sallycinnamon78
New Yorker
Warning:
Dear Ms Minogue,
COME IN NUMBER 51 - YOUR TIME IS UP.
First off: yes, you have a very nice arse. Judging by the unavoidable recent clips of your Showgirl tour that have been scattered through the TV/papers/mags radio, I must also admit that you do put on a good live show. You are indeed, as you once said youself,a "show pony". Hurrah, well done, good for you. Next?
You were wonderful in 1987 when we were all too young to know any better. I recently had the misfortune of hearing your version of The Locomotion from 1988. You have at least learned to hold a note since then. You're not all bad.
We loved you in Neighbours, even though it was shite - Charlene was a cool character. You were one of my icons, and I remember sitting in the playground during lunch break, writing letters to you with my friends. We didn't believe you lived in Australia, and so rang up every Minogue listed in the London phone books (total of 27) to try and speak to you, much to the exasperation of our parents.
Well, as I say, I was only 9, so it was allowed.
Then you became a mini-Madonna for a year while getting up to allsorts with Michael Hutchence. Fortunately for me, I missed all this nonsense as I had moved to the States in 1990. I remember the horror of seeing you on a late night entertainment show over there. When I left the UK, 9 months prior to this, you were all cute curls, with no visible bust, wearing daft hats and puffball dresses. I kept telling my mum it was you, and because you looked so different, she wouldn't believe it was you until she saw the credits roll.
Then... a brief disco period. Wasn't it 'Indie Kylie' in 1993 for a while after that? Then, oblivion. 'Arty' Kylie duetting with Nick Cave, 1996, reading the words to I Should Be So Lucky at a poetry reading in an 'ironic' gesture.
Yawn. Then, guess what? Ah yes, our old pal Oblivion! After that, thankfully, you buggered off for a bit and gave our poorbleeding ears a rest. Yay! Another cutsie pie has-been bites the dust.
Until 2000ish. *Jaws music* Just when we thought it was safe to listen to the radio again: AAARGH! You're back! As a hotpants-wearing disco queen, with an incredibly plasticy complexion. After 16 years of trying, you finally manage to break the US with that ridiculous 'na na na na na ne na na' song. Now don't you try and blame Cathy Dennis just because she wrote it. You made it into an atrocity. A catchy atrocity, but nonetheless, bloody awful!
Now listen here, wombatfeatures. You look fantastic in gold lame shorts and who can deny that you have aged very well, and probably would have done so even without the (alleged) plastic surgery? That is no mean feat, considering you have the face of a horse. Still, some things are better left in 1988 where they belong. I'm afraid, my dear, that you are one of them.
Good luck headlining Glastonbury. You'll need it! It makes me glad that I left Somerset after my A-levels.
Please go away for the sake of our poor childrens ears.
Kind regards,
Dear Ms Minogue,
COME IN NUMBER 51 - YOUR TIME IS UP.
First off: yes, you have a very nice arse. Judging by the unavoidable recent clips of your Showgirl tour that have been scattered through the TV/papers/mags radio, I must also admit that you do put on a good live show. You are indeed, as you once said youself,a "show pony". Hurrah, well done, good for you. Next?
You were wonderful in 1987 when we were all too young to know any better. I recently had the misfortune of hearing your version of The Locomotion from 1988. You have at least learned to hold a note since then. You're not all bad.
We loved you in Neighbours, even though it was shite - Charlene was a cool character. You were one of my icons, and I remember sitting in the playground during lunch break, writing letters to you with my friends. We didn't believe you lived in Australia, and so rang up every Minogue listed in the London phone books (total of 27) to try and speak to you, much to the exasperation of our parents.
Well, as I say, I was only 9, so it was allowed.Then you became a mini-Madonna for a year while getting up to allsorts with Michael Hutchence. Fortunately for me, I missed all this nonsense as I had moved to the States in 1990. I remember the horror of seeing you on a late night entertainment show over there. When I left the UK, 9 months prior to this, you were all cute curls, with no visible bust, wearing daft hats and puffball dresses. I kept telling my mum it was you, and because you looked so different, she wouldn't believe it was you until she saw the credits roll.
Then... a brief disco period. Wasn't it 'Indie Kylie' in 1993 for a while after that? Then, oblivion. 'Arty' Kylie duetting with Nick Cave, 1996, reading the words to I Should Be So Lucky at a poetry reading in an 'ironic' gesture.
Yawn. Then, guess what? Ah yes, our old pal Oblivion! After that, thankfully, you buggered off for a bit and gave our poorbleeding ears a rest. Yay! Another cutsie pie has-been bites the dust.Until 2000ish. *Jaws music* Just when we thought it was safe to listen to the radio again: AAARGH! You're back! As a hotpants-wearing disco queen, with an incredibly plasticy complexion. After 16 years of trying, you finally manage to break the US with that ridiculous 'na na na na na ne na na' song. Now don't you try and blame Cathy Dennis just because she wrote it. You made it into an atrocity. A catchy atrocity, but nonetheless, bloody awful!
Now listen here, wombatfeatures. You look fantastic in gold lame shorts and who can deny that you have aged very well, and probably would have done so even without the (alleged) plastic surgery? That is no mean feat, considering you have the face of a horse. Still, some things are better left in 1988 where they belong. I'm afraid, my dear, that you are one of them.
Good luck headlining Glastonbury. You'll need it! It makes me glad that I left Somerset after my A-levels.
Please go away for the sake of our poor childrens ears.
Kind regards,
Last edited:
Could still do without the tuneless yowling, though. 
I can't believe you rang all the Minogues!!!!!! You are so cool. You've been elevated to a super status in my book, Sara!
Why spend 20+ years building a strong identity for yourself and then desperately try to be from somewhere else?! Great tunes though, in general.
It would be boring if we were all alike.
