She called back and...
I have a new job! I start January 2! I will be making almost what I made at the Gap so I will actually be able to afford stuff again! I have a whole FIVE days of vacation time but that's okay; the other benefits balance it out. They have actual time off at the holidays, instead of extended and/or insane hours, so that's cool and not part of any working culture I've ever experience.
I will be an assistant underwriter for an insurance company that works with small fleet trucking companies.
Got to get over to Joe's and pick up my check and tell them the bad news. No more lifting heavy boxes at 3 am for me (after December 30)!