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Old 08-07-2003, 02:48 PM   #1
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Your Best Joke

Let's go, make us laugh


I got this in an email:

"A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, 'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'

Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed. 'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'

'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'0H!, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said.

'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'

The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'We're 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No shit! Thirty-five years old and you guys still believe in genies?'"


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Old 08-07-2003, 02:55 PM   #2
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I've gotta go w/ my beer hall standard:

Q-How do you make a woman come?

A-Who cares.
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Old 08-07-2003, 03:16 PM   #3
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i have no sense of humour.
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Old 08-07-2003, 03:29 PM   #4
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I don't have a joke, but my coworker forwarded this to me a while back and it make me chuckle.

NEW WORDS FOR 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks
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Old 08-07-2003, 03:37 PM   #5
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so very, very true



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Old 08-07-2003, 05:23 PM   #6
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sorry - I cannot tell my favorite joke without props.

The necessary props are a huge purple sex toy, a jar of apple sauce, three candles, and a live lizard.


so sorry.
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Old 08-07-2003, 06:41 PM   #7
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**cass hands ouizy a huge purple...thingie,a jar of apple sauce, three candles and a live lizard...**

da da!!


















**cass secretly calls the RSPCA**


I just heard a good one about "Larry's IMPOSSIBLY small clothing"

that one will keep me warm and laughing..................forever.
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Old 08-07-2003, 10:08 PM   #8
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ok, this is not MY joke, but i saw it on tv!

The other day i brought a packed of snakes alive, opened them all up and they were dead!!
if someone had poked some holes in, the could have grown to be killer pythons
(there lollies for people that dont know)
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Old 08-07-2003, 10:19 PM   #9
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down.


Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Old 08-07-2003, 10:49 PM   #10
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ouch! poor guy.
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Old 08-07-2003, 11:23 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by cass
I just heard a good one about "Larry's IMPOSSIBLY small clothing"

that one will keep me warm and laughing..................forever.
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Old 08-08-2003, 07:53 AM   #12
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A doctor, lawyer and priest are on the deck of the Titanic after it hits the iceberg. The laywer spots a lifeboat and says "lets get in that lifeboat".
The doctors says, "We've got to save the women and children first".
The lawyer repiles, "F*ck the woman and children".
The priest says, "Do you think we have time?"
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Old 08-08-2003, 12:58 PM   #13
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Another email

True story from Sweden some might enjoy.......
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in
the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle
of chardonay. When she had finished, she went into each room
and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried
everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,carpets were steam cleaned, Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their home.

Including the (curtain rods).
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Old 08-08-2003, 05:49 PM   #14
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Olive, your timing is perfect.......

I watched half an episode of Seinfeld last night and learned the word
"desmellify"
Jerry's car was "stunk up" after visiting a restaurant. They realised it was the parking valet's BO. "How can it be? you can't have the "O" without the "B"...if the "B" leaves" then the "O" follows it"

apparently not
anyway DESMELLIFY is my new word of the week.
and that story also reminds me of another real life story.My dad and his little brother are both fishermen. They seem to find it funny to hide old bait in one another's fishing bags...just hilarious eh? There is an old Aussie saying describing departure,"Im off..........like a *prawn in the sun".

*prawn =shrimp = scampi
I'm going to visit my mother at the end of the month...she'll have a new batch of jokes , for sure. I'll get back to you shortly

don't call me shortly
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