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Old 07-05-2002, 12:06 PM   #1
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There's no "I" in Cap'n Crunch

A classic from the vault @ Mcsweeney's.net:

POSSIBLE WINNING SOLUTIONS
TO THE BOARD GAME "CLUE"
IF THE CHARACTERS
WERE REPLACED WITH
RIGHT-LEANING POLITICAL PUNDITS,
THE WEAPONS REPLACED
WITH LOGICAL FALLACIES,
AND THE ROOMS REPLACED
WITH EITHER JUNG'S
"PSYCHIC CONTAINERS"
OR VARIETIES OF SOFT CHEESE.

BY JOHN WARNER

- - - -

Laura Ingraham with the Hasty Generalization in the Consciousness

Mary Matalin with the Equivocation in the Brie

William Safire with the Non Sequitur in the Personal Subconscious

Ann Coulter with the Ad Hominem in the Mascarpone

Hardball's Chris Matthews with the Bandwagon in the Havarti

William F. Buckley Jr. with the Slippery Slope in the Collective Subconscious

George Will with the Red Herring in the Gouda
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Old 07-05-2002, 12:11 PM   #2
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Re: There's no "I" in Cap'n Crunch

Quote:
Originally posted by Spiral_Staircase
George Will with the Red Herring in the Gouda
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Old 07-05-2002, 12:43 PM   #3
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again, from McSweeney's....

N E A R L Y 1 0 0 W A Y S
T O A P P R O A C H
I N F I N I T Y .

BY IAN VARLEY

- - - -

1. Get a good pen and draw a straight line which does not end. You may also need to find some very long paper and a very long surface on which to put it. Concentrate on your feelings of superiority to the miserable creatures who must live in a single dimension, two whole dimensions less than you. Ha, ha. They can't even tie their shoes, because they don't have room to bend over.

2. Peel an infinitely large onion. (You can usually find these in the produce aisle of your local chain grocer; if that fails, try online at one of those infinite-produce Web sites you've heard so much about.) To reduce eye irritation, try holding an infinitely long matchstick in your mouth. Be careful not to cover any major metropolitan areas with the discarded skins. Do not eat it! You are finite and will probably die or at least get very bad indigestion from eating anything infinite, let alone an onion.

3. Approach an asymptote. Do not be nervous — it's probably just as scared as you are. Ask it if it wants to get some coffee or maybe catch an old Bogart flick. Be prepared to wait while the ticket taker asks to see its ID. If anything goes wrong, don't panic; remember that you are not infinite, and you can leave if you want to.

4. Go about your business as usual. If anyone asks what you are doing, open your mouth and inhale all the matter in the universe.

5. Cancel a date with your significant other; when asked why, explain that you are trying to approach infinity, and that it is very insensitive of him / her to not understand that. Say, "You're just so finite." Then laugh to yourself because when you get right down to it, you're pretty finite too, more or less. Make up and have a never-ending vanilla malt.

6. Gather your belongings on a cloudy day. Set sail for an island off the coast of wherever you live. Give thanks to the sea for bearing you away from your heartaches and troubles. Repeat c. 35 trillion times.

7. Send a letter to yourself and when you get it, write "Return to Sender" on it. Be sure to hold on to a lamppost or bench so you are not sucked into the resulting vortex. (Just kidding; there's no way to escape.)

8. Make a very, very tall stack of turtles. If someone asks you if you are trying to recreate the ancient myth of the world being supported on the back of a turtle, which is on the back of another turtle, and so forth, say, "No, I am just stacking turtles. What myth was that again?"

9. Realize that even if you multiply infinity raised to the infinity power times infinity plus infinite infinities, there's always room for a little bit more. Try not to be infuriated by this and brood; accept it as a part of the nature of things. Punch your pillow if you need to.

10. Contemplate plenum. Contemplate void. Contemplate Daisy Duke and that painter guy on "Murphy Brown" playing Hearts recursively with Stephen Hawking and your Freshman roommate, on a steel raft floating in a sea of lava. Hold all these things in your heart and ponder them forever.

11. Weigh your dissent over time, first in metric units (grams per second) and then in English units (grains per fortnight). Take the integral of the function used to compute the difference, write it down, and arrange to have it tattooed on your back. Chicken out at the last minute.

12. Throw a can of tomato soup at the speed of light. Then travel back in time to catch it and invent tomato soup in 1983 and make a fortune.
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Old 07-05-2002, 01:02 PM   #4
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Indeed....

