To the women of interference - who got flowers today

[Angela Harlem]

I Got Flowers Today
(Dedicated to Battered Women)

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.


----------------------------------------------

There are a large number of you out there. Speak up. Don't suffer in silence.

 

[Bonogirl777]

Wow, that made me want to cry.

Women who are going through that, don't let it affect you. Get the help no matter what.

 

[redhotswami]

i have a question...is it none of my business? this summer i saw a young family: father, son, and mother. the mother was wearing HUGE sunglasses but every now and then when she turned her head i could see the black eyes. she also had cuts on her face and arms.

i wanted to say something. but i didn't. i didn't want to seem nosey, or to offend. but with the way they were acting, i could tell tensions were high (we were at a restaurant, they hardly spoke.) i still reflect back on that time. should i speak up next time? or should i hope she does eventually? i just don't know what to do!

 

[fly so high!]

i have a question...is it none of my business? this summer i saw a young family: father, son, and mother. the mother was wearing HUGE sunglasses but every now and then when she turned her head i could see the black eyes. she also had cuts on her face and arms.

i wanted to say something. but i didn't. i didn't want to seem nosey, or to offend. but with the way they were acting, i could tell tensions were high (we were at a restaurant, they hardly spoke.) i still reflect back on that time. should i speak up next time? or should i hope she does eventually? i just don't know what to do!

I know what you mean......i have had a couple of situations like that, when you want to say something but you don't know if it would make it worse or if they turn around and tell you to mind your business or (something i am afraid of, that they are likely to give you a belting). But i don't think anyone can be silent and ignore it......how to report it is the thing, and when they are a stranger it's nearlly impossible to do that.

In Australia we have DoCS (Department of Community Services) it's a service that people can access and report on this sort of stuff. I'm sure there is a similar organisation elsewhere. I had to use it myself just recently on my neighbour......as well as contacting the police and notifying them of alleged Domestic Violence.....i have approached the wife and she has come in for a coffee and i have even asked her outright "Does he hit you?" She denies it, says he only yells....but the noises coming from their house tells me different (smashing glass, thudding sounds, crying and yelling), I (as well as other neighbours that would happen to hear them) still call the cops & DoCS everytime i hear them fight, which is roughly once a month, because maybe , just maybe she might just get the courage to get away from him. She never charges him with assault and unless the cops actually catch him doing it in the act, there is nothing they can do. She is such a lovely person and our kids get on really well. I'm so worried for her.

 

[hiphop]

I have a different experience... a girl asked me to beat her because it turned her on, she really is into SM. And she didn´t ask for a nice little slap on her ass for fun, but for real slaps in her face. Turns her on to be humiliated. I really couldn´t relate to that so we separated.

 

[Angela Harlem]

i have a question...is it none of my business? this summer i saw a young family: father, son, and mother. the mother was wearing HUGE sunglasses but every now and then when she turned her head i could see the black eyes. she also had cuts on her face and arms.

i wanted to say something. but i didn't. i didn't want to seem nosey, or to offend. but with the way they were acting, i could tell tensions were high (we were at a restaurant, they hardly spoke.) i still reflect back on that time. should i speak up next time? or should i hope she does eventually? i just don't know what to do!

I think it's changing, very slowly, but it is changing. Prior generations viewed it as a personal issue; a marriage issue. It's really only recently that even the courts are beginning to acknowledge it as a crime and treating it as such. When assault occurs in the home we suddenly go quiet and awkwardly change the subject while silently wondering. If it were a child or a stranger being assaulted, we're suddenly much more sure of what to do. We get righteously huffy and angry and don't hesitate to jump in. We've just got to stop thinking of it as a domestic and private issue. No more excuses.

 

[redhotswami]

I think it's changing, very slowly, but it is changing. Prior generations viewed it as a personal issue; a marriage issue. It's really only recently that even the courts are beginning to acknowledge it as a crime and treating it as such. When assault occurs in the home we suddenly go quiet and awkwardly change the subject while silently wondering. If it were a child or a stranger being assaulted, we're suddenly much more sure of what to do. We get righteously huffy and angry and don't hesitate to jump in. We've just got to stop thinking of it as a domestic and private issue. No more excuses.

but seeing the aftermath of a stranger is different from seeing it in person. that's what makes it iffy, you know?

