Some classic one-liners:
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.