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Old 09-25-2007, 09:23 AM   #1
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To the women of interference - who got flowers today

I Got Flowers Today
(Dedicated to Battered Women)

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.



----------------------------------------------

There are a large number of you out there. Speak up. Don't suffer in silence.
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Old 09-25-2007, 09:27 AM   #2
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Wow, that made me want to cry.

Women who are going through that, don't let it affect you. Get the help no matter what.

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Old 09-25-2007, 09:32 AM   #3
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i have a question...is it none of my business? this summer i saw a young family: father, son, and mother. the mother was wearing HUGE sunglasses but every now and then when she turned her head i could see the black eyes. she also had cuts on her face and arms.

i wanted to say something. but i didn't. i didn't want to seem nosey, or to offend. but with the way they were acting, i could tell tensions were high (we were at a restaurant, they hardly spoke.) i still reflect back on that time. should i speak up next time? or should i hope she does eventually? i just don't know what to do!
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Old 09-25-2007, 10:08 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally posted by unico
i have a question...is it none of my business? this summer i saw a young family: father, son, and mother. the mother was wearing HUGE sunglasses but every now and then when she turned her head i could see the black eyes. she also had cuts on her face and arms.

i wanted to say something. but i didn't. i didn't want to seem nosey, or to offend. but with the way they were acting, i could tell tensions were high (we were at a restaurant, they hardly spoke.) i still reflect back on that time. should i speak up next time? or should i hope she does eventually? i just don't know what to do!
I know what you mean......i have had a couple of situations like that, when you want to say something but you don't know if it would make it worse or if they turn around and tell you to mind your business or (something i am afraid of, that they are likely to give you a belting). But i don't think anyone can be silent and ignore it......how to report it is the thing, and when they are a stranger it's nearlly impossible to do that.

In Australia we have DoCS (Department of Community Services) it's a service that people can access and report on this sort of stuff. I'm sure there is a similar organisation elsewhere. I had to use it myself just recently on my neighbour......as well as contacting the police and notifying them of alleged Domestic Violence.....i have approached the wife and she has come in for a coffee and i have even asked her outright "Does he hit you?" She denies it, says he only yells....but the noises coming from their house tells me different (smashing glass, thudding sounds, crying and yelling), I (as well as other neighbours that would happen to hear them) still call the cops & DoCS everytime i hear them fight, which is roughly once a month, because maybe , just maybe she might just get the courage to get away from him. She never charges him with assault and unless the cops actually catch him doing it in the act, there is nothing they can do. She is such a lovely person and our kids get on really well. I'm so worried for her.
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Old 09-25-2007, 10:44 AM   #5
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I have a different experience... a girl asked me to beat her because it turned her on, she really is into SM. And she didn´t ask for a nice little slap on her ass for fun, but for real slaps in her face. Turns her on to be humiliated. I really couldn´t relate to that so we separated.
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Old 09-25-2007, 06:57 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by unico
i have a question...is it none of my business? this summer i saw a young family: father, son, and mother. the mother was wearing HUGE sunglasses but every now and then when she turned her head i could see the black eyes. she also had cuts on her face and arms.

i wanted to say something. but i didn't. i didn't want to seem nosey, or to offend. but with the way they were acting, i could tell tensions were high (we were at a restaurant, they hardly spoke.) i still reflect back on that time. should i speak up next time? or should i hope she does eventually? i just don't know what to do!
I think it's changing, very slowly, but it is changing. Prior generations viewed it as a personal issue; a marriage issue. It's really only recently that even the courts are beginning to acknowledge it as a crime and treating it as such. When assault occurs in the home we suddenly go quiet and awkwardly change the subject while silently wondering. If it were a child or a stranger being assaulted, we're suddenly much more sure of what to do. We get righteously huffy and angry and don't hesitate to jump in. We've just got to stop thinking of it as a domestic and private issue. No more excuses.
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Old 09-25-2007, 07:38 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by Angela Harlem


