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Old 08-02-2004, 01:02 AM   #1
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The Monty Python Movies Thread

Here's the deal. We're going through MP movies one at a time, starting with the Holy Grail, then Life of Brian and finally Meaning of Life. I'll start.

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
Scene 1

[opening music]
[wind]
[clop clop clop]

KING ARTHUR:
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
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Old 08-02-2004, 12:49 PM   #2
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I thought I was the only freak who enjoyed Monty Python...
I saw Life of Brian, I loved it!
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Old 08-02-2004, 05:31 PM   #3
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Holy Grail . . . . Best.Movie.Ever

SOLDIER #1:
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1:
Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:
I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.
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Old 08-02-2004, 06:08 PM   #4
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I absolutely love the Meaning of Life and the skit- "can I ave your liver?" and then the guy jumps out of the fridge and sings about the whole grand expanse of the universive and how infinite we all are- very funny stuff
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Old 08-02-2004, 07:35 PM   #5
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ARTHUR: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: What?

SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--

SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR: We found them.

SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!




Love this thread DaveC
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Old 08-02-2004, 07:46 PM   #6
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"..come back and fight , you coward.."

Monty Python
quite often my life feels like one big Monty Python skit
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Old 08-02-2004, 07:58 PM   #7
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Try to listen to some songs, like 'The Vagina Song', or 'the many uses of the word fuck'
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Old 08-02-2004, 08:01 PM   #8
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e.g.
King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England

"..a mere flesh wound.."

we regularly have the 3 questions here too
"what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
What do you mean? An African or a European swallow?"


back to the Black Knight ..."what are you gonna do, bleed on me?....
come back here and takes what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off..."

...someone stop me


Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!


**blames Dave**
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Old 08-02-2004, 08:03 PM   #9
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did monty python start that? the many uses...?
I find I use the complete sentence quite often lately,
fuck the fucking fuckers

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Old 08-02-2004, 08:09 PM   #10
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Monty Python were great, but my favorite
is Fawlty Towers!
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Old 08-02-2004, 09:22 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by cass
fuck the fucking fuckers


The Vagina Song

Some of them are hairy
Some of them are bald
Some are kinda scary
And this is what they're called
Vagina, vagina
Vagina, vagina

They call that thing
Vagina

Some belong to virgins
They're really tight and strong
But bigger or small
I love them all
That's why I sing my song

Vagina, Vagina
Vagina, Vagina

They call that thing
Vagina


Well... I guess that was it.. hehe...

Niiiiii!!!!!!!!!

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Old 08-02-2004, 10:38 PM   #12
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ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?
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Old 08-02-2004, 10:41 PM   #13
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I just remembered....

I went to see Eric Idle last December. He was touring with his 'Greedy Basterd Tour'. I was standing in line to buy a t-shirt when all of a sudden the guy, standing right behind, started singing in a soft voice 'sit on my face and tell me that you love me'.

I did not turn around
I did not turn around
I did not turn around
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Old 08-02-2004, 11:22 PM   #14
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LOL @ FAH!!! You are nuts!! I would not have turned around either! ha=lol that's too funny! I love Monty Python!!! Only one I have seen Is the Holy Grail! And the TV show!! My fave: 'I don't Like Spam!"
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Old 08-03-2004, 12:36 PM   #15
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I would turn around and sing the rest of the song!
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Old 08-03-2004, 12:58 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally posted by aine_hewson
I would turn around and sing the rest of the song!
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:14 PM   #17
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SCENE 2



[thud]
[clang]
CART MASTER:
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:
Here's one.
CART MASTER:
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
What?
CUSTOMER:
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!
CART MASTER:
He isn't?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can't.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
CART MASTER:
I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:
Why?
CART MASTER:
He hasn't got shit all over him.
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:32 PM   #18
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There are some who call me..............................Tim.

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Old 08-04-2004, 01:46 AM   #19
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Scene 3 |

|___________|



[thud]

[King Arthur music]

[thud thud thud]

[King Arthur music stops]

ARTHUR: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: I-- what?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you

looked--

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR: Well, I am king!

DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting

the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going

to be any progress with the--

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's

castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

ARTHUR: The Britons.

WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous

collective.

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-

perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN: No one live there.

ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR: What?

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in

turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR: Yes.

DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special

bi-weekly meeting--

ARTHUR: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

ARTHUR: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...

[angels sing]

...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from

the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was

to carry Excalibur.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis

for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate

from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just

'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help!

I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?

That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,

didn't you?
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Old 08-04-2004, 03:30 PM   #20
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