 

[Angela Harlem]

I do, definitely. I know a woman, actually the mother of a preschool mate of my daughter, who I suspect is a victim of such. The 'boyfriend' is your typical jittery loser who I suspected was a heavy pot smoker, and now know he is. I saw her once with a black eye with the sunglasses. I got suspicious, but it wasn't until I saw marks on the daughter's back at another girl's birthday party that I really began to worry that he is an abusive man for all of them. Maybe she really did walk into a door. I sincerely doubt it though. Common sense dictates she is just another victim. I saw one incident which really pissed me off for weeks, and still does, when the father was trying to play with one of their 3 daughters in the backyard of the preschool and one of the little ones was utterly terrified when he stood over her to throw a ball. She ran screaming hysterically from him. It broke my heart to see her little face as she was clawing at the school's door to get away from him. Children are not naturally petrified of their own parents.

It always ends up back at your point, doesn't it. Reporting this will cause an invstigation. An investigation will be unlikely to lead anywhere unless she is willing to involve the police and press charges - which won't happen because I am sure she is well versed as all are in excuses. She wont leave him, and her girls will grow up with their major influence being a pot smoking abuser.

 

[yolland]

I had an employee back when I managed a store who I was pretty much certain was being abused by her live-in boyfriend. The company's HR manager for the region told me there was really nothing I could do other than make vague offers of 'help,' so that's what I did...she had ongoing punctuality issues anyway, so every time I had her into my office to speak with her about that, I made sure to give her a 'meaningful look' and say "If there's anything I can do to help you, please let me know" but nothing ever came of it. The two of them both looked to be pretty messed-up people...she also showed signs of a drug problem, they belonged to some kind of neo-Nazi group and, not that this amounts to anything 'meaningful,' but I'm blessed/cursed with an unfailing knack for recognizing an Obsessive Creep when I meet one, and her boyfriend just made my skin crawl. As it turned out I wound up having to fire her, so I have no idea what became of them.

 

[fly so high!]

I do, definitely. I know a woman, actually the mother of a preschool mate of my daughter, who I suspect is a victim of such. The 'boyfriend' is your typical jittery loser who I suspected was a heavy pot smoker, and now know he is. I saw her once with a black eye with the sunglasses. I got suspicious, but it wasn't until I saw marks on the daughter's back at another girl's birthday party that I really began to worry that he is an abusive man for all of them. Maybe she really did walk into a door. I sincerely doubt it though. Common sense dictates she is just another victim. I saw one incident which really pissed me off for weeks, and still does, when the father was trying to play with one of their 3 daughters in the backyard of the preschool and one of the little ones was utterly terrified when he stood over her to throw a ball. She ran screaming hysterically from him. It broke my heart to see her little face as she was clawing at the school's door to get away from him. Children are not naturally petrified of their own parents.

It always ends up back at your point, doesn't it. Reporting this will cause an invstigation. An investigation will be unlikely to lead anywhere unless she is willing to involve the police and press charges - which won't happen because I am sure she is well versed as all are in excuses. She wont leave him, and her girls will grow up with their major influence being a pot smoking abuser.

But this is where DoCS can come involved........police are mandated to report Domestic Violence to DoCS, and the whole process is sped along especially when kids are concerned (well, they assure this anyway, I know in obvious cases, things can go horribly wrong, but it just goes to show how unpredictable these sorts of situations are)......even with my neighbour, there is no doubt abuse is going on in that house next to me, the police have even said this to me, they said keep ringing us everytime you think it's happening. DoCS know about them but still the children are in the house, apparently they have been assessed, and I don't know what exactly goes on, but other neighbours have seen cars come to the house, I assume it's DoCS and having said that, since we have been reporting, the grandmother is on the scene alot and helping out.

But definately ignoring it won't help.

 

[hiphop]

We've just got to stop thinking of it as a domestic and private issue. No more excuses.

Agreed. Same goes for violence towards children. Some people still feel awkward to step in when a father or mother beats his/her kid.

