Twelve Ways You Can Better Respect Tom Brady and the Patriots
1. Genuflect whenever you say, read or hear the number 12. (That's four genuflections already this column. So do it. Do it! You don't want to disrespect Tom Brady, do you?! That's better.)
2. Refer to the current year as "Year 47," not 2006, as history did not truly begin until the Patriots organization was founded in 1960.
3. Take a life-size cardboard cutout of a New England Patriots player with you wherever you go. And be sure to include it in all of your conversations so it doesn't feel left out. It will speak back to you when you are worthy.
4. Shave clean every day. It is disrespectful of you to think you can pull off the sexy stubble look as well as Tom Brady.
5. After lovemaking, apologize to your partner for not being Tom Brady.
6. Boycott network television until every commercial features at least one member of the Patriots.
7. Petition the NFL to have all of Tom Brady's fumbles over his career stricken from the official league record book because of the tuck rule.
8. Never call it a "butt chin." It's a cleft chin. And know that gazing deep into Tom Brady's reveals the secrets of life.
9. Refuse to attend religious services until your local church/synagogue/mosque acknowledges the Patriots' playbook as a holy book on par with any other.
10. Have all of Bridget Moynahan's movies playing on a continuous loop on every television in your home. But never ever gawk or leer at her in a lustful manner. Tom Brady knows and sees all, and you will pay for such a transgression.
11. Every time you come across a baby goat, give it a long and passionate hug. Tom Brady would expect nothing less.
12. (Genuflect.) And finally, just to be safe, begin every sentence -- no matter what it's about -- with: "No disrespect to the Patriots intended, but …"
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