RIP Mitch Hedberg
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Comedian Mitch Hedberg dead at 37
BY MATT PEIKEN
Pioneer Press
Even family and close friends had a hard time understanding Mitch Hedberg, a St. Paul native who ran away from home and, despite living a scattershot life, became a runaway success as a standup comic.
Hedberg, whose space-case persona was as much part of his soul as it was his act, died early Wednesday morning in a New Jersey hotel room. He was 37. A medical examiner hasn't issued findings, but Hedberg's family is told he suffered a heart attack. His wife was with him.
After graduating St. Paul's Harding High School, Hedberg rose through the ranks at Minneapolis' Acme Comedy Co., and caught his big break through a Comedy Central special. He made several appearances on David Letterman's and Conan O'Brien's shows, made more Comedy Central appearances and produced two comedy CDs. His big dream, to have an HBO comedy special, was in the works.
Hedberg's one-liners, dished off in a spacy staccato, were based on absurdist, random observations. His long, dirty blond hair harkened to the image of a 1970s stoner, and his success occurred in light of, in spite of and even because of his quarter-century affair with drugs and alcohol.
"I'd probably be living in Costa Rica, eating oranges on the beach, if I wasn't doing comedy," he told the Pioneer Press last September.
"There's no two ways about — having a son in entertainment industry is challenging," his mother, Mary Hedberg, said Thursday.
She recalls being at work when her oldest daughter called in a panic to tell her Mitch had packed some brown paper bags and left home. Mary Hedberg couldn't get home in time to either see him off or talk him out of it.
"That was heartbreaking for us, but he kept in contact with us. He called as soon as the car broke down," she said. "You know, it was like putting him through college, even though he wasn't at college. But when he got his first break, we were just so thrilled for him, because we wanted him to know he was O.K., and to have that self-confidence that he could do what he wanted to do."
Louis Lee, owner of the Acme, said Hedberg not only became the Twin Cities' first breakout comedian of the 1990s but, along with Lewis Black, helped shape a national resurgence in standup comedy.
"It's very difficult for one-liner comedians to get an audience going, but when Mitch worked here, you could see the kids call out the punchline," Lee said. "Mitch made the whole comedy community realize how important good writing is. It's a huge loss."
Unlike many comics, Hedberg was demonstrably thankful to his fans. Not long ago, a group of college students in Florida, speaking with Hedberg backstage after a show, mentioned how hot their dorm room was. Hedberg surprised them the next morning by showing up to their dorm with a new air conditioner.
"Mitch presented a lot of challenges, but a lot of opportunities for traveling that we wouldn't have otherwise had, and he had a heart of gold," his mother said. "He was a brilliant comic and a wonderful person."
Dates haven't been set, but eventual visitation and services will be at Wulff Family Services, Woodlane Mortuary, in Woodbury.
~~~
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
"Alocholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."
"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that Iwas unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers the'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That'sa double whammy! We need help! Bush search aparty of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."
"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
BY MATT PEIKEN
Pioneer Press
Even family and close friends had a hard time understanding Mitch Hedberg, a St. Paul native who ran away from home and, despite living a scattershot life, became a runaway success as a standup comic.
Hedberg, whose space-case persona was as much part of his soul as it was his act, died early Wednesday morning in a New Jersey hotel room. He was 37. A medical examiner hasn't issued findings, but Hedberg's family is told he suffered a heart attack. His wife was with him.
After graduating St. Paul's Harding High School, Hedberg rose through the ranks at Minneapolis' Acme Comedy Co., and caught his big break through a Comedy Central special. He made several appearances on David Letterman's and Conan O'Brien's shows, made more Comedy Central appearances and produced two comedy CDs. His big dream, to have an HBO comedy special, was in the works.
Hedberg's one-liners, dished off in a spacy staccato, were based on absurdist, random observations. His long, dirty blond hair harkened to the image of a 1970s stoner, and his success occurred in light of, in spite of and even because of his quarter-century affair with drugs and alcohol.
"I'd probably be living in Costa Rica, eating oranges on the beach, if I wasn't doing comedy," he told the Pioneer Press last September.
"There's no two ways about — having a son in entertainment industry is challenging," his mother, Mary Hedberg, said Thursday.
She recalls being at work when her oldest daughter called in a panic to tell her Mitch had packed some brown paper bags and left home. Mary Hedberg couldn't get home in time to either see him off or talk him out of it.
"That was heartbreaking for us, but he kept in contact with us. He called as soon as the car broke down," she said. "You know, it was like putting him through college, even though he wasn't at college. But when he got his first break, we were just so thrilled for him, because we wanted him to know he was O.K., and to have that self-confidence that he could do what he wanted to do."
Louis Lee, owner of the Acme, said Hedberg not only became the Twin Cities' first breakout comedian of the 1990s but, along with Lewis Black, helped shape a national resurgence in standup comedy.
"It's very difficult for one-liner comedians to get an audience going, but when Mitch worked here, you could see the kids call out the punchline," Lee said. "Mitch made the whole comedy community realize how important good writing is. It's a huge loss."
Unlike many comics, Hedberg was demonstrably thankful to his fans. Not long ago, a group of college students in Florida, speaking with Hedberg backstage after a show, mentioned how hot their dorm room was. Hedberg surprised them the next morning by showing up to their dorm with a new air conditioner.
