Post your favorite negative review...

[indra]

Post your favorite negative review...of a musician, band, or cd that you actually like.

Here's one from me. This one always makes me laugh.

NEW CONVERTS?
Still a Religion to Some, the Church Return
by Kathleen Wilson

The Church
w/Sea Ray

Mon March 22, Crocodile, 7 pm, $18.

It's ironic that the new record by Australian legends the Church is titled Forget Yourself. Because it seems they, of all bands, cannot follow that command. Since 1980 they've put out something like 18 albums and a few box sets. "Under the Milky Way," off 1988's Starfish, is probably their most memorable song, but many fans would agree that was their last great album. Before Starfish, however, came the gorgeous The Blurred Crusade, which featured the achingly pretty pop song "When You Were Mine."

Ultimately, the Church were atmospheric and neo-psychedelic in tone, making them favorites of even cult bands like Adorable. You can hear in their influences the Velvet Underground, the Blue Aeroplanes, Pink Floyd, and the Psychedelic Furs. And for some irritating reason, they're quite popular with the goths, and the all-encompassing insistence of ownership assumed by that faction always chaps my ass. But I digress.

The new Church album is slow as molasses and so very boring. Most of the songs are interchangeable, and if I had to pick a favorite, it would probably be the sentimental "I Kept Everything," or maybe "Lay Low." But if you're thinking Forget Yourself is the new soundtrack to some seductive sheet action, take the title as a warning. Maybe a 21-year-old would find it atmospheric, swirly, and sexy, but anyone who employs it at an older age is pretty desperate to get laid.

"Appalatia" [sic] is appalling, with lyrics like "Cloudy in my memory/like one long lonely candy/such a godly gift." What? The psychedelic bent gets a workout on "Nothing Seeker," which proclaims a commitment to bore the pants off one's significant other. At over seven minutes, "Summer" starts off soaring and full of ocean images, but the lyrics are punishing and dull, including some spoken word bullshit.

To be fair, the Church have lost many of their original members, including singer Steve Kilbey, guitarist Peter Koppes, and second guitarist Marty Wilson-Piper. But if you've ever been a fan, there's no choice, you'll be at this show.

I particularly love the lyrics she gets out of Appalatia (wrong, but much more amusing than the real ones), and that she's killed off poor Steve, Peter, and Marty! Not quite sure who's supposed to be still there... (In case you're wondering -- The Church goes through drummers kinda like Spinal Tap, but the rest are still there). * edited to add: Oh, oh and the "sheet action" HAHAHA!!! I don't know all that many people who use the Church's music to get laid...stoned, yeah, but laid? I think the only ones who ever used it to get laid were members of the band.

Anyway, I posted mine (well...there are actually many more Church bashing reviews), now get posting!

 

[Saracene]

Here's one of Madonna's "Ray of Light", my personal favourite of hers, by Mark Prindle (whose rude, crude style I rather enjoy)

3/10

"A lot of bigtime reviewers who should know a lot better have been calling this "the best album of Madonna's career" and "one of the finest albums of the year," but these people are fools. Please read this next line very carefully and take it to heart: NO CRITIC, INCLUDING LAMEASSES LIKE ME, ARE ANY MORE SUITED TO JUDGE A RECORD THAN YOU ARE. Trust me on this one. I went to school with plenty of music snobs whose taste totally SUCKED ASS, but that didn't stop them from running their mouths all the goddamned time. Presumably, these same deaf shit-loving mediocrities grew up to work for Spin and Rolling Stone, because every year it's the same goddamned thing -- average to slightly-interesting artists like Beck and The Chemical Brothers get tons and tons of press on the basis of what I personally consider to be incredibly pedestrian and predictable "'90s" records. Now don't go whining that I fear the "future" and am stuck in the past, because that's not true. What I'm whining about is that these oh-so-visionary "futurist" artists are applying tired early-90s sounds to nearly non-existent melodies, throwing in a little bit of simplistic "diversity," sort of rapping over it, and being hailed as brilliant. Which they just simply are NOT. And if you don't like the music for its own sake (which I DON'T), then do NOT be brainwashed into thinking that you're the fool and the critic is right. From my experience, the critic is usually very, very wrong - giving high marks to throwaway generic pop retreads like Hole and Garbage when there are SO many truly creative bands out there that aren't getting the major label support they deserve.

