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Old 11-06-2002, 08:37 PM   #1
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Why we love kids..

I got this in the mail today..

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked
him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
________________________________________________
It was that time,
during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very
pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in
her tummy"
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Old 11-06-2002, 08:44 PM   #2
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it frightens me...when children swear...but it also cracketh me up...
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Old 11-06-2002, 08:45 PM   #3
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Oh wow, those are too funny!!!

Out of the mouths of babes.....
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Old 11-06-2002, 08:56 PM   #4
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Re: Why we love kids..

Quote:
Originally posted by u2er

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


That's what I say when I do math!!!!!!
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Old 11-06-2002, 10:02 PM   #5
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i love this thanks for posting this!
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Old 11-07-2002, 12:31 AM   #6
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Thanks for posting those! They really gave me a laugh!

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Old 11-07-2002, 02:21 PM   #7
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Old 11-15-2002, 09:45 AM   #8
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More funnies

This was passed on to me:


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The following were answers provided by sixth graders during a history test.
Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.


1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah".

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walther Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln was the greatest president. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving pictue show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insance actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The eighteenth century produced many inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.


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Old 11-15-2002, 11:59 AM   #9
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Hysterical
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Old 11-15-2002, 01:08 PM   #10
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I am dying...cant breathe.........

oh my God
those are so cute, oh thats another thing i miss in college, theres no little kids anywhere!

whew! thanks guys, that was great!!!

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