I think it's changing, very slowly, but it is changing. Prior generations viewed it as a personal issue; a marriage issue. It's really only recently that even the courts are beginning to acknowledge it as a crime and treating it as such. When assault occurs in the home we suddenly go quiet and awkwardly change the subject while silently wondering. If it were a child or a stranger being assaulted, we're suddenly much more sure of what to do. We get righteously huffy and angry and don't hesitate to jump in. We've just got to stop thinking of it as a domestic and private issue. No more excuses.
but seeing the aftermath of a stranger is different from seeing it in person. that's what makes it iffy, you know?
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Old 09-25-2007, 09:39 PM   #8
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I do, definitely. I know a woman, actually the mother of a preschool mate of my daughter, who I suspect is a victim of such. The 'boyfriend' is your typical jittery loser who I suspected was a heavy pot smoker, and now know he is. I saw her once with a black eye with the sunglasses. I got suspicious, but it wasn't until I saw marks on the daughter's back at another girl's birthday party that I really began to worry that he is an abusive man for all of them. Maybe she really did walk into a door. I sincerely doubt it though. Common sense dictates she is just another victim. I saw one incident which really pissed me off for weeks, and still does, when the father was trying to play with one of their 3 daughters in the backyard of the preschool and one of the little ones was utterly terrified when he stood over her to throw a ball. She ran screaming hysterically from him. It broke my heart to see her little face as she was clawing at the school's door to get away from him. Children are not naturally petrified of their own parents.

It always ends up back at your point, doesn't it. Reporting this will cause an invstigation. An investigation will be unlikely to lead anywhere unless she is willing to involve the police and press charges - which won't happen because I am sure she is well versed as all are in excuses. She wont leave him, and her girls will grow up with their major influence being a pot smoking abuser.
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Old 09-25-2007, 10:09 PM   #9
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I had an employee back when I managed a store who I was pretty much certain was being abused by her live-in boyfriend. The company's HR manager for the region told me there was really nothing I could do other than make vague offers of 'help,' so that's what I did...she had ongoing punctuality issues anyway, so every time I had her into my office to speak with her about that, I made sure to give her a 'meaningful look' and say "If there's anything I can do to help you, please let me know" but nothing ever came of it. The two of them both looked to be pretty messed-up people...she also showed signs of a drug problem, they belonged to some kind of neo-Nazi group and, not that this amounts to anything 'meaningful,' but I'm blessed/cursed with an unfailing knack for recognizing an Obsessive Creep when I meet one, and her boyfriend just made my skin crawl. As it turned out I wound up having to fire her, so I have no idea what became of them.
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Old 09-26-2007, 01:55 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by Angela Harlem
I do, definitely. I know a woman, actually the mother of a preschool mate of my daughter, who I suspect is a victim of such. The 'boyfriend' is your typical jittery loser who I suspected was a heavy pot smoker, and now know he is. I saw her once with a black eye with the sunglasses. I got suspicious, but it wasn't until I saw marks on the daughter's back at another girl's birthday party that I really began to worry that he is an abusive man for all of them. Maybe she really did walk into a door. I sincerely doubt it though. Common sense dictates she is just another victim. I saw one incident which really pissed me off for weeks, and still does, when the father was trying to play with one of their 3 daughters in the backyard of the preschool and one of the little ones was utterly terrified when he stood over her to throw a ball. She ran screaming hysterically from him. It broke my heart to see her little face as she was clawing at the school's door to get away from him. Children are not naturally petrified of their own parents.

It always ends up back at your point, doesn't it. Reporting this will cause an invstigation. An investigation will be unlikely to lead anywhere unless she is willing to involve the police and press charges - which won't happen because I am sure she is well versed as all are in excuses. She wont leave him, and her girls will grow up with their major influence being a pot smoking abuser.
But this is where DoCS can come involved........police are mandated to report Domestic Violence to DoCS, and the whole process is sped along especially when kids are concerned (well, they assure this anyway, I know in obvious cases, things can go horribly wrong, but it just goes to show how unpredictable these sorts of situations are)......even with my neighbour, there is no doubt abuse is going on in that house next to me, the police have even said this to me, they said keep ringing us everytime you think it's happening. DoCS know about them but still the children are in the house, apparently they have been assessed, and I don't know what exactly goes on, but other neighbours have seen cars come to the house, I assume it's DoCS and having said that, since we have been reporting, the grandmother is on the scene alot and helping out.

But definately ignoring it won't help.
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Old 09-26-2007, 04:37 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Angela Harlem

We've just got to stop thinking of it as a domestic and private issue. No more excuses.
Agreed. Same goes for violence towards children. Some people still feel awkward to step in when a father or mother beats his/her kid.
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Old 09-26-2007, 05:37 AM   #12
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Re: To the women of interference - who got flowers today

I'm a bit surprised at this line "If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him" because according to almost everything I've heard/read about domestic violence, the chances are good that is exactly what she was attempting to do (or had just done). Leaving an abusive partner is the single most dangerous time for a battered woman. I've read that women who are in the process of leaving or have recently left abusive male partners are up to 75% more likely to be killed by the batterer than those who stay.

