The Monty Python Movies Thread

[kellyahern]

Scene 5


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'Burn the witch!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
CROWD:
A witch! A witch!
[bonk]
A witch! A witch!
MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine...
CROWD:
A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1:
We have found a witch. May we burn her?
CROWD:
Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
BEDEVERE:
How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2:
She looks like one.
CROWD:
Right! Yeah! Yeah!
BEDEVERE:
Bring her forward.
WITCH:
I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE:
Uh, but you are dressed as one.

 

[kellyahern]

WITCH:
They dressed me up like this.
CROWD:
Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
WITCH:
And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
BEDEVERE:
Well?
VILLAGER #1:
Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE:
The nose?
VILLAGER #1:
And the hat, but she is a witch!
VILLAGER #2:
Yeah!
CROWD:
We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
BEDEVERE:
Did you dress her up like this?
VILLAGER #1:
No!
VILLAGER #2 and 3:
No. No.
VILLAGER #2:
No.
VILLAGER #1:
No.
VILLAGERS #2 and #3:
No.
VILLAGER #1:
Yes.
VILLAGER #2:
Yes.
VILLAGER #1:
Yes. Yeah, a bit.
VILLAGER #3:
A bit.
VILLAGERS #1 and #2:
A bit.
VILLAGER #3:
A bit.
VILLAGER #1:
She has got a wart.
RANDOM:
[cough]
BEDEVERE:
What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3:
Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE:
A newt?
VILLAGER #3:
I got better.
VILLAGER #2:
Burn her anyway!
VILLAGER #1:
Burn!
CROWD:
Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
BEDEVERE:
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
VILLAGER #1:
Are there?
VILLAGER #2:
Ah?
VILLAGER #1:
What are they?
CROWD:
Tell us! Tell us!...
BEDEVERE:
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2:
Burn!
VILLAGER #1:
Burn!
CROWD:
Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
BEDEVERE:
And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1:
More witches!
VILLAGER #3:
Shh!
VILLAGER #2:
Wood!
BEDEVERE:
So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3:
B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?

 

[kellyahern]

BEDEVERE:
Good! Heh heh.
CROWD:
Oh, yeah. Oh.
BEDEVERE:
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1:
Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE:
Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #1:
Oh, yeah.
RANDOM:
Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
BEDEVERE:
Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1:
No. No.
VILLAGER #2:
No, it floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1:
Throw her into the pond!
CROWD:
The pond! Throw her into the pond!
BEDEVERE:
What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1:
Bread!
VILLAGER #2:
Apples!
VILLAGER #3:
Uh, very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1:
Cider!
VILLAGER #2:
Uh, gra-- gravy!
VILLAGER #1:
Cherries!
VILLAGER #2:
Mud!
VILLAGER #3:
Uh, churches! Churches!
VILLAGER #2:
Lead! Lead!
ARTHUR:
A duck!
CROWD:
Oooh.
BEDEVERE:
Exactly. So, logically...
VILLAGER #1:
If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE:
And therefore?
VILLAGER #2:
A witch!
VILLAGER #1:
A witch!
CROWD:
A witch! A witch!...
VILLAGER #4:
Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
BEDEVERE:
Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

 

[kellyahern]

CROWD:
Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
BEDEVERE:
Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]
CROWD:
A witch! A witch! A witch!
WITCH:
It's a fair cop.
VILLAGER #3:
Burn her!
CROWD:
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...
BEDEVERE:
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR:
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE:
My liege!
ARTHUR:
Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE:
My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR:
What is your name?
BEDEVERE:
'Bedevere', my liege.
ARTHUR:
Then I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table'

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!





I do enjoy Monty Python, particularly all the songs, and definitely all the episodes of Flying Circus. I liked the Philosopher's football match

 

[fah]

Scene 6

BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be
banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again
how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let
us ride... to Camelot.
[singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we [something]
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a bit too loud in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
a silly place.

 

[fah]

Scene 7


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'A blessing from the Lord!'

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[clop clop clop]
[boom boom]
[angels sing]
GOD:
Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons!

Oh, don't grovel!
[singing stops]
One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR:
Sorry.
[boom]
GOD:
And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.
[boom]
What are you doing now?!
ARTHUR:
I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.

GOD:
Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
ARTHUR:
Yes, Lord.
GOD:
Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR:
Good idea, O Lord!
GOD:
'Course it's a good idea! Behold!
[angels sing]
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur: the quest for the Holy Grail.
[boom]
[singing stops]
LAUNCELOT:
A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD:
God be praised!

 

[joaoricardo]

yeah monthy python were thes best by far but it seems you didn't see the life of brian but you should, there biggest moment.

 

[maro_chik]

One of my favorite scenes...

Scene 8
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
Arthur
Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
French Guard
Allo! Who is eet?
Arthur
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
French Guard
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
Arthur
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Guard
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
Arthur
What?
Galahad
He says they've already got one!
Arthur
Are you sure he's got one?
French Guard
Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I tOld him we already got one.)
French Guards
[chuckling]

 

[fah]

 

[verte76]

I admit that "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the only MP movie I've ever seen. I absolutely love it, though. It's perhaps the best-crafted movie I've ever seen. A true work of genius. Wow!

 

[sallycinnamon78]

I started a thread on the Galaxy Song (illustrated too, Gilliam would have approved). Does anyone care? No, of course they don't. Had I known this I would have hijacked your thread and posted it here....

hmmm... *thinks - which takes a while*... you mind if....? I've changed some of the pics so it doesn't repeat too much.

Apologies in advance to Monty Python, but it's waaaay past time that the Galaxy Song had a makeover. Here's my offering.

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,

That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm,


at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.



Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.



It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

 

[sallycinnamon78]

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,

AND PRAY THAT THERE'S INTELLIGENT LIFE SOMEWHERE OUT IN SPACE,

BECAUSE THERE'S BUGGER ALL DOWN HERE ON EARTH.

 

[BlackElectric]

Has anyone ever seen Spamalot? The play based on Monty Python. I heard it was really good.

 

[uwwedoogie]

shouldnt this be in Zoo Station?

 

[Aardvark747]

One of my favorite scenes...

Scene 8
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
Arthur
Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
French Guard
Allo! Who is eet?
Arthur
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
French Guard
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
Arthur
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Guard
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
Arthur
What?
Galahad
He says they've already got one!
Arthur
Are you sure he's got one?
French Guard
Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I tOld him we already got one.)
French Guards
[chuckling]

"Go and boil ur bottoms, sons of a silly person"

 

[sallycinnamon78]

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowls unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burnt off
And his pen--

"That's... that's enough music for now lads, *** there's dirty work afoot*** ???."

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
("No!")
Bravely ran away away.
("I didn't!")
When danger reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
("I never!")
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
("You're lying!")
****Bravely**** taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Robin!
ave, Sir Robin