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Old 06-20-2002, 01:29 AM   #1
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Unmarried and living together?

Curious as to what your thoughts are... as I know that some of you are in this situation. See here's the thing. I've been been with my boyfriend for quite some time now, and he keeps bringing up the idea of moving in together at the end of the year when his lease is up - he doesnt want to move home or pay the rent by himself, and i've been looking for a roomate. Now I'm not opposed to us living together - I'd like to actually. One of us is usually at the other's apartment each night anyways. In other ways it would be great too, an example being is we could stop paying two rents and save for a house or something else down the line. The big issue is, my parents. I'm an independent adult and I know that, but my parents are very traditional and catholic, and I know that this would a huge issue for them. While many people are telling me not to let what they say affect my decision, I cant help but let it. They've never asked much from me and their opinion does matter. Now I also let my boyfriend know that it would make a difference if we were engaged beforehand, but I dont want him to feel pressured into doing something before he was ready/wanted to just so that we could move in together, because I'm in no rush here either. It's just something that I cant stop thinking about. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? Am I being a wimp? Any suggestions or experiences are much appreciated, thanks -
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Old 06-20-2002, 01:41 AM   #2
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move in together and start going to confession more

I'm a little confused when people start talking about these things, they say they don't want people to think badly of them or lose respect or whatever, but then they practically live together anyway, going to each other's place after work/school whatever, and then leave for school/work whatever in the morning, then return in the evening... and oh look, I see a pattern forming here!!!

ask yourself this, would your parents be happier if you rushed into engagement/marriage and then it ended in disaster (I don't think divorce rates very high with practicing Catholics), or would they rather get over the initial shock, possibly even accept it, then if it works out it works out, no pressure or rush to get married, no quick anullment, no paying for two apartments when you basically already share the same one

but of course parents are parents, easier said then done...
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Old 06-20-2002, 02:01 AM   #3
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My boyfriend and I moved in with each other when we were 21, which was nearly 4 years ago.

I come from a conservative family, he comes from a Catholic family. Neither of us are conservative.

It was the best decision we could have made to live together because we KNEW we had a future together (we also have a business together) and we were 21 and college graduates.

Bottom line - this is YOUR LIFE. If you are financially independent from your parents, do it. If morally you don't have an issue living together. DO IT.

Do your parents like your boyfriend? Do you feel that your boyfriend is someone you will only grow close to and exponentially more fond of?

No one can live your life for you - and there is no use pleasing anyone else other than yourself. Do what you want to do. The religious beliefs of your parents should be NO factor on YOUR life with YOUR boyfriend.

Just my .02
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Old 06-20-2002, 03:06 AM   #4
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OK--Personal experience advice.

I moved out with my Boyfriend at age 19 simply because he kept bringing it up. I really had no need or desire to move out yet, in fact I wasn't even done with school yet. In some ways I'm glad I did, because we realized we werent right for each other and broke up a year later. On the other hand, lets look at statistics. 90% of all couples who live together before marriage end up in divorce. (from what i've heard)

The question is, do you picture yourself marrying him?? If not DON"T DO IT. Even when we were together, the thought of marrying the ol ex made me want to run down the street screaming. <---Me running down street.
So that should have been a red flag.

Another question to consider--do you guys see eye to eye on faith/religion? If not, you have a whole other can of worms to deal with. You mentioned your folks are Catholic-how devoted are you? And then him? Because more than likely by living together/marrying, one or the other WILL almost indefinitely be pulled away from your faith(if any) and that was a BIG issue with me.

How old are you guys and how long have you been together? Why not get engaged first if you guys are so serious? More stuff to consider...

I don't know maybe I lean more toward the "no" side just because I had the crappiest relationship/experience....But i thought the same way as you (& the others who actually had GOOD experiences) before I did it. Now I think differently. And I feel as though I've learned SOOO much and gotten to know my self so much better in this year since I've been on my own. But you need to know how happy you are!!!

Hope I've been of some service--Good Luck in whatever you do!! Keep us posted!
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Old 06-20-2002, 03:14 AM   #5
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Wow. If I had moved in with any boyfriend at 19 I would have broken up with them too.

I dunno.. it really depends on how mature you are and how you feel about the relationship. I come from the best experience of moving in with my bf.


Remember, it's your life.
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Old 06-20-2002, 03:31 AM   #6
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Thanks for the suggestions/ideas so far!