 

[indra]

I'm a bit surprised at this line "If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him" because according to almost everything I've heard/read about domestic violence, the chances are good that is exactly what she was attempting to do (or had just done). Leaving an abusive partner is the single most dangerous time for a battered woman. I've read that women who are in the process of leaving or have recently left abusive male partners are up to 75% more likely to be killed by the batterer than those who stay.

Of course in no way do I advocate woman (or anyone) remaining in abusive relationships, but the above info points out that sometimes well meaning action can lead to an even more dangerous -- even deadly -- situation for the person you want to help. Doing nothing clearly won't solve the problem, but sometimes doing the wrong thing, even if it should be the right thing, can be deadly.

I have heard of domestic abuse organisations putting info -- hotline numbers, escape plan checklists, shelter info, etc. -- in places woman go but abusers aren't apt to find it such as women's public restrooms. The idea is to let the woman make plans without the batterer having a clue. You also have to remember that often an abuser doesn't only threaten the women herself with more harm and even death, but also pets, friends, other family members, and of course, the children (if there are any).

So I don't think it's any wonder that people don't know what to do even when they see obvious abuse. It's very much a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

 

[Cin]

That poem gave me chills all over

My sister was thrown against a wall and choked by her husband several times.

Our family are very tight and she kept it to herself for a long time.

We finally found out when she had to call the police.

Her husband moved out for a few months and both have had a lot of therapy. . . . . they are still together.

"He wasn't himself at the time," and mental issues were blamed. My Dad was quite prepared to become "someone else" if given half a chance.

I was absolutely terrified for the first few weeks after we found out. Every time the phone rang I thought the worst.

When we asked where her 2 year old was when this was happening she replied, "watching from his high chair."


I never thought it would happen in my family

 

[fly so high!]

^ I hope your sister is doing OK, I can only imagine the difficulty picking up the pieces. I am helping my neighbour right now trying to do just that.

The situation has excalated with my neighbours, it's really frightning now.......thankfully the adult male occupant is now in custody. It has the whole street and my family involved.

The first incident happened on Friday night, where one of the other neighbours was threatened with rape and be-heading while holding a machete, she called the police but they could not do anything except take her statement and give him a warning, as he was back in his home playing dumb,....this happened in front of her husband.

Next morning, my brother arrived, i was un-aware (i could not hear a thing from my house) that he had been approached by the crazy neighbour also wielding a machete. My brother remained calmed and tried to talk to him, but the man was talking nonsence, he told my brother that he is not afraid of him and his "gangsters", my mum lives across the road and she noticed there was yelling as the neigbours children (from the woman he earlier threatened) came out, when they saw that he had a machete, they approached him but then he started to call them "poofters" and "the devil" all the while swinging this knife around, while his 3yr old son was walking around with a packet of chips. My mum came out and he started to walk over to her , he started to bellow that he would "cut off her fucking head too!" He said he was king of Australia and chief of this village and he could have what ever woman he wanted in this street, our homes are his homes. My mother managed to call the police secretly on her mobile.

He started to lunge at the men trying to calm him down with the machete. He was not caught red-handed, by the time the police arrived he had demoted his weapon to a piece of wood, but he started to swear at the police saying he was not afraid of our gangster friends and that he would chop all our heads off from the shoulders. He started to then threaten police with the piece of wood, they got him in the paddy wagon.

This is where i came out of the house, as i could hear a commotion and lots of yelling. The paddy wagon was rocking madly and then it drove off.

I was left in the middle of the street with my mum, and our neigbour that was threatened, and the mans wife and children crying (mine were thankfully inside watching a movie), along with a scared but "controlled anger" group of young males, including my dear brother.

The police say he won't be out for a while, there is definately some mental issue going on, why he has not been assessed yet, i have no fucking idea!

My Mum, my neighbour (who was threatened personally) and myself have been trying to help "Betty" (not her real name) and the kids.

She is appreciative of the support but i'm not sure if she will act on it, between the 3 of us we have contacted DoCS 3 times, women's refuges and support groups but again she is not quite moving at a speed that we would like, it's almost like she is used to this. The children were back at riding the bikes after an 1hr of the ordeal taking place, which would also point that it's not unusual to them either.

I have never done this before and did not really think i would never have to, but can i ask for prayers, support, courage and strength for "Betty" please.

