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Old 10-26-2001, 01:23 PM   #1
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Really LOOOOONG Jokes.

Okay, most of us here probably know one or two (or twenty or thirty) horribly long jokes.

Post them.

Post them now!

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- Achtung Bubba

I believe in truth, beauty, freedom, and -- above all things -- love.
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Old 10-26-2001, 01:27 PM   #2
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*see all of dB9's threads*

Sorry, couldn't resist that one
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Old 10-26-2001, 01:37 PM   #3
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Cute.
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Old 10-26-2001, 02:25 PM   #4
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Once upon a time there was a good and popular king who ruled an entire island with wisdom and benevolence. He married a kind, beautiful princess in a huge service in which he declared the day a holiday and invited all his subjects to attend the wedding and the wedding banquet.

Later, the kind, beautiful queen gave birth to two sons -- on the same day. It was an unprecedented event, the heir to the throne being born mere moments before his younger brother, and the king in his wisdom decided to take advantage of the unique situation.

The way His Majesty reasoned, his first son could be a "bad egg", and it would be terrible if the other twin was actually better suited to become king and was denied the crown because of not being the "first out".

So, the king told the chief doctor to make two documents, each one verifying that a different twin was the oldest, and therefore the heir to the throne. The king hid those documents in the chest in his bedroom and locked the chest with a key hidden behind the fireplace. He decided that once he knew which son would make the best king, he would take his "certificate of first birth" and destroy the other scroll. His will would already have instructions on the chest and its key, and upon his death, everyone would discover who was the heir. Until then, the secret of "who was born first" would remain a mystery to everyone, including his sons.

As the king grew old and the princes grew up, he realized that his plan was flawed; he assumed that at least one of his sons would grow up to be wise and good. Instead, both sons grew up to be cowardly, self-centered weasels. They started to organize their own groups of knights in the chance that the other son would claim the crown. They were so cold that each planned to kill his own brother and they were so cowardly that they were both unwilling to do the dirty deed themselves.

The king, seeing all this, decided that neither of them should be crowned king after his death. So, as his life waned, he decided he would make a younger daughter, a good and kind woman, the heir to the throne. He burned both documents that said which son was born first and told his plans to his ministers and the princess. He then called for his subjects to meet outside his castle for the announcement of his heir.

Unfortunately, the king was so excited about this decision that would so benefit his kingdom that, on the day of his announcement, he walked a little too quickly up the stairs to his balcony. He took one misstep, slipped, broke his neck, and killed himself instantly on the stone staircase.

The king was dead.

The two sons immediately called for the king's scribe to find and read his will. The scribe did, and the two rushed to the chest to find who was born first. They found its key hidden behind the fireplace, opened the chest, and found nothing.

While the two pinces were staring at the empty chest, the princess and the king's advisors entered the chambers. She announced that the king had named her the heir to the throne, and the advisors confirmed her story.

Both wicked sons were shocked, and they refused to believe that the crown was passed over them to their younger sister. One of the sons said that the king's will never mentioned his daughter, which was true enough since he had died before he could change it. He said that it was clear he or his brother would rule the kingdom, and he said he had an army of knights he would use to fight anyone who stood between him and his rightful place as king.

The second brother said he would accept that challenge, since he too had a few knights on his side. Right then and there, the brothers decided that their knights would meet and do battle; the brother whose knights lost would personally place the crown on the victorious prince.

The sister, with nothing left to do, asked if she could join the battle with her army of knights -- an army she didn't have. She was bluffing, the brothers knew it, and they accepted her request, saying that they would crown her and even leave the island kingdom if her army won.

The three agreed, and they decided that the armies would meet in the middle of the forest in the middle of the kingdom -- and the princes insisted that the battle start at daybreak of the next day, so their sister couldn't organize a large army of her own. The princess had no choice but to agree, and
the three left the castle, the two sons to rally their knights, the daughter to try to organize an army of her own.

The first son found his ten knights and told them his plans. Unfortunately for him, they were all as cowardly as he was, and they were only prepared to assassinate the other brother, not to fight another army of knights. So, the knights sent their twenty squires to the middle of the forest in the middle of the kingdom to fight for them.

The second son found his twelve knights to be just as cowardly, and they sent their twenty-four knights to fight in the middle of the forest in the middle of the kingdom.

The daughter had no trouble finding good knights that had joined neither son's side, knights who were brave and honorable. But, since they had not heard the king's announcement, almost all the knights refused to believe that the king could or would name a woman to be his heir. They said they would gladly serve her, if her army won the battle; but they refused to fight the battle for her.

The only knight who believed her was the son of the king's chief advisor. His father confirmed the princess's story, and he offered his help. By then, he had heard that the other armies were nothing but squires, and he refused to tarnish his honor by fighting them. But, he said, his squire was smart, strong, brave, and honor-bound. He decided he would send his one squire to the middle of the forest in the middle of the kingdom to fight for the princess.

That squire finally made it to the forest late that night, mere hours before the start of the battle. He dismounted his steed and unloaded his special supplies: a black iron pot and a long length of rope. He tied a loop in the rope, attached the pot through the loop, and threw both into the tallest tree he could find.

That morning, the armies gathered: the twenty squires of the first son, the twenty-four squires of the second son, and the princess' one lone, brave squire. The battle was joined, and the forest was filled with the sounds of battle for most of the day. But as the sun began to set, the clang of iron against iron stopped, and the dust cleared. And the one lone squire was the last man standing...

...which shows that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Old 10-26-2001, 05:20 PM   #5
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lol that was soooo long and the ending, Oh dear!



