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Old 01-06-2002, 01:33 PM   #1
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i love these jokes


So it’s 30 years from now, and Paul McCartney has died. He arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds God already there, waiting to personally welcome the great musician into Heaven.

“I am very pleased with you, My Son,” God tells Paul. “You have done many great things. How would you like a personal tour of Heaven?”

Paul is flattered and excited, and agrees to accompany God. First, God takes Paul to a little tumble-down shack. It is humble and dingey. A tiny, tattered Beatles banner hangs in the window. “This,” God gestures at the house, “is your house here in Heaven. You shall spend eternity here.” Paul is confused, and visibly upset. “God,” Paul says, “I don’t mean to be ungrateful. But why is my house so small?” God laughs warmly. “I don’t think you understand. This is a very rare gift. Only my very special children receive houses.” “Oh! In that case, I am

very honoured. Thank you, God.” He eyes his new home appreciatively for a moment, and then they continue on the tour.

After a while, they come to a huge mansion. It is the most spectacular home Paul McCartney has ever seen. The yard stretches are far as he can see. A giant U2 banner is flying from the flagpole. Groundskeepers in U2 shirts and fly shades are scurrying about, trimming hedges into lemons. The gates to the mansion form a giant PopMart arch. Paul is furious. He stares incredulously at the house. God notices his discomfiture, and enquires, “Whatever is the matter, My Son?”

“God,” Paul says, his voice shaking, “I don’t mean to be ungrateful. But I played with the Beatles, God. We were the greatest rock band in the universe. We broke every record there was to break. We defined rock and roll music. I am truly thankful for my house, God. Really. But look at Bono’s house! I have accomplished so much, and receive only a tiny house. Why should Bono’s house be so grand?”

God is amused. He ruffles Paul’s hair affectionately. “You are mistaken, My Child. There is nothing to be upset about.” He gestures at the property. “ This is not Bono’s house. This is my house.”
Bono and Father Murphy bet that Bono can’t say Mass. To prove he can they agree that Bono pretends to be the new priest and says Mass next Sunday.

So Bono does. Upon return to the office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. One sip of whine. Not the whole cup.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

11. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

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Old 01-06-2002, 01:43 PM   #2
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haha!

loved that bit about Jacob
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