R E M E M B E R I N
" P A S S E N G E R 5 7 " W H E N
E L I Z A B E T H H U R L E Y
S A Y S " H O W W O U L D
Y O U L I K E Y O U R
S T E A K , S I R ? " A N D
H E S A Y S " B L O O D Y ! "
A N D T H E N T H E Y
S T A R T S H O O T I N G
P E O P L E ? O K . F I V E
O T H E R W A Y S H E
C O U L D H A V E L I K E D
H I S S T E A K , W I T H T H E
C O N C O M I T A N T K I L L I N G
M E T H O D O L O G I E S .

BY JOSH LEVIN

- - - -

1. "Rare!" — Victims beaten to death with Italian Renaissance painting.

2. "Medium!" — Psychic's revelations of future all too real. Anguish and despair force victims to jump off plane.

3. "Pink!" — Victims tortured by repeat playings of "There You Go."

4. "Raw!" — Victims berated by Eddie Murphy (in walk-on role) for being gay. To death.

5. "Cut into small pieces and fed to me!" — Yes.
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Old 07-05-2002, 01:09 PM   #5
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Rarely have I laughed as hard as when I read.....

C A U S E A N D E F F E C T
R U L E S F O R
S I D E W A L K T R A V E L .

BY JOHN MOE

- - - -

Step on a crack, break your mother's back

Step on a line, break your father's spine

Step on a flea, become a sucker MC

Step on some dirt, move in with William Hurt

Step on a rock, lose your favorite frock

Step on a bee, become a sucker MC

Step on a plant, remember Adam Ant?

Step on some grass, hey get off the grass

Step on a lime, travel back in time

Step on a crack vial, break your mother's back vial

Step on a twig, listen to Edvard Grieg

Step on a tree, become a sucker MC

Step on a curb, use a passive verb

Step on Joyce DeWitt, throw a hysterical fit

Step on some paper, solve a thrilling caper

Step on some cardboard, change your name to "Mardboard"

Step on some trash, get way into Graham Nash

Step on a sucker MC, hey, wow, good job!
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Old 07-05-2002, 01:11 PM   #6
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Yyyyyyeah...
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Old 07-05-2002, 01:23 PM   #7
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One just for you, Mr. Not Mr. Lucas.....

L I N E S O F " S T A R W A R S "
D I A L O G U E I F
O B I - W A N K E N O B I
H A D B E E N R E A L L Y ,
R E A L L Y D E P R E S S E D .

BY GREG KNAUSS

- - - -

"For more than a thousand generations the Jedi were the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. Before the dark times. Before the Empire. Before she decided she needed to 'find' herself. Before I wasn't good enough. Bitch."

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. And don't I know what that's like."

"The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the gala— Oh, it's all horseshit. God."

"If you strike me down, I shall become more grateful than you can possibly imagine."

"Remember, the Force will be with you, always. Except when you really need it, when a little encouragement would do you some good, just a little 'Atta boy,' just a little gratitude. But no. Fine."
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Old 07-05-2002, 01:41 PM   #8
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keep up the good work, spiral.
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Old 07-05-2002, 03:20 PM   #9
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you asked for it

a watched pot never boils......


W I L D E R N E S S
S U R V I V A L G U I D E .

BY PETER FERLAND

- - - -

It seems unlikely in this modern age that someone could actually get lost in the wilderness, right? The average suburban citizen suckling at the entertaining teat of the new fall lineup barely sets foot outdoors, let alone risks being swallowed up by acres of woodland. Well, believe it or not, we are all — even the most Funyun-bag-handed of us — one wrong turn, one fraternity prank, one improperly prescribed medication away from clambering up a rotten stump in the middle of 5000 acres of National Forest and saying: "Or was it this way...?" This guide is intended to help you survive such a desperate situation and, if all goes well, get you back home in time for "Providence."

The number one mistake people make when they're lost in the woods is to recall the old saying: "Don't Panic." The actual saying you must heed is "Don't Picnic." When you are struggling to stay alive, picnicking attracts bears, wastes precious brie, and you have to carry around a lot of dirty paper plates until you find a Dumpster.

What you do want to do — the very second you realize you're lost — is drop your possessions and run. Capitalize on that blind, unreasoning terror and sprint as hard and as fast as you can in any direction. Nothing else matters, just go — repeating, as you do, "This is not happening!" or more simply, "No! No! No!" If you can keep your speed up, without slamming into a tree or rocketing yourself off a cliff, you will automatically find yourself not lost anymore. Congratulations.

If you're still lost after all that, don't give up. Take big, gulping, wasteful drinks from your canteen. You may feel like collapsing into a heap on the ground and sobbing pathetically like a schoolgirl ("I'm going to die! I'm going to die"), but don't. Save that for later when it's dark and you clearly hear a pack of bears nearby mauling a faun. For now, pull yourself together. Examine your surroundings and take stock of the situation. Then, really run for it. Pour on the juice. Get the hell out of there.