 

[Cin]

^thanks. they're both doing a lot better now. There's been a lot of counselling but I don't know if I'll ever really trust him again

 

[Angela Harlem]

He finally got taken away? God, cherin! I'm glad he didn't get violent. "Betty" needs to get out. Now, while he has gone. I hope the police got her in contact with a domestic violence worker.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, cinnaminson. I wont depress you with statistics. Needless to say, your only real option to end the cycle is to get the hell out. You perpetuate it by staying, and often breed into it, as an unsurprisingly high number of victims grew up in a violent household as children.

I'd love to keep having this topic bumped up because you ladies out there 'who got flowers today', I know are reading this. I know you that know this means you, and the excuses you are making to yourselves right now. Think about this, interference. We've got imprisoned women in our midst. Remember them for a minute. I'm not asking anyone to come forward and talk about themselves. This is not the intention. Just remember, everyone. Don't ignore it.

 

[Bonogirl777]

Aww cin!

 

[fly so high!]

He finally got taken away? God, cherin! I'm glad he didn't get violent. "Betty" needs to get out. Now, while he has gone. I hope the police got her in contact with a domestic violence worker.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, cinnaminson. I wont depress you with statistics. Needless to say, your only real option to end the cycle is to get the hell out. You perpetuate it by staying, and often breed into it, as an unsurprisingly high number of victims grew up in a violent household as children.

I'd love to keep having this topic bumped up because you ladies out there 'who got flowers today', I know are reading this. I know you that know this means you, and the excuses you are making to yourselves right now. Think about this, interference. We've got imprisoned women in our midst. Remember them for a minute. I'm not asking anyone to come forward and talk about themselves. This is not the intention. Just remember, everyone. Don't ignore it.

It's interesting how it has the same big pink elephant in the room that no one is willing to talk about attitude........ outside-cyber world too.

Everyone in our little street is going to take out an AVO. I know in reality an AVO does not stop a maniac, the police have already taken one out on behalf for "Betty" and her children for their safety also.

I have not seen her or the kids today, I/we will give her some space, I'll pop in on the w/end, I don't want it to be too much, too soon, the bastard is not coming home in a hurry, we still have time.

"Betty" is 10 weeks pregnant, she told us yesterday. Around 10 weeks ago was around one of many dates that i phoned in regards to allegations of Domestic Violence abuse.

 

[fly so high!]

^thanks. they're both doing a lot better now. There's been a lot of counselling but I don't know if I'll ever really trust him again

That's good.......you have every right to feel like you cannot trust this guy, he has broken that trust himself, it's his job to earn trust and also learn to accept he may never be able to be trusted again.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Is she a Maori, too? I'm asking because I'm wondering if she has her family near her. Keep us updated, if you can. I remember you told me about some fight of theirs, and the sarong business blow up, months and months ago. He's never come across as 'right', has he.

 

[dazzlingamy]

I think once someone has done something violent to you high on the scale (a slap or something is forgiveable in certain circumstances) it won't ever stop.

A friend of mine's boyfriend punched her repeatedly in the head one night after she got home later then she said. She left him, but he promised he wouldn't do it again they went to councelling, he got a new less stressful job etc

A few months later i got a tearful phonecall, he had just smashed a glass in her face and kicked her in the crotch and jumped into the car. MY boyfriend and i rushed around to get her, and as we were in the house he came back with a metal pole in his hand, he tried to hit my boyfriend who took a swing at him and managed to barell him into the bathroom and then held the door while we slid a bookcase in front of it then we ran out of there.
The police arrested him, he is in gaol now - the bathroom was smashed to pieces and he had also tried to set her car on fire

men who can't control their temper and lash out with violence, don't change. ITs really easy to say they won't do it again, or lie to a counsellor. And if they don't change, the violence is not going to stop.

ITs fucking scary to leave them, not just because of the emotional scars but also as indra said, high on the cars is the fact they could be killed or followed but its better then living in a hell hole and BRINGING up children in the facking mess!


Sorry, being a teacher i have had to call children's services twice and its been the worst most heartbreaking things.