"Mitch presented a lot of challenges, but a lot of opportunities for traveling that we wouldn't have otherwise had, and he had a heart of gold," his mother said. "He was a brilliant comic and a wonderful person."
Dates haven't been set, but eventual visitation and services will be at Wulff Family Services, Woodlane Mortuary, in Woodbury.
~~~
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
"Alocholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."
"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that Iwas unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers the'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That'sa double whammy! We need help! Bush search aparty of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."
"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
Flying FuManchu
New Yorker
Yes... its shocking and sucks. Even though it would be a crass joke I'm still holding out on the April Fools rumor.
beegee
Neon Zebra
i've never heard of him, but some of those quotes are great
especially the cell phone one.
RIP
especially the cell phone one.
RIP
Queen Bee
Blue Crack Addict
I heard about this earlier today. 
LarryMullen's POPAngel
Blue Crack Distributor
Oh, wow... I was a fan.
R.I.P.
R.I.P.
lazarus
Blue Crack Supplier
why do some of our best comedians die so young and tragically? Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, and now this.
I guess they really need the laughs up there.
I guess they really need the laughs up there.
typhoon
New Yorker
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2002
- Messages
- 3,021
That sucks.
tiny dancer
Blue Crack Distributor
RIP
"i haven't slept for 10 days 'cause that would be too long"
"my apartment is infested with koala bears. it's the cutest infestaton ever. way better then cockroaches."
"my friend asked me if i wanted a frozen banana, and i said no. but i wanted a regular banana later, so... yea"
"you should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, 'cause maybe they got shot in the face with a BB gun"
"i think big foot is blurry, that's the problem. it's not the photographer's fault, big foot is blurry. and that's extra scary to me, 'cause there's a large out of focus monster roaming the country side. run! he's fuzzy!"
"it's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, 'cause what if they don't have a hand? then they just think you're being cocky. hey, look what i got fucker!
"
"if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
PS- this is what the alphabet would look like if Q & R were eliminated
"my apartment is infested with koala bears. it's the cutest infestaton ever. way better then cockroaches."
"my friend asked me if i wanted a frozen banana, and i said no. but i wanted a regular banana later, so... yea"
"you should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, 'cause maybe they got shot in the face with a BB gun"
"i think big foot is blurry, that's the problem. it's not the photographer's fault, big foot is blurry. and that's extra scary to me, 'cause there's a large out of focus monster roaming the country side. run! he's fuzzy!"
"it's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, 'cause what if they don't have a hand? then they just think you're being cocky. hey, look what i got fucker!
""if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
PS- this is what the alphabet would look like if Q & R were eliminated
Nate Dogg
Refugee
funny shit.
That's too bad about him...
That's too bad about him...
I found a great site with lots of hilarious stuff. 
~~~
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost it's flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and had to slam the flap.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out, man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad, you know how I like mine."
I hate flossing. I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
~~~
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost it's flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and had to slam the flap.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out, man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad, you know how I like mine."
I hate flossing. I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Numb1075
ONE love, blood, life
I saw him on Comedy Central a bunch of times. He was one funny dude. Very original delivery.
Flying FuManchu
New Yorker
His delivery of the jokes were great.
Got Philk?
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
I just saw him on Comedy Central for the first time tonight. Hilarious! Really too bad...
fah
Blue Crack Addict
That's very sad...he made me laugh out loud
shrmn8rpoptart
War Child
bonochick-thank you for those, some of the funniest stuff i've ever heard from a very funny man
here's my contribution:
i think pizza hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because pizza hut will accept all competitors coupons. that makes me wish i had my own pizza place. mitch's pizza-this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. special note: coupon not good at any of the mitch's pizza locations. free pizza oven with purchase. of a small coke.
i had an aids test four times. an aids test is very scary to get. it doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. that's why i don't get the regular aids test anymore, i get the roundabout aids test. i call my friend brian and i say, "brian, do you know anybody who has aids?" "no." "cool, cos you know me."
i was on a bus, and it was the middle of the night, and i had a box of crackers and a can of easy cheeze, but it was the middle of the night, so i could not see. i could not see how much easy cheeze i was applying to each cracker. so each bite into the cracker was a surprise to see how much easy cheeze i had applied. which makes me believe they should have a glow in the dark version of easy cheeze. it's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. if you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
here's my contribution:
i think pizza hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because pizza hut will accept all competitors coupons. that makes me wish i had my own pizza place. mitch's pizza-this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. special note: coupon not good at any of the mitch's pizza locations. free pizza oven with purchase. of a small coke.
i had an aids test four times. an aids test is very scary to get. it doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. that's why i don't get the regular aids test anymore, i get the roundabout aids test. i call my friend brian and i say, "brian, do you know anybody who has aids?" "no." "cool, cos you know me."
i was on a bus, and it was the middle of the night, and i had a box of crackers and a can of easy cheeze, but it was the middle of the night, so i could not see. i could not see how much easy cheeze i was applying to each cracker. so each bite into the cracker was a surprise to see how much easy cheeze i had applied. which makes me believe they should have a glow in the dark version of easy cheeze. it's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. if you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
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