Now then, about Ray Of Light. It is EXACTLY what the ordinary everyday "critic" is looking for - "sincere, serious" lyrics oversung in a pretentious, emotional manner with "hip" '90s "electronic" sounds backing it up. But it SUCKS!!!! I have been a Madonna semi-fan for long enough to vehemently argue that this is one of the biggest pieces of shit she has ever come up with. First of all, did any of you notice that about half of the songs utilize the SAME EXACT ascending vocal melody? That sorrowful "I was in Evita and now I've learned the importance of love and selflessness through the experience of motherhood" melody? You know, the forgettable one backed up by NO RIFF WHATSOEVER??? Okay then. Secondly, did anybody notice that all of the songs are either very, very slow and lifeless ballads or "techno" songs driven by laughably dated "techno" beats that plant the entire CD square in 1992? And finally -- oh, finally -- these "serious, introspective" lyrics are just more teen-level saccharine shit. Sample lyric: "I traded fame for love/Without a second thought/It all became a silly game/Some things cannot be bought." I wrote better "poetry" when I was 15 and I'm a HIDEOUS poet. But what do you expect from critics? They loved the "mature" lyricism of Like A Prayer too. Me, I prefer a little fun and some actual melodies every once in awhile, rather than just a self-important ambient journey through the dark alleyways of no ideas.

So yeah, the album fucking blows, with the exception of maybe two songs. I apologize for all the quotation marks in this review, but HTML doesn't allow me to make those little bouncy finger "quote-unquote" motions.

Fucking HTML!!! Oh, how I long for the good old days of Tandys."

 

[Kieran McConville]

I am not sure I have an all-time favourite negative review, but this is an old piece that always amuses:

"VERTICAL HORIZON - Everything you Want

The easiest way to describe this is as Matchbox Twenty without the songwriting ability or production value. Another addition to the ever-expanding every-man rock field, Vertical Horizon try to hide inherent blandness by adding a slightly rough edge. It doesn't work. Songs range from the utterly predictable to the plain bad."

(Juice Magazine Australia, September 2000)

 

[typhoon]

Pitchfork's review of U2's Best of 1990-2000 was hilarious.

 

[indra]

That one had me laughing -- even had a limerick! Hot damn!

And this bit "the spiritual When There Were Only Two Sets of Footprints, That's When the Rhythm Section Was Carrying Us " was great! You have to admit the reviewer got U2 penchant for really long song titles down.

 

[ZeroDude]

Pitchfork's review of U2's Best of 1990-2000 was hilarious.

Bah, they hate U2

 

[indra]

No one has fun negative reviews of bands you like? Come on people!!!

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

I like reading negative reviews of things I don't like.

"There's a reason why Dave Matthews and his music is not popular on our shores: it's shit."

That was a good one.

 

[SkeeK]

I like reading negative reviews of things I don't like.

"There's a reason why Dave Matthews and his music is not popular on our shores: it's shit."

That was a good one.

The Allmusic.com review of Limp Bizkit's newer album is also hilariously accurate in its gobs of negativity.

 

[indra]

But that just so easy. A bad review of good music is so much harder to do well (which means be hilarious). Plus it shows that you as a fan of said band have a sense of humour...always a plus.

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

do amazon reviewers count?

the kind of guys who capitalise album titles and make incessant references to 'the glory days', 'classic rock', 'zepplin (sic)', 'real instruments', 'pop shit' and the general awfulness of rap as a genre?

 

[indra]

Sure!

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

I'll go hunt a few then!

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

On 'OK Computer'...

Radiohead sucks. The lead singer looks like a retard with his head bobbing around. Their music is boring too. You can tell how bad a band is when they are worshipped by rock critics and pseudo intellectuals who think they are on "the cutting edge of rock music" just because