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Old 07-17-2002, 10:48 AM   #16
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MWAHAHAHAAH! I knew you guys would want an explaination sometime.... this may be a little lengthy, but:

I AM the Ass Demon Exorcist

After years of starvation dieting, dragging my ass to the gym, etc. I have developed a theory on the extra weight that plagues me and every other non-stick-insect. This may have nothing to do with the movies, but itís an important discovery nonetheless. People, it not fat. Itís little Demons who live in your Ass.

The common Ass Demon (nastyus bottomus) preys on a host with low willpower, burrows in and starts to breed. If you happen to obtain one during the holidays or just as you move to college, thereís not a lot of hope- itís breeding season. The demons are that little voice deep down in your tummy that makes you binge on Mexican Food and Ben Ďní Jerryís. They are impossible to tame, but it is possible to war with themÖ They are allergic to leafy greens, diet coke, frozen yogurt, physical activity and Richard Simmons. Theyíre been stubborn little bastards. It takes time and commitment to convince them to pack up and leave, but I believe it can happen.

Do not be fooled by the bodies you see in the movies. They are not real, and if they are, be assured that those actors/actresses have sold their souls to some dark power to look that way. No real human is immune to Ass Demons.

I admit. A colony of Ass Demons has taken up residence in my deriere. I have been possessed, but Iím on an exorcism program. I am taking a stand. I will not eat IníníOut Burger. Eating In Ďní Out is like inviting them to build a recreation center. There will be no more building permits for my ass. With the help of the trainers at my gym, Iím tearing down all existing structures and returning the space to the Skinny Girl Conservancy.

In the last two months, I have lost 10 lbs., 11 inches, and 3.2% body fat. I figure that I have therefore exorcised half of the colony. It's only the really old grumpy ones that still live there. I need support, but they will be gone!
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Old 07-17-2002, 11:01 AM   #17
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A figurative representation:

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Old 07-17-2002, 01:04 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by Peaseblossom
In the last two months, I have lost 10 lbs., 11 inches, and 3.2% body fat. I figure that I have therefore exorcised half of the colony. It's only the really old grumpy ones that still live there. I need support, but they will be gone!
Congrats! That's a hard thing to do!
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Old 07-17-2002, 02:38 PM   #19
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working on some exorcisim myself

Congrats!

Great theory, btw.
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Old 07-17-2002, 02:54 PM   #20
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Thanks! Hopefully it makes for a good read... tomorrow it'll be my newest online column.
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Old 07-17-2002, 04:19 PM   #21
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Not everybody's got 'em. My ass is good to go. You gotta show us yours so we can see if you've done the job right.
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