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Old 03-28-2003, 05:13 PM   #1
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So what would you do if you had a time machine?

Well this guy had a pretty good idea, but just got a little too greedy.

Link

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003


By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.



Hmm, I wonder how much 350 million would be worth in the year 2256?
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Old 03-28-2003, 05:20 PM   #2
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I would:
go to a U2 concert on every tour and various other U2-ey stuff...
check me out some dinosaurs
go see jesus
go see some egyptians
go see some wooly mammoths and neandertals and homo erectus and all them
go leave myself notes saying to start my double major BEFORE today so I don't get in the mess I'm in right now, saying that philosophy is BAD, and take regular people statistics

come back and publish my groundbreaking findings on early man after I get my anthropology degree, effectively making millions

that's all I can think of.
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Old 03-28-2003, 05:47 PM   #3
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Are those stuffed animals fornicating in your avatar?

Anyway, weekly world news.... I love to read that for pure entertainment....
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Old 03-28-2003, 06:01 PM   #4
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i would go back in time to 1985 and continue my friendship with someone i loved. we would have eventually been together when i was old enough. did he have the same feelings for me? i was told he did.
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Old 03-28-2003, 06:47 PM   #5
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Go join "The Hype"
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Old 03-28-2003, 06:52 PM   #6
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hahaahahahahaahahahaahaha

"Weekly World News" is a supermarket tabloid. This is the same tabloid that claimed to have the "bat child."





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Old 03-28-2003, 07:08 PM   #7
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Quote:
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This is the same tabloid that claimed to have the "bat child."
"claims"?

how dare you doubt the journalistic integrity of my favorite publication???!!

hehe
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Old 03-28-2003, 08:58 PM   #8
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i have a time machine

it was written by h.g. wells
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Old 03-28-2003, 09:03 PM   #9
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I would go back in time to the day my friend carrie asked me to be in a band with her. I passed then bc I didnt know how to sing or play a guitar but now I do I wish I could be in a band with her now......its to late tho!!
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Old 03-28-2003, 09:26 PM   #10
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i wouldn't go back in time. no way my past sucks.

i'd go forward in time...exactly eight years.
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Old 03-28-2003, 09:35 PM   #11
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i would go back to Aug 1993 and redo all of my goals for college and find a new career that would be 100% more enjoyable than pension plans
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Old 03-28-2003, 11:24 PM   #12
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I wouldn't sign up for this damned forum, it's taking up a lot of my time but bloody hell, is it addictive!
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Old 03-29-2003, 01:38 AM   #13
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I would go back in time about 10 years... with the knowledge of current popstars, I would pose as a record executive and head them off at the pass... thereby not allowing certain bands or acts (*****) to ever survive or exist in the first place... mwhahahaha....
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Old 03-29-2003, 02:29 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by cujo
I would go back in time about 10 years... with the knowledge of current popstars, I would pose as a record executive and head them off at the pass... thereby not allowing certain bands or acts (*****) to ever survive or exist in the first place... mwhahahaha....

that's a gret idea cujo you amaze me sometimes
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Old 03-29-2003, 02:50 AM   #15
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I would try to stop the big bang,...
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