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But you take what you can get
'Cause it's all that you can find
Oh, you know there's something more
But tonight, tonight, tonight



(.(*. .*).)
.. *Monica*..
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Old 10-26-2001, 08:15 PM   #6
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So, there was this guy who tended the gardens and did some custodial work for this monastery. Every day at noon, he'd see one of the monks ascend to this room at the top of this tower at the monastery. He was really curious to find out what was inside that room. So one day he asks one of the monks, "hey, what's in that room at the top of the tower?"

The monk says, "Oh, I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

The custodian says, "Well, I really want to see what's inside that room at the top of the tower. How do I become a monk?"

The monk says, "Well, did you graduate from college?"

The custodian says, "No, I never went to college."

The monk says, "Well, we think it's a good idea for all monks to have a broad education before they enter the monastery, so you have to have a college education before you join the monastery."

So the custodian gets a bunch of applications and begins the process of applying to some of the most prestigious colleges in the world. Unfortunately, he doesn't get into any of them, so he decides to go to Yale.

The first year, he takes the ordinary classes you might expect a freshman to take--a course on western civilization, introductory economics, psychology, intro biology, et cetera. Being a really sharp athlete, he inquires about tryouts for some of Yale's teams. After three running backs blow out their ACLs in a game against Harvard, he is added to the team. And he has a lot of fun his freshman year.

Over the summer, he's back working at the monastery to fulfill his financial aid deal. Once again he sees a monk ascend the tower. He asks the monk, "Hey, what's inside the room at the top of the tower?"

The monk replies, "Oh, I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

Dejected, the custodian goes back to trimming the bushes.

In his second year at school, the custodian decides he wants to be a physics major, so he starts taking classes in wave mechanics, quantum mechanics and so forth. The football team almost goes undefeated on the year, their only loss coming at the hands of Brown. Brown scores a touchdown as time expires to pull to within 28-27. Brown attempts the extra point to tie the game and send it into overtime, but the custodian blocks the extra point. The kicker picks up the loose ball and runs it in for two points, giving Brown an amazing 29-28 victory.

During the summer, the custodian goes back to the monastery, where once he sees a different monk ascend the tower. He asks the monk, "Hey, what's in that room at the top of the tower?"

The monk replies, "Oh, I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

Dejected, the custodian goes back to mowing the lawn.

During his third year at Yale, the custodian has to take the dreaded upper-level undergraduate physics lab. Like all such labs, the experiments are horrible, and he quickly grows disgusted with physics and considers switching majors. He discusses it with his faculty advisor, who warns him that it could hold him back a year, but he decides to switch to a major in music.

Back at the monastery during the summer, he sees another monk ascend the tower. When the monk gets down, he asks him, "What's inside the room at the top of the tower?"

The monk replies, "Oh, I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

His fourth year at Yale, the custodian has to start a new major, so he takes all the music theory classes he can and does pretty well. He learns quite a bit about Gregorian chants and other such things that would be useful in the monastery.

Back at the monastery again for the summer, he sees another monk ascend the tower. When the monk gets down, he asks him, "What's in the room at the top of the tower?"

The monk replies, "Oh, I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

Back in school for his fifth and final year, the custodian spends much of his time working on a final project for his major. While other seniors are busy flying all over the country interviewing for jobs and spots in medical, law and graduate school, he can rest easy knowing he's going back to the monastery when he graduates.

Finally, he graduates from Yale and moves back to the monastery to join as a monk. The head of the monastery tells him, "before you can be initiated as a monk, you have to undergo a year of training. During this year of training, you will learn to pray and to meditate on the Scriptures."

So the custodian spends much of the year with his fellow initiates, praying and meditating and chanting, and with his training he starts composing some new chants for the monastery.

One year passes, and he is initiated into the monastery in a grand ceremony. The custodian asks the head of the monastery, "Excuse me Father, but could you tell me what's in the room at the top of the monastery?"

The head monk says, "My son, why don't you go up there and find out for yourself?"

So the custodian, now a new monk, runs up the stairs to the room at the top of the tower, turns the knob and finds that it's locked.

He runs back down the stairs, finds the head of the monastery, and asks him, "How do I get inside that room? It's locked."

The head monk says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, it's locked. You need to have the key to get in."

So at the dining hall, the custodian asks around to find out who has the key, and eventually he finds it. He borrows the key, runs up the stairs to the room at the top of the tower, slips on a step, falls down the entire flight of stairs and suffers some nasty injuries.

Fortunately, some of his fellow monks found him lying unconscious at the base of the tower and immediately get him to a hospital. The doctors tell him that he's suffered some very serious head injuries, as well as a broken leg, and that he's going to be in the hospital for a while while the surgeons start inserting plates and screws inside his body. Furthermore, he's going to have to undergo a couple months of rehab before he's anywhere near ready to climb up a long flight of stairs.

Two months pass, and his leg finally feels well enough that he thinks he can climb the stairs. He grabs the key, starts climbing up the steps really carefully, one at a time. About 1000 steps later, he finally reaches the top of the tower, pulls out the key, unlocks the door, and walks inside.
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Old 10-26-2001, 09:47 PM   #7
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I'm tired of reading long posts and long threads... I'd lose interest very fast... to the point of snoring...

So please don't torture me...

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"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on." - Stairway to Heaven, Zoso: Led Zeppelin

[This message has been edited by theSoulfulMofo (edited 10-26-2001).]
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Old 10-27-2001, 12:18 AM   #8
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Simple solution:

Don't read the long threads. But please, allow us to continue.

On with the comedy!
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Old 10-27-2001, 12:22 AM   #9
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BTW, Speedracer... you didn't finish!

Arrgh!
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Old 10-27-2001, 01:14 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achtung Bubba:
BTW, Speedracer... you didn't finish!

Arrgh!
Oh, I can't tell you what's inside, you're not a monk.
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Old 10-27-2001, 04:58 AM   #11
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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