Well as for maturity... I'm pushing 26 and he's 27. We've been together a few months shy of a year. Both of us have had our share of crappy relationships and what not, and agree that this relationship has something that the rest of the ones were missing. I definetly can see myself married to this man, and it's something that we have talked about several times. The idea doesnt scare me. If he asked me tomorrow I'd say yes - but like I was saying before - no means whatsoever do I want him to feel like he has to, or that I'm pushing him to because that's not the case. One of my big fears is that is what he will think if I dont agree to move in beforehand.

Helloangel... I can totally see what you are saying, and that's how I feel to a point as well. I know that at my age etc... I really shouldnt be letting my parents dictate in a sense what I do with my life, but we have a good relationship and I would really hate to " disappoint them" or let them down in any kind of sense. They both really like my boyfriend too, so that's not an issue either. They're old fashioned in a sense... and I'm just hoping that they'll realize that times have changed since they got married. People are getting married later and later in life and not everyone chooses (or can) live at home until this happens. I'm just making myself crazy thinking about all this!! in ways it all seems so easy, but in other ways it seems so complicated. At least I still have a few months to think/ talk things through before any decisions have to be made!
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Old 06-20-2002, 03:36 AM   #7
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Its an important decision you dont want to rush into. I'm like HelloAngel and had a great 1st experience that has lasted 5 years (but we are married now).
When we were just 'together' he pretty much spent all his time at my place until one day we realised he hadnt gone home in months. I was living at home so the situation was a little different. My parents adore my husband and never had any problems. I do have a very catholic grandma though and even though i knew we were responsible and doing the right thing and still had the support of my parents and his, I worried about how it looked to my nan. She never once said a word of criticism. She wasn't the type. We moved into our own place when we were 21, and I already had a ring on my finger. I think with the religion aspect in the background, it an make a bit of a difference. Its no criticism either, without my nan being how she is, I would never have given it a 2nd thought. And yeah it does also depend on your specific circumstances. As soon as I met hy other half everyone was saying when are you 2 getting hitched. Sometimes couples are so right together, all the outside factors can be less of an issue.
There's no easy solution, all the worries you have come from the respect of your parents and that is a good thing. I'd bet though that they return that respect and have faith in you doing the right thing. The only thing I can suggest is have a good proper talk with your family about it. Explain that you are sure about him, you have concerns about their views and you want to make sure its not going to cause any trouble. Let them know if he is 'the one' and this is simply a step in your relationship and it suits you both as far as practicality goes. It doesnt sound like you plan on living defacto for years and years but until you are ready for marriage you see it as a natural progression.
It is also a great way to find out once and for all if you are right for each other.
Sorry i cant be of much help but Good Luck!
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Old 06-20-2002, 08:18 AM   #8
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Hey girl! Whats up! I'm glad to see things are going so well for you!

You know my deal and I'm gonna offer you my advice (I think our parents would react similiarly in this situation)

I know it will save money. I know it's like you're already moved in now. But I'm gonna take the other vote from everyone here and say wait. I have a few friends who were in your situation and now they are still waiting for a ring one, two years later (not that you're waiting for a ring, but really what's the whole point in this then?) But I guess i just don't believe in this 'playing house' thing without an ultimate committment, especially because your whole life becomes that other person- but it is missing that one piece: Marriage. Spending a lot of time with a person and then moving in and being extremely exclusive are very different, I think. I have another friend who is getting married in October and she hasn't moved in with her 6 year boyfriend (now fiance) despite many opportunities to throughout college and afterward- and she is positively glowing and thrilled with excitement about marrying and living with him and Really and truly starting a life together.

This made me a little worried:

Quote:
Originally posted by She ls Raging
Thanks for the suggestions/ideas so far!
One of my big fears is that is what he will think if I dont agree to move in beforehand.
You have to make up your own mind, no matter who says anything, including him. There are ways you can explain to him you love him very much and would want to but want to save that very special occassion for a time when it will be forever. And if he feels the same way then he will understand and respect that.

Anyway Kathleen, I know this is totally your decision. But I also know what it's like to have parents disappointed in you or wanting to live up to their expectations. And you do not want to cause sour relationship between him and your parents, or your brothers. I know my parents would think less of a guy if I lived with him beforehand. If you are having even the littlest hesitation I think you should honor that - it is apparant you are thinking a lot about it, which is good because it deserves a lot of thought. It seems like you and him are both on the same track and looking towards a future- together. So to thine own self be true, above all others. And everything will work out wonderfully in the end.

Good luck, you know I'm here if you need anything!
xo Olive
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Old 06-20-2002, 08:48 AM   #9
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I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with what Olive is saying. I noticed quite a bit hesitation in each of your posts, Raging. You can line up all kinds of great reasons not to move in with the guy, but about the only decent reason to DO it is to save rent. You are MORE than a reason to save rent.