 

[mysterious_jen]

That poem gave me chills all over

My sister was thrown against a wall and choked by her husband several times.

Our family are very tight and she kept it to herself for a long time.

We finally found out when she had to call the police.

Her husband moved out for a few months and both have had a lot of therapy. . . . . they are still together.

"He wasn't himself at the time," and mental issues were blamed. My Dad was quite prepared to become "someone else" if given half a chance.

I was absolutely terrified for the first few weeks after we found out. Every time the phone rang I thought the worst.

When we asked where her 2 year old was when this was happening she replied, "watching from his high chair."


I never thought it would happen in my family

babe no one imagines it will happen in their family but it does and it starts out so small, so many excuses are put up but eventually i hope your sis realises what is going on and she gets out . sending a big to you and her and your nephew.


its always been this hidden and excused culture in OZ , and it goes hand in hand with alcoholism and the time honored "it isnt out business" line.

 

[fly so high!]

Is she a Maori, too? I'm asking because I'm wondering if she has her family near her. Keep us updated, if you can. I remember you told me about some fight of theirs, and the sarong business blow up, months and months ago. He's never come across as 'right', has he.

He certainly is not "right" his latest antic before being arrested has been stealing bed-linen of my clothes line, then accusing my neighbours son that he stole it all the while its hanging over his verandah......oh and also walking through my front garden right near the windows to the house and throwing lemons and limes at Candy our lab! (BTW- I should post some piccies, she is sooooo pretty, massive now, weighs close to 35kg)

"Betty" is Tongan, her husband "Knuck Fuckle" is Samoan, they met and lived in Fiji for a while before moving to Oz. Her mum is still in Tonga, her dad is dead, no family out here except for an Uncle.

"Knuck Fuckle" (I assure you i don't refer to him as that in front of "Betty" or their children) has his entire family in Oz.

No body has seen her or the children all day, the car however has not moved, I don't even know if she is home.......I wanted to knock on her door, but like i said , i will give her some space, she may have found somewhere to stay for a while to sort some stuff out or she is just lying low for a while, she is having terrible morning-sickness too, I just hope she is not staying with his family, she needs to get out of the family, he can't know where she is. She has our contact numbers, so she can call us anytime, she has not called yet.

 

[iloveedge]

Wow

Cin, I hope everything goes well

It may sound weird but, how can someone do that?

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Fly so High, I am so sorry to hear that. Sounds like Knuck Fuckle may have paranoid schizophrenia or a similar psychotic illness, which is no excuse for the violent behaviour towards his family but may be some explanation for it. I used to work in the mental illness field and getting someone who doesn't believe they are ill to have treatment is unfortunately an uphill task. Good luck to you and your family and I'm sure Betty will be comforted to know that her neighbours care.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Samoan, that's right. I thought he was Maori when I saw him that day, and it's stuck.

I do suggest you ring her, Chez. Even knock on her door, or slide a note under it. Can you get in her backyard and knock on the back? I'm going to guess she won't call you, but would appreciate the offer. I'm also going to guess she is desperate for help but just cannot ask for it. Don't feel you are intruding on her pain, as afterall it's a crime and she's a victim. If you take the crime out of the home, suddenly your answer is right there. When it's behind doors, we get so unsure.

Ring Al, let him know you're going over there. Take her a casserole or something. Tell her you aren't leaving til you get a cup of tea and a chat. Be firm. She needs help. She has no one.


Can you get her some help from work?

 

[indra]

I agree with AH that you should approach Betty as I really doubt she will contact you or any other neighbours. She's most likely feeling humiliated and ashamed about the whole situation and is likely too embarrassed (as well as afraid) to approach anyone. If you make the first move that will show you care about her and understand what she is dealing with. If she knows people care about her she will be more apt to seek and accept help.

 

[Cin]

Wow

Cin, I hope everything goes well

It may sound weird but, how can someone do that?

I've thought the same thing.

 

[ShipOfFools]

I know of someone, too. One of my best friends survived an abusive marriage. She's doing a lot better now, but I was really worried about her for a while. The creep has been arrested several times since their divorce, including for battering his (current) girlfriend.

If I had the choice, I'd throw all of them in jail and lose the key.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Glad your friend is doing better now, Ship.