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Old 12-12-2005, 12:19 AM   #16
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US Airways."

And from the pilot during his welcome message, "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
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Old 12-12-2005, 12:28 AM   #17
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SAS - Such A Shame.

KLM - Keeps Losing Money, Keeps Luggage Missing.

Pacific Western Airlines PWA - Pray While Aloft

LOT- (Polish Airlines) - Last One There, Luggage On Tarmac.

DELTA - Departing Even Later Than Expected
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Old 12-12-2005, 01:19 AM   #18
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I've heard some of the Southwest humor, they are funny.

Once when we were waiting in an airport for some arriving friends we heard on the overhead PA "Paging the owner of a bright green volkswagen parked in front of baggage claim, please report to baggage security-your vehicle is not being towed, it's just really, really ugly". It took a few minutes but folks in the airport were in hysterics....there were a few more funny announcements...probably someone on a dare or having fun with the PA system. It was funny though.
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Old 12-12-2005, 01:47 PM   #19
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Always remember: there is only one direction when the fuel is finished.
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Old 12-12-2005, 05:52 PM   #20
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From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest FlightXXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

---------------------------
BNWA
Bankrupt Next Week - Again.

ATA
All Times Approximate

MIAT
Maybe I Arrive Today
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Old 12-12-2005, 06:08 PM   #21
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Airline Dictionary



Passenger [noun]
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
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Old 12-12-2005, 06:53 PM   #22
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THY (Turkish Airlines) = They Hate You.
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Old 12-12-2005, 08:16 PM   #23
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I love this thread! It's so funny!
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:43 PM   #24
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Well Carek, I'm glad you do, because nobody else seems to!

I'm a bit more contrite now: I've just looked at the BBC website archives and saw a report on the Iranian plane crash last week. Somehow, I managed to forget (which is unusual)... had I remembered, I'd have kept this little thread stored away for a while. I must admit my timing was awful in this case, so it's no wonder people got the arse about it!
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:50 PM   #25
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Okay, moving on to more, um, cheerful nonsense:

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

http://www.byfaith.co.uk/paulb81.htm
You know you are on a budget airline when:

# Your pockets are checked for food and drink.
# You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
# Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your velcro.
# The pilot asks all the passengers to chip in a little for fuel.
# When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
# The pilot shouts at the farmers to get the cows off the runway.
# The 'in flight' safety check takes twice as long as normal.
# The stewardesses wear name tags as well as ‘trainee badges’.
# It is compulsory to buy chewing gum or sweets on board.
# The stewardesses expect to be tipped.
# The stewardesses are not wearing makeup!
# But they all wear parachutes!
# All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
# Sick bags, safety cards and will forms are all in the seat pouch.
# When you arrive at your destination, you are in the middle of nowhere!
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:59 PM   #26
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A burly good 'ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don't see the stewardess around".
The steward answers, "Actually I'm not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I'd be happy to get you a drink".
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
Steward: "Actually sir, we don't call it that anymore."

------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Old 12-12-2005, 10:07 PM   #27
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CPA (Canadian Airl.Intl.)
Can't Promise Anything

(New code CAI) -
Circle Airport Indefinitely
Call Attendants "Idiots"
Copilots Are Imbeciles

http://pintday.org/funny/airlinejokes
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – Oh my God!” Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
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Old 12-12-2005, 11:44 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally posted by sallycinnamon78
[B]Okay, moving on to more, um, cheerful nonsense:

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
]

That's good! I used to live there....The area has really grown in the past 10 years, but prior to that a plane could probably have done this!
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Old 12-19-2005, 11:41 PM   #29
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Ever wish you hadn't started a thread?! I do!

It's kind of funny really, in a warped way: having started this thread last week while in a silly mood, I've just found out that my Mum is going to be flying today.

Yes, I know I'm being a total moron, but I'm petrified! I'm a lousy flier and get even more paranoid when it's someone else hurtling through the air in a metal tube. AARRGH!

That's the last time I start a thread like this - I've terrified myself with my own nonsense! I shall stick to threads about kittens and cute girlie things in future. (Actually, I won't, but I'll damn well give up yakking on about air travel.)

Off to rock in my padded cell with my nice white jacket on until I know all is well.

- A somewhat contrite Sally
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Old 12-19-2005, 11:51 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally posted by sallycinnamon78
Air India
After I Return I'll never Do It Again
Haha! That's so true! Air India sucks!

Sally ... you sure can type up posts in a jiffy!



Btw, I like how some people who don't like a certain thread, instead of just ignoring and not posting in it, simply give it a bad rating!

So immature!
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