It sounds as if you're ready to take this relationship a few steps closer to marriage, but the bf isn't. I'd take a long look at this before making the emotional commitment you're about to make. You want to live together because you love him that much; he wants to live together for his convienence. That doesn't add up.
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Old 06-20-2002, 09:45 AM   #10
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wink

About 2 and a half months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been together for over 5 years, and we were a month away from moving in together. Breaking up with him was the hardest decision that I have ever made, and the bravest thing that I have ever done. The reason that I decided to end it was because although I was remotely happy, I didn't think that was happy enough for the rest of my life. Look at your feelings... are you excited about the prospect of waking up next to him every morning? Are you excited at the prospect of knowing that he will be there when you come home from a bad day at work? Are you still excited about the relationship?...... I know that in my situation I was actually getting more excited about the aspect of what color we would paint our bedroom wall, and what groceries we would buy then I was at the idea of us brushing our teeth together before we go to bed....

If you are still excited about 'him' and the idea of starting a life with him sounds wonderful to you then go for it..... !!

Feel free to email me, or to PM me. I actually have lots more to say on the issue..... but some of it is too personal for a message board!!

Good luck!
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Old 06-20-2002, 11:05 AM   #11
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I lived with someone for a couple years. It's not the easiest thing to do and it takes work but it does save rent and helps you get an idea if you are able to get along with that person on a daily basis. I dont see anything wrong with it. If you plan on getting married I think its a good idea to live together first to make sure you can stand each other 24 -7 ! Hmmm but we're not together now so what does that say.....
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Old 06-20-2002, 01:46 PM   #12
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Re: Unmarried and living together?

Quote:
Originally posted by She ls Raging
One of us is usually at the other's apartment each night anyways.
I'm sorry, but I think this statement nullifies any moral arguments against the two of you living together, whether your parents or someone else is making that argument.

As for living together, I've done it twice. Once as a temporary situation over a summer and once when my fiance and I moved to another state. My family is Catholic, too, but we're also real people who realize how valuable an experience it can be to live with a partner before making any bigger decisions. I know that there are people who waited until they got married to live together and then experienced shock at how their spouses really were.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it's great for people to live together if they are committed to the relationship and intend for the relationship to continue growing. Yes, there are times when it doesn't work out, but the intentions were there previously. However, if you're having this many doubts about it, I wouldn't until you and your boyfriend (and parents if you're concerned about them) sit down and have a frank discussion that puts everyone on the same page.
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Old 06-20-2002, 03:43 PM   #13
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Hey girl!

I know I've already emailed about this, but I think whatever you decide you have to make sure it's what you want. He sounds like the best guy, but if you have any doubts at all, don't do it just to save rent. You know I'm always here to talk, so feel free and good luck!!!

*hugs*
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Old 06-20-2002, 04:01 PM   #14
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Normal Re: Re: Unmarried and living together?

Quote:
Originally posted by HeartlandGirl


I'm sorry, but I think this statement nullifies any moral arguments against the two of you living together, whether your parents or someone else is making that argument.
Living together and spending nights are completely different. You always have the knowledge in the back of your head that you have your own place to go to - to get away from each other from if the need be. You do not have the emotional addition to a relationship if you can just go home to a place that is all your own.


Quote:
Originally posted by HeartlandGirl

I know that there are people who waited until they got married to live together and then experienced shock at how their spouses really were.
I think this is also not the fault of "not living together" but more along the lines of not knowing the person you are marrying,not discussing thigns that should have been discussed. I do not think living with someone exposes who they "really are" becuase if you do not know who they really are you shouldn't be moving in with them in the first place. And if you marry someone without knowing these serious things about them that causes such conflict then..
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Old 06-20-2002, 04:42 PM   #15
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I think wanderer was referring to how other people react, for some reason it's Ok to stay the night, regularly, but if you move the furniture in "it's Official" and the relationship is viewed differently.
I think it is lovely you are so thoughtful towards your parents, but you really should follow your heart and don't feel guilty about what you decide to do. Your parents have set you on the path, and I'm sure they are there for you if it gets a bit wayward, but it's your journey. They will apprecaite that. You're their girl

I "ran-off" with a guy in a band when I was 19. (not really, but it was sudden, I just told Dad how much I loved and trusted this man and he accepted my judgement. And my goodness, it didn't take long, my parents think the sun shines out of him) We lived together for not quite a year, got married and lo and behold it is our 21st wedding anniversary soon.Just telling you this to illustrate that some times it works. It requires work,.....but it can work)

I wish you all the best she is raging.
Your parents will be OK. Take good care of yourself.
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