In the event you do encounter a bear, do not be alarmed by the pitch and volume of your screaming. It's primal, so go with it. If the bears start charging or seem aggressive, use your head: snatch up a cub and do some bargaining. Threaten to harm it if the bears don't stay back. Maybe you can even get them to lead you to the highway. If there is no cub, run. Ignore the claims that a bear is as fast as a horse. Everyone knows when you're scared you can run wicked fast, so don't worry about it. If the bear somehow manages to catch you, scramble up its body, hold its muzzle closed with your hands and butt it with your forehead. Bears hate this. Note: if the bear is really determined to shred you like hamster bedding, then, well, kiss this sweet life goodbye, slowly and lingeringly, with tongues.

You will eventually need to stop running and set up camp before it gets dark. (If you are fortunate enough to be lost in Alaska or Siberia or another of those midnight-sun locales, you can keep running all night long!) The ideal shelter will keep you warm, dry, and free from the gouging puncture wounds usually associated with a bear encounter. Stack large timbers log-cabin-style into a four-sided structure 8 to 10 feet high. Cover it with a woven thatch-and-pine-needle roof and seal the cracks between the logs with pine-tar cement. If for some reason you are not able to achieve this before nightfall, don't worry, you can seal the cracks in the morning. Compliment yourself for having survived thus far. Sit back, relax in your new shelter, and let the mind-numbing fear creep up on you from all corners and nip at your brain.

By now, you're probably hungry — it's a good idea to find food. Fortunately, the wilderness is an amazing provider and food is abundant.

How to kill and eat a tree rat: Catch it by the tail and fling it away from you in horror as quickly as you can. If all goes well, the rat will land skull-side-down on a pointed rock and immediately die. If the rat instead lands in your hair, run around in a figure eight screaming "Get off get off get off" until the rat is gone. The rat that lands on a pile of feathers may only be stunned, in which case you will need to act fast. Smother the rat with the pillow from which the feathers came, until it stops struggling and expires. It helps to soothe the moral difficulty of this by telling yourself the rat was a terminal case and, rather than be a burden to its family, the noble creature preferred to end its life this way and retain its dignity.

Peel open the filthy thing like a banana. Pick out the parts you can't imagine yourself eating and what is left over will be an appetizing little pile for you to enjoy. (Don't be squeamish about this: you've probably had rat every time you've eaten an eggroll and didn't even know it.)

Making it through your first night in the wild will do wonders for your outlook and you will be able to embrace the new day. After a rat breakfast, you can focus your energies on being spotted. Do not flash a mirror at a passing airplane. This often causes the blinded pilot to steer into the side of a mountain. To best get the attention of your rescuers, undo the top button of your shirt and put a little vanilla behind your ears. Another good way is to signal with smoke. Smoke rings are always impressive, but to really get noticed you may want to French inhale.

Once spotted, you may have to wait an hour or longer before you are actually rescued. Remain calm, say a prayer of thanks and take some time to get your story straight about what happened to the others.
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Old 07-05-2002, 04:47 PM   #10
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Dave Eggers is a good guy. Despite the hype, he's still a good guy. I buy and read every single book McSweeney's publishes (well...I haven't read them all yet, but I'm working my way through them--just started the Stephen Dixon one yesterday).

Spiral, have you read the McSweeney's 'clarification page', specifically the NYT 2/14/01 bit? Very interesting exchange between Eggers and David Kirkpatrick from the NYT whom Eggers accuses of breaking a code of ethics known to all journalists, i.e. printing what is spoken off-the-record.
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Old 07-05-2002, 04:58 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by joyfulgirl
Dave Eggers is a good guy. Despite the hype, he's still a good guy.
my thoughts exactly....
I should have known you'd know McSweeney's.

No, I don't think I've ever actually read any of the clarifications. I'll check that one out.

I'll probably get Dixon's I., but haven't bought it yet.
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Old 07-05-2002, 05:48 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by Spiral_Staircase


my thoughts exactly....
I should have known you'd know McSweeney's.

No, I don't think I've ever actually read any of the clarifications. I'll check that one out.

I'll probably get Dixon's I., but haven't bought it yet.
Yep, I'm a McSweeney's head. My local bookstore guy calls me the minute the new issue or a new book is in (but now wait a minute, #8 is out?! Where's my damn phone call?) I haven't decided if I like the Dixon book yet or not...I think I do, but I'm only, like, 3 stories into it.
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Old 07-05-2002, 07:59 PM   #13
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there's also no i in "what the hell"

Quote:
Originally posted by Spiral_Staircase
William F. Buckley Jr. with the Slippery Slope in the Collective Subconscious
this here is, to me, an instant classic. *shakes fist at buckly*
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