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From The Borowitz Report:
July 24, 2002
AS MARKETS CRASH, THE WORLD ASKS: WHERE IS BONO?
Financial Leaders Demand More Active Role From U2's Lead Singer
A rising chorus of global financial leaders is demanding that the rock star Bono become more actively
involved in resolving the current crisis in the world's equity markets, sources said today.
Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan was the first to call for U2's lead singer to step up
his involvement, telling Congress last week, "There is only so much that lowering interest rates can do.
What this market really needs is Bono."
President Bush, while attempting today to sound upbeat about the state of the economy, made no secret
of his wish that the Irish rocker would roll up his sleeves and calm the roiling markets.
"I think there's nothing wrong with the global economy that Mr. Bono couldn't fix," the President said,
apparently unaware that Bono is not Bono's last name.
But a spokesman for the International Monetary Fund was less charitable, ripping the Grammy-winning
Bono for his hands-off approach to the stunning crash in share prices.
"Bono may like to sing 'It's a Beautiful Day,' but for those who depend upon equities to finance their
retirement, it is most decidedly anything but," the IMF spokesman said.
Bono, who is currently sailing the world on a 4-month Princess cruise with Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill,
struck back at his critics late this afternoon.
"I'm sick and tired of fixing the world's problems," Bono said. "Let Britney Spears solve the global crisis in
equities. I don't give a rat's ass."
Observers say that the Irish rocker's alarming indifference to the current economic catastrophe may be the
direct result of spending so much time with Mr. O'Neill.
"Let Britney Spears solve the global crisis in
equities. I don't give a rat's ass."
classic
July 24, 2002
AS MARKETS CRASH, THE WORLD ASKS: WHERE IS BONO?
Financial Leaders Demand More Active Role From U2's Lead Singer
A rising chorus of global financial leaders is demanding that the rock star Bono become more actively
involved in resolving the current crisis in the world's equity markets, sources said today.
Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan was the first to call for U2's lead singer to step up
his involvement, telling Congress last week, "There is only so much that lowering interest rates can do.
What this market really needs is Bono."
President Bush, while attempting today to sound upbeat about the state of the economy, made no secret
of his wish that the Irish rocker would roll up his sleeves and calm the roiling markets.
"I think there's nothing wrong with the global economy that Mr. Bono couldn't fix," the President said,
apparently unaware that Bono is not Bono's last name.
But a spokesman for the International Monetary Fund was less charitable, ripping the Grammy-winning
Bono for his hands-off approach to the stunning crash in share prices.
"Bono may like to sing 'It's a Beautiful Day,' but for those who depend upon equities to finance their
retirement, it is most decidedly anything but," the IMF spokesman said.
Bono, who is currently sailing the world on a 4-month Princess cruise with Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill,
struck back at his critics late this afternoon.
"I'm sick and tired of fixing the world's problems," Bono said. "Let Britney Spears solve the global crisis in
equities. I don't give a rat's ass."
Observers say that the Irish rocker's alarming indifference to the current economic catastrophe may be the
direct result of spending so much time with Mr. O'Neill.
"Let Britney Spears solve the global crisis in
equities. I don't give a rat's ass."
classic
lol
