Liesje
Blue Crack Addict
I found this looking for Calvinist jokes. It was actually a kind of helpful summary of some of these religious sects.
Shit Happens....
* Agnosticism: You can't prove any of this shit happens.
* Anglicanism:
o It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
o Shit happens. God save the Queen.
* Bahá'í Faith: Shit happens universally.
* Calvinism: Shit won't happen if you work harder, and you are shit.
* Capitalism: Shit happens to have a fair market value.
* Communism: Shit that happens is common and for all.
* Catholicism:
o Shit happens but as long as you repent, it's OK.
o Shit happens if you wear condoms.
* Charismatic Catholicism:
o Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
o Medieval version — If you say shit is happening, you'll burn at the stake.
* Church of Scientology:
o If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
o If shit happens, it's your fault.
* Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
* Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
* Discordianism: FLYING BABY SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!
* Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
* Existentialism:
o Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
o Shit happening is absurd.
* Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
* Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
* Greek Orthodox Church: Shit happens, usually in threes.
* Hare Krishna:
o Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
o Shit Happens, Happens Happens Shit Shit.
* Islamic Fundamentalists: If shit happens, it's a Zionist-Crusader plot!
* Jehovah's Witnesses:
o Knock! Knock! "Shit happens!".
o May we tell you why "Shit happens?"
* Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
* Lutheranism: Have faith that shit will happen.
* Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
* New Age: Visualize shit happening...
* Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen.
* Protestantism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
* Purist: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
* Quakers: Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.
* Seventh Day Adventists: Shit happens on Saturdays.
* Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
* Surrealism: Fish.
* Taoism: Shit happens.
* Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
* Unification Church: Only happy shit really happens.
* Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
* Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
* Wikism: Shit can be left in a public place for others to improve on.
* Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen.
* Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
* Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Shit Happens....
* Agnosticism: You can't prove any of this shit happens.
* Anglicanism:
o It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
o Shit happens. God save the Queen.
* Bahá'í Faith: Shit happens universally.
* Calvinism: Shit won't happen if you work harder, and you are shit.
* Capitalism: Shit happens to have a fair market value.
* Communism: Shit that happens is common and for all.
* Catholicism:
o Shit happens but as long as you repent, it's OK.
o Shit happens if you wear condoms.
* Charismatic Catholicism:
o Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
o Medieval version — If you say shit is happening, you'll burn at the stake.
* Church of Scientology:
o If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
o If shit happens, it's your fault.
* Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
* Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
* Discordianism: FLYING BABY SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!
* Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
* Existentialism:
o Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
o Shit happening is absurd.
* Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
* Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
* Greek Orthodox Church: Shit happens, usually in threes.
* Hare Krishna:
o Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
o Shit Happens, Happens Happens Shit Shit.
* Islamic Fundamentalists: If shit happens, it's a Zionist-Crusader plot!
* Jehovah's Witnesses:
o Knock! Knock! "Shit happens!".
o May we tell you why "Shit happens?"
* Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
* Lutheranism: Have faith that shit will happen.
* Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
* New Age: Visualize shit happening...
* Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen.
* Protestantism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
* Purist: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
* Quakers: Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.
* Seventh Day Adventists: Shit happens on Saturdays.
* Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
* Surrealism: Fish.
* Taoism: Shit happens.
* Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
* Unification Church: Only happy shit really happens.
* Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
* Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
* Wikism: Shit can be left in a public place for others to improve on.
* Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen.
* Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
* Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
