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Old 08-03-2004, 12:58 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally posted by aine_hewson
I would turn around and sing the rest of the song!
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:14 PM   #17
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SCENE 2



[thud]
[clang]
CART MASTER:
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:
Here's one.
CART MASTER:
Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
What?
CUSTOMER:
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not dead!
CART MASTER:
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm not!
CART MASTER:
He isn't?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can't.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:
Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER:
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
CART MASTER:
I dunno. Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:
Why?
CART MASTER:
He hasn't got shit all over him.
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:32 PM   #18
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There are some who call me..............................Tim.

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Old 08-04-2004, 01:46 AM   #19
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Scene 3 |

|___________|



[thud]

[King Arthur music]

[thud thud thud]

[King Arthur music stops]

ARTHUR: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: I-- what?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you

looked--

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

ARTHUR: Well, I am king!

DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting

the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going

to be any progress with the--

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's

castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

ARTHUR: The Britons.

WOMAN: Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous

collective.

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-

perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN: No one live there.

ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR: What?

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in

turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR: Yes.

DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special

bi-weekly meeting--

ARTHUR: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

ARTHUR: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...

[angels sing]

...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from

the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was

to carry Excalibur.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis

for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate

from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just

'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help!

I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?

That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,

didn't you?
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Old 08-04-2004, 03:30 PM   #20
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We demand a shrubbery!
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Old 08-04-2004, 04:31 PM   #21
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Ni!
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Old 08-04-2004, 04:36 PM   #22
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stooooop! I can't breath anymore!!!!!! oh geesh.. I need air!!!!
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Old 08-04-2004, 06:50 PM   #23
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Scene 4

[King Arthur music]

[music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!

[King Arthur music]

[music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aaagh!

GREEN KNIGHT: Ooh!

[King Arthur music]

[music stops]

[stab]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aagh!

GREEN KNIGHT: Oh!

[King Arthur music]

Ooh!

[music stops]

BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!

[clang]

BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT: Agh!, oh!, etc.

GREEN KNIGHT: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!

[woosh]

[BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]

[thud]

[scrape]

BLACK KNIGHT: Umm!

[clop clop clop]

ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

[pause]

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

[pause]

I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my

court at Camelot.

[pause]

You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

[pause]

You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this

bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

ARTHUR: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

ARTHUR: So be it!

ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]

ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

ARTHUR: You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy!

[clang]

Huyah!

[clang]

Hiyaah!

[clang]

Aaaaaaaah!

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]

ARTHUR: Victory is mine!

[kneeling]

We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--

BLACK KNIGHT: Hah!

[clunk]

Come on then.

ARTHUR: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!

[kick]

ARTHUR: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?

ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.

ARTHUR: Look!

BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.

[kick]

ARTHUR: Look, stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken!

[kick]

Chickennn!

ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg.

[kick]

Right!

[whop]

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: Right. I'll do you for that!

ARTHUR: You'll what?

BLACK KNIGHT: Come here!

ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!

ARTHUR: You're a looney.

BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.

[whop]

[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come

back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!


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Old 08-04-2004, 07:14 PM   #24
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the black knight sketch should have won then 26 Oscars really
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Old 08-04-2004, 07:16 PM   #25
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Care to have an argument?
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Old 08-04-2004, 09:34 PM   #26
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My favorite skit is "Mary, Queen of Scots:
"I think she's dead!"
"No I'm Not!!!"
and "the penguin on the telly"
"I think that penguin on top of your telly is going to explode!"

I loved watching the Flying Circus.
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Old 08-05-2004, 11:04 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally posted by fah
Care to have an argument?
"If I argue with you, I must take up a contary position"
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Old 08-05-2004, 11:14 AM   #28
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I've bought "The Life of Brian" DVD recently, couldn't wait to have it
And yes, "Fawlty Towers" carries so much MP spirit, there's much chance it'll win "The Battle of Britcoms" on BBC Prime. And how about "Jabberwocky"? That was the first Monty Python-ish film I'd ever seen, and it's still one of my favourite movies ever.
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Old 08-05-2004, 11:23 AM   #29
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Jabberwocky's cool. Not so much Python, more just Gilliam experimenting with weird films!
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Old 08-05-2004, 12:36 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally posted by Aardvark747


"If I argue with you, I must take up a contary position"
No you don't
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