Across The Universe
This will be a long review, and I'm sure a few here will not take kindly to it, but what the hell.
Coming into this film, I was not expecting much at all. It sounded like a movie with a thin plot (if any at all) propelled by music. And that's pretty much all it is, unfortunately. The worst part is that not even the music can hold up its end of the bargain at times.
So...the plot. Well, an hour in, I still had no fucking clue what I was watching. All I could guess was that it was a lame retread of the classic 60's tale (ZOMG VIETNAM SUCKS LET'S TAKE DRUGS), held together by a general, vague attempt at a love story that never really hits you at any point during the film. Thankfully, things calmed down a bit in the last 45 minutes, and there were some moments that were bearable amidst the pretentious tripe and painful cheesiness. The loose ends were mostly tied together OK, and it had a happy ending...if you like that sort of thing in films.
But it's still pretentious tripe. For every moment of genuine connection between the characters, there there are two scenes that are just used to show how "brilliant" Julie Taymor is at cramming as many colors and effects onto the screen as possible. Shots of people swimming nude in the water, weird scenes where the background disappears for no apparent reason, and color. Lots of color. They all say the same thing: absolutely nothing.
As for the dialogue, there isn't much to say. The plot was predictable and lazy, and so is the writing. There is little to no humor, and very little drama. And the drama that is there is embarrassing. You just sit there thinking to yourself, "damn, I could've written this on the can". And don't even bother getting your hopes up over actual character interaction; the characters are lazily-written cardboard cutouts that end up being 60's stereotypes and not much more. Some of them are just douchebags. Their names?
Jude (British douchebag)
Lucy (female douchebag)
Jojo (bad Jimi Hendrix rip-off)
Sadie (bad Janis Joplin rip-off)
Max (regular douchebag who gets sent to Vietnam)
Prudence (one of the most pointless characters of all time)
This leads me to another point: PUNS ARE BAD WRITING. This is basic, and you can learn it at any writers workshop. Puns are lazy, generally not that funny, and render this film nearly unwatchable for a Beatles fan. Example:
"Where did you come from?"
"She came in through the bathroom window."
LOLOLOLOLOLOLZOLOZZLZLOZO
I should have counted the facepalms and eyerolls I did during the course of the movie, but I think I would have broken my calculator.
So the effects that were originally supposed to anchor this film were disappointing and added little. What about the music? Well, it's the Beatles, sure, and that's all fine and dandy, but these are covers we're talking about, which means that a good chunk of them are awful. For every fantastic cover like Strawberry Fields Forever, there are embarrassing efforts like Sadie's sad attempt to rock out to Helter Skelter or a spoken word version of Mr. Kite that made me want to hurt somebody. And the timing of many of these covers are absolutely atrocious. It Won't Be Long being sung IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS is a good example. The teacher doesn't even notice until she hits a really high note. It made me think:
"lalalalalala HEY! WTF, man? This is a classroom! You can sing loudly, but not THAT loudly!"
And why oh why must they lip-synch to
everything? There are no places to breathe and just let the songs speak for themselves. No, they have to have the main characters act it out and ruin the pacing of the film. I dreaded every moment that I started to hear music, and I'm one of the biggest Beatles fans you could ever meet.
In conclusion...
- Decent effects that merely pad the film
- Weak plot
- Mediocre acting
- Uninspired dialogue
- Music was a mixed bag
GFY, Across The Universe. I want those two hours of my life back.
3/10
