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Old 11-29-2004, 01:47 PM   #1
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The worst biology assignment EVER!

Well, I just had to do the dumbest assignment I've ever had to do in my life for my AP bio class. I had to write an essay from the perspective of either a biotin-tagged primer, a dideoxynucleotide, or a DNA template and assign it human characteristics and discuss the process of DNA repication and detection. Sounds like fun doens't it? Hells yeah

anyway, just for shits and giggles, I'll post my essay here. But be forwarned, it's pretty crappy, and I usually write 10 times better than this. The assignment is just so stupid I couldn't force myself to put much effort into it. Oh Well

The Tale of a Sad Nucleotide
A Short Narrative from the Perspective of a guanine nucleotide

I have a lousy job, a lousy home, a lousy life all around. My name is Frank and I’m a sad nucleotide. I work at a small office on the north side of town, for a business called “HelpUon”. My job, along with all the other poor bastards that work with me is to send people directions over the computer. We send them directions to certain restaurants, gas stations, stores, public restrooms; you name it. My DNA, short for Directional Navigation Alley, is made up of a good three hundred or so employees. There are thousands of other alleys in the country, directing all the incompetents to their “desired destination”.
As it turns out, our alley is the best there is. The company management gave our building a special “Alley of the year” plaque a few months ago for our “Outstanding Achievement in Directional Navigation”. Yeah, I’m real proud now let me tell you. As it turns out, we are so good that the management has decided to take our specific DNA, and replicate it to make all the other alleys in the country just as efficient at the job.
Sure it sounds great and everything. I’m the shining example of all the directional navigator nucleotides in the entire country. The problem was, none of us had any form of registration with the company. It was all under the table type stuff. We just show up and they give us the money when we’re done. So, in order for the management to duplicate our system for all the other alleys, they had to find a way to organize and record us first. Before I get into that, I think a little background is needed.
There are four types of nucleotides in the HelpUon Corporation. First there are the adenines. These guys, who wear the A’s on their suits are bad-ass. I mean these dudes are seriously tough. They do most of the grunt work around here. They unload all the trucks with the new equipment, and rewire all the systems and things. The thing is, they have a tremendous attitude problem. Next we have the thymines. These are the sleazy type girls who hang around the office. They are put to do mostly busy work most of the time, as they aren’t too bright. The guanines, like myself, are the most intellectual of the group. We do all the hands-on communication with the customers. Finally, the cytosines are the ladies in big chairs. Cytosines are excellent decision-makers, with quick wits and good people skills. They handle all of the business aspects of the company.
Like I said before, all of us are not registered in any way with the company, so apart from our position in the alley, nothing is known about us. There are however, quite a few here who have held jobs elsewhere in the area working for other DNA’s across the country. They are the dideoxynucleotides. They are the traceable ones. Yeah, that means They get paid better because of company policy and payment minimums and all those other official company benefits.
The management tricked us into organizing. Lord knows we didn’t want to, as things were quite comfortable without anybody looking over our shoulders all day long. The stupid ones didn’t realize what benefits we might gain though. The thing is, management isn’t stupid. They know how nucleotides interact. The sleazy thymines are attracted to the bad-boy personas of the adenines, and the adenines are attracted to the “easiness” of the thymines. Likewise, the guanines, myself included, find themselves attracted to the cytosine ladies, and they find us guanines far more pleasant than the rough and unsophisticated adenines.
Yes, that is how things work here in the office, one nucleotide simply irresistible to the other. Management used us like a pair of old hiking boots. One day, during the annual office picnic, management sent over a similar sized DNA from the next county. Their plan was perfect. Once they set us up as the template, every opportunity they could they set us up with other DNA’s nearby. Their plan, while perfect, was also very simple.
They had us each numbered, ordered. When we met up with other nucleotides, management would watch us pair up with our complements like we would under any normal circumstance. The thymines flirted with the adenines, and the cytosines held deep intellectual conversations with the guanines. Whenever one of the dideoxy’s would meet up with somebody down the line, management would track down their information, and based upon their nucleotide class, determine what class and what position their partner from our alley held.
It was sneaky, and it was under-handed, but it worked amazingly, without our knowledge of it even occurring. After about a few years of public interaction and company meeting, management eventually had all of us recorded in the log, and had our position in the alley and our nucleotide class in order. In less than a month, every single alley in the country was refitted with the same order of nucleotides as our perfect little alley. Company profits skyrocketed, and completely new policies were enforced. What I thought would bring me bigger salary and complimentary benefits within the company ended up bringing me no more than what we started with. Management figured we were happy enough with the little pay we were dealt off the books, that we would be happy with it now.
So that’s how things turned out for me. The company took advantage of me, tripled their profits, and screwed me over in the end. But that’s how my life has always been, sad and lonely. Little do the managers at HelpUon know that I plan to go in their principal office one-day and wipe them all out with a new genetic mutation I’ve worked out. Oh they will pay for their injustices. They will pay.

The End.

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Old 11-29-2004, 03:17 PM   #2
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The title alone is awesome.

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Old 11-29-2004, 03:19 PM   #3
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Thank You, haha. I wasn't even expecting anyone to spend the time to read this.
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Old 11-29-2004, 03:28 PM   #4
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jesus h christ.

that is fucking brilliant!!!

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Old 11-29-2004, 03:30 PM   #5
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Biology scared me in high school, and after reading this it still scares me now.
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Old 11-29-2004, 03:46 PM   #6
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i'm glad you can find the humor in science. i personally suck at anything science related
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Old 11-29-2004, 04:14 PM   #7
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Great story, Mac! Gotta feel for that nucleotide. Though it's a pity I hate biology so much... Give me chemistry any day.
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Old 11-29-2004, 04:29 PM   #8
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I like it! I really sucked in science, biology drove me nuts and the only reason I fooled with it was because I thought I wanted to work in a hospital. I ended up in a library.
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Old 11-29-2004, 05:03 PM   #9
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cute! Reminds me of an HS bio assignment where we had to invent a virus (with the same characteristics of a real virus of course).
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Old 11-29-2004, 05:45 PM   #10
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that's pretty smart!.. you have such a good sense of humor
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Old 11-29-2004, 06:00 PM   #11
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I like!
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Old 11-29-2004, 11:19 PM   #12
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I enjoyed it but I really have no idea what I just enjoyed
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Old 11-29-2004, 11:22 PM   #13
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I am a biologist, and that was brilliant!!!!

Great work. Hate to see what you could do if you put your mind too it
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Old 11-30-2004, 04:43 AM   #14
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Turing Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine and Guanine into boys and girls with the hots for each other was great idea.

And this was hilarious, "Little do the managers at HelpUon know that I plan to go in their principal office one-day and wipe them all out with a new genetic mutation I’ve worked out."
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Old 11-30-2004, 04:49 AM   #15
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