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Old 06-20-2002, 04:55 PM   #16
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Old 06-20-2002, 06:27 PM   #17
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Re: Re: Re: Unmarried and living together?

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Originally posted by oliveu2cm


Living together and spending nights are completely different. You always have the knowledge in the back of your head that you have your own place to go to - to get away from each other from if the need be. You do not have the emotional addition to a relationship if you can just go home to a place that is all your own.


I think this is also not the fault of "not living together" but more along the lines of not knowing the person you are marrying,not discussing thigns that should have been discussed. I do not think living with someone exposes who they "really are" becuase if you do not know who they really are you shouldn't be moving in with them in the first place. And if you marry someone without knowing these serious things about them that causes such conflict then..
I'm well aware that living together and spending nights are completely different. My point is that if her parents would object on moral grounds, they'd probably not be too pleased with the spending every night thing either.

As for whether or not living together allows you to "get to know" the other person, to each their own. By living with my husband before we were married, I was able to see first hand how he deals with important things, such as finances and big responsibilities, and then judge whether or not we were compatibile in those areas. It may not be your experience, but I can honestly say I have known people who wished they'd lived together before they got married. Not everyone is up front and honest, especially when it comes to money and credit history, alcohol or drug abuse, or other issues from the past. I'm not saying that living together first is for everyone, but I have experienced some of its advantages.

*whoops! typo.
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Old 06-20-2002, 07:23 PM   #18
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Unmarried and living together?

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Originally posted by HeartlandGirl


I'm well aware that living together and spending nights are completely different. My point is that if her parents would object on moral grounds, they'd probably not be too pleased with the spending every night thing either.
heh, sorry- wasn't implying that you didn't know the difference. Just many people say (not you or just you) "hey well if you do this already might as well go for the big leap" when really they are two drastically different things. And also on a moral level, too it is different.... because living together allows for more "alone time" or whatever -if the "moral" issue is to be delved into which I don't think it needs to be. And parents see the moving in as something quite serious, more than sleeping over (which they may not even know about, yknow?) I know my parents are like Kathleens and would be upset about it.

Quote:
Originally posted by HeartlandGirl

As for whether or not living together allows you to "get to know" the other person, to each their own. By living with my husband before we were married, I was able to see first hand how he deals with important things, such as finances and big responsibilities, and then judge whether or not we were compatibile in those areas. It may not be your experience, but I can honestly say I have known people who wished they'd lived together before they got married. Not everyone is up front and honest, especially when it comes to money and credit history, alcohol or drug abuse, or other issues from the past. I'm not saying that living together first is for everyone, but I have experienced some of its advantages.

*whoops! typo.
I just personally think you should know someone before moving in with them, about money, history, drug abuses, etc..and if they are not upfront I dont think it takes living together with someone to discover this about your boy/girl friend. Sure a person can and most likely will discover things sooner about another person when you live with them- but that is not the only way. I want to emphasis I'm not attacking you or your situation, because it worked for you and for others I know- I'm hoping it works for my friends who moved in before marriage. It is just something that bothers me when people go off "you must live with him so you know what he is like!" I just think that's bs. It may be EASIER but it is NOT a must.


Overall, it is to each his own. Which is why it's hard for Kathleen to make a real decision from reading people's testimonies. So I hope she's true to herself like I said earlier.

Olive
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Old 06-20-2002, 07:28 PM   #19
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Wow.... kind of speechless and a little wowed at a few of the responses here... Thank you to all though that offered the kind advice.


I need to make completely and totally clear that saving rent is NOT the only reason why my boyfriend wants to move in!!! I would never do it just for that reason, I wouldnt even consider it unless I knew the relationship was leading to something more. There have been opportunities before, and it wasnt even a consideration. What I meant by that statement was that it would be one of the upsides of doing it together. We both want to by a house, and by living together we'd be paying one rent rather than two!! I know that at some point we'll end up living together, I'm just debating on wether or not I should do it before marriage. I cant believe how easily some people have twisted what I've said into making him look like an ass and myself like some sort of pushover. I'm kind of sorry I posted this now.

Carrie !


Thanks so much for all your advice. That comment I made about being worried if I didnt move in... I just mean that I wouldnt want him to go doing anything in regards to buying a ring etc before he was ready (romantically AND financially - those things arent cheap!) because I wasnt agreeing to moving in beforehand if that ends up being the case. Like I was saying, there's no rush - I have no questions about the relationship etc.... just wether or not moving in yet is the right step. In ways I want to jump at the chance, but at the same time I cant help but let my parents and MY own catholic morals interfere for many of the same reasons you said. If we were too do it - I would hate for us/him to get comfortable and never progress past that. I've got time to think about things, and in no way has my decision been made yet!
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Old 06-20-2002, 08:38 PM   #20
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Ack! I guess I'll put my 2 cents in....
My parents dated for 5 years before they got engaged and then married. They never lived together and are still married today, 27 years later. My mother practicing Catholic and thinks the rest of us are "heathens" but she still encourages me to live with my boyfriend before we get married. I don't think you can truly know me until you have lived with me. That's not to say that I am a decieving, manipulating or untruthful person. I am private even with the people I feel closest to. I don't understand myself fully at times, how am I to expect someone else to!

Anyway, morals aside, deciding to live together is a personal matter and one way or the other the situation is not generic. Every couple has a unique set of issues that needs to be dealt with. No matter how much you think you "know" one another something new/challenging/exciting/difficult is bound to come up when you live together.
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Old 06-20-2002, 10:04 PM   #21
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*is jealous of everyones GOOD relationships*

After hearing more of your situation and self, I think It may not be a bad idea after all. 27 IS alot older than 19 after all........*slaps forehead AGAIN* Ahh, to be young and stupid......STILL.

And Spinny, I feel ya. I felt the same way--sort of happy but not wanting to spend the rest of my life there...I think thats what we [former] weaklings call "settling". I never even realized how bad things were until I actually parted ways with him...WOW.

Good Luck and God Bless ya!!!
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Old 06-20-2002, 11:46 PM   #22
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(((Kathleen)))

I know you'll make the right choice girl. I never thought that he only wanted you to save money (LOL he MUST know what an expense U2 and trips to Montreal shows are ) and yes- no rush for the ring.. we want it as big as possible

love ya!!

oh.. look up in the sky.. it's a hawk....

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Old 06-21-2002, 04:23 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally posted by oliveu2cm
(((Kathleen)))


oh.. look up in the sky.. it's a hawk....



I'd forgotten that... look at those birds - how they fly like that, they look like planes....


Because they are!

That ride up was too funny!
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