys, who is only twenty. That's a mighty long time to be a has-been . . .
9:34: Alicia's gonna win an award in oh, three minutes, forty-five seconds and not a single chorus from now . . .
9:38: Finally! It's Kevin James and Ray Romano, doing a really, really unfunny bit. Where's Mike O'Malley?
9:41: Bit concluded, Kev and Ray present Best New Artist. David Gray? We saw him in the Eighties.
9:42: Alicia Keys wins. We did not see that coming.
9:43: Best Male Country Vocal went to Ralph Stanley. Cool!
9:49: When is Dylan going to be on? And where are fuck are the Strokes?
9:50: By the way, we wanted to mention that Well Hung's Best New Artist award goes to Jim O'Rourke. Yes, yes, we know he's been around awhile, but in the tradition of the Grammys, we just started just paying attention. That Insignificance rocks!
9:51: Come to think of it, what ever happened to Shelby Lynne? That's what you get for working with Glen Ballard. And what about Macy Gray, is she not "hip" anymore?
9:53: Here's Kid Rock, Rob Thomas and some skirt we don't recognize. Rock blows off the format to give props to the late, great Waylon Jennings. That, among many other reasons, is why we love him.
9:54: Dave Matthews gets screwed. He just played, but loses to U2 for "Elevation." That would be the song they whored to Tomb Raider.
9:55: With a bit of a wink in his eye, Edge apologizes for last year's rambling Grammy speech, then begins to natter on again. You go, Dave!
9:56: Bono pushes Edge away from the mike, saying "He's the guitar player." Hey, fuck you, you egotistical little plank! He begins to spew some self-righteous bollocks about how great U2 are, but the orchestra plays him off. Ha!
9:58: Best Country Instrumental went to "Foggy Mountain Breakdown." Damn right. Now and forever.
9:59: Dylan's coming up. We're rooting for a deep-blues version of "Masters of War," or at least a nasty crack about Cheney.
10:00: Come to think of it, Edge oughtta be the cover of Time -- He Might Not Be Able To Save The World, But He's Way Cooler Than Bono. Now there's a cover line!
10:01: That Portia de Rossi has nice hair. It'd look excellent wrapped around our johnsons, but we digress . . .
10:02: Dylan fucking out-and-out kills. Kills!
10:04: Jesus, they're on fire! Wow! Yes, a sixty-year-old alta kocker is the only true rock & roller in the entire Staples Center. Go Zimmy go!
10:09: Album of the Year goes to O Brother, Where Art Thou?. It seems a mite early, but this is a minor category after all. BTW, you kids really should check out T Bone Burnett's classic solo album, Proof Through the Night, which really needs to be reissued on CD.
10:11: We forgot to mention that U2 got beat. La la la!
10:12: Best Jazz Instrumental goes to Sonny Rollins. Obviously. Best Rock Instrumental goes to Jeff Beck, presumably for that song with all the guitar solos.
10:14: All right, Flyers 1, Devils 0!
10:21: Elvis Costello, Gwen Stefani and Diana Krall present Best Song. Well, two of them know what a good song is, anyway.
10:22: U2 loses another one to Alicia. Bono tries to give her skin again. He's like the Jack of the Grammys, an aging hipster sitting in the front row with sunglasses on. As for "Fallin'," all we want to know is, can any of you sing it in the shower? Didn't think so . . .
10:24: Jimmy Sturr is back! Way to go, baby!
10:25: Love and Theft wins Best Contemporary Folk Album. Erm, isn't it just plain folk?
10:26: Or has rock music become so marginalized that it's all "contemporary folk." Like say, Sonic Youth and the Strokes. Not U2, though -- they play Pop/Rock. And there, to paraphrase Hamlet, is the rub . . .
10:27: Yeah, we know the category was invented for Lucinda Williams and her ilk. In other words, Dylan has spent forty years making records only to become alt-country.
10:28: And let's have a quick shout-out for the late Dave Van Ronk, who taught Dylan how to be Dylan.
10:29: We would rather be six feet under than watch Six Feet Under.
10:30: Here's Michael Greene, making his final appearance as NARAS head. He's supposed to be ticking off new members to their little Hall of Fame dealy, but fucks it up with a big speech about how the Internet is killing music. Sadly, it's the most rock & roll moment of the night, since everyone is so obviously shocked by it.