Of course in no way do I advocate woman (or anyone) remaining in abusive relationships, but the above info points out that sometimes well meaning action can lead to an even more dangerous -- even deadly -- situation for the person you want to help. Doing nothing clearly won't solve the problem, but sometimes doing the wrong thing, even if it should be the right thing, can be deadly.

I have heard of domestic abuse organisations putting info -- hotline numbers, escape plan checklists, shelter info, etc. -- in places woman go but abusers aren't apt to find it such as women's public restrooms. The idea is to let the woman make plans without the batterer having a clue. You also have to remember that often an abuser doesn't only threaten the women herself with more harm and even death, but also pets, friends, other family members, and of course, the children (if there are any).

So I don't think it's any wonder that people don't know what to do even when they see obvious abuse. It's very much a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.
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Old 09-26-2007, 07:30 AM   #13
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That poem gave me chills all over

My sister was thrown against a wall and choked by her husband several times.

Our family are very tight and she kept it to herself for a long time.

We finally found out when she had to call the police.

Her husband moved out for a few months and both have had a lot of therapy. . . . . they are still together.

"He wasn't himself at the time," and mental issues were blamed. My Dad was quite prepared to become "someone else" if given half a chance.

I was absolutely terrified for the first few weeks after we found out. Every time the phone rang I thought the worst.

When we asked where her 2 year old was when this was happening she replied, "watching from his high chair."


I never thought it would happen in my family



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Old 10-08-2007, 07:54 AM   #14
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^ I hope your sister is doing OK, I can only imagine the difficulty picking up the pieces. I am helping my neighbour right now trying to do just that.

The situation has excalated with my neighbours, it's really frightning now.......thankfully the adult male occupant is now in custody. It has the whole street and my family involved.

The first incident happened on Friday night, where one of the other neighbours was threatened with rape and be-heading while holding a machete, she called the police but they could not do anything except take her statement and give him a warning, as he was back in his home playing dumb,....this happened in front of her husband.

Next morning, my brother arrived, i was un-aware (i could not hear a thing from my house) that he had been approached by the crazy neighbour also wielding a machete. My brother remained calmed and tried to talk to him, but the man was talking nonsence, he told my brother that he is not afraid of him and his "gangsters", my mum lives across the road and she noticed there was yelling as the neigbours children (from the woman he earlier threatened) came out, when they saw that he had a machete, they approached him but then he started to call them "poofters" and "the devil" all the while swinging this knife around, while his 3yr old son was walking around with a packet of chips. My mum came out and he started to walk over to her , he started to bellow that he would "cut off her fucking head too!" He said he was king of Australia and chief of this village and he could have what ever woman he wanted in this street, our homes are his homes. My mother managed to call the police secretly on her mobile.

He started to lunge at the men trying to calm him down with the machete. He was not caught red-handed, by the time the police arrived he had demoted his weapon to a piece of wood, but he started to swear at the police saying he was not afraid of our gangster friends and that he would chop all our heads off from the shoulders. He started to then threaten police with the piece of wood, they got him in the paddy wagon.

This is where i came out of the house, as i could hear a commotion and lots of yelling. The paddy wagon was rocking madly and then it drove off.

I was left in the middle of the street with my mum, and our neigbour that was threatened, and the mans wife and children crying (mine were thankfully inside watching a movie), along with a scared but "controlled anger" group of young males, including my dear brother.

The police say he won't be out for a while, there is definately some mental issue going on, why he has not been assessed yet, i have no fucking idea!

My Mum, my neighbour (who was threatened personally) and myself have been trying to help "Betty" (not her real name) and the kids.

She is appreciative of the support but i'm not sure if she will act on it, between the 3 of us we have contacted DoCS 3 times, women's refuges and support groups but again she is not quite moving at a speed that we would like, it's almost like she is used to this. The children were back at riding the bikes after an 1hr of the ordeal taking place, which would also point that it's not unusual to them either.

I have never done this before and did not really think i would never have to, but can i ask for prayers, support, courage and strength for "Betty" please.
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Old 10-08-2007, 07:58 AM   #15
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^thanks. they're both doing a lot better now. There's been a lot of counselling but I don't know if I'll ever really trust him again
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