10:31: Greene's a dolt, but we're not convinced you should be able to steal music. Unless you're African, in which case the world owes you. Or is that the other way around?
10:32: We're happy to see the blacklist has finally ended for Alan Freed.
10:33: So really, what's left? Oh, yeah, that Alan Jackson guy is kind of big right now.
10:34: Even in death, Leonard Bernstein is a guaranteed highlight of any Grammy show. But why does it always have to be West Side Story? What's wrong with Wonderful Town?
10:36: "Fallin'" doesn't hold a candle to a single song in West Side Story. Even "Gee Officer Krupke."
10:48: We pretty much stopped paying attention, but just noticed OutKast seem to have a Little Person on stage with them. Which reminds us, do you know what the three most beautiful words in the English language are? Hardcore Midget Match.
10:49: It's Smelly Potato, who does weird things with her hands, and Steve Vai, who does cool things with his.
10:50: Here's a Contemporary Folk album you kids really should check out: Eat 'Em and Smile. The wild shirtless lyrics of Diamond Dave! The bong-rattling bass of Billy Sheehan! The competent drumming of Greg Bisonette! What a band!
10:53: OutKast give the props to "Arista Records, L.A. Reid and Clive Davis." L.A. is not amused.
10:54: Charlie Haden wins for Best Latin Jazz. Yep, when we think Latin Jazz, we're thinking Charlie Haden.
10:59: Now we understand why there's been a noticeable lack of 9/11 stuff. They were saving it all for the big live performance of "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)?" Look, they're showing children's drawings of the planes going through the towers. Now that's Grammys!
11:00: As for "one of America's most authentic singer-songwriters," we liked it better when lame-ass country singers left Jew York City well alone. Go away.
11:02: Where were we when the world stopped turning? Watching CNN, of course.
11:09: Three hours in, India.Arie finally gets to be on the show. Her neo-soul shit is neither soulful nor neo.
11:10: Neo. He's The One.
11:13: It's Bonnie Raitt, Celine Dion and Stevie Wonder, who's dressed funny in order to keep the fake blind-guy act going. Here's an historical aside: God stole Stevie's talent from him when he wrote "I Just Called to Say I Love You." You have gone too far! I gave you a gift and you wrote this tripe! Forget it!
11:14: Record of the Year goes to "Walk On," a terrible song that nobody actually cares about. C'mon Edge, go for the mike! We're sorry for what we said earlier about "Numb!"
11:15: Edge and Adam say a few words, Larry stands there looking hunkalicious as usual, then Bono butts in, saying U2 is nothing more than "a punk rock band hearing mad tunes in our head that are gospel and folk and psychedelic and hard rock" as the orchestra tries to play him the fuck off. In fact, U2 is what happens when a punk rock band overstays its welcome.
11:16: Best Native American Album goes to Harmonized Peyote Songs. Hey, last year the Indians got to be on the show -- what, was peyote too controversial? Best Chamber Music goes to Haydn. We remember when he was the new Beck . . .
11:17: Before the show ends, let us present Well Hung's Babe of the Night, which goes, in a truly shocking upset, to Christina Aguilera. We're still feeling a little throbby in the pants thinking about her.
11:18: Also, we like Bono's wife. We're thinking we can get her. She's gotta be lonely.
11:20: And the show ends with a little Jesus. Nothing against Al Green and the church choir, but could we get a little equal representation here? Isn't that what the post 9/11 world is about? Where's Andy Statman? Or Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's kid? And howzabout Krishna Das?
11:21: You just know Bono thinks all these gospel songs are about him. Which reminds us of a joke:
So Dave Van Ronk dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says, "C'mon, Dave. Let's go check out the band." They go to an enormous arena where an all-star band is on stage: the guy out of Feeder on drums, Berry Oakley on bass, Johnny Thunders and Jimi Hendrix on guitar, and Bono running around the stage waving a flag.
"I didn't know Bono was dead!" Van Ronk exclaims.
"He's not," St. Peter replies. "That's God, he just thinks he's Bono."
E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com
JASON.COHEN and MICHAEL.KRUGMAN
(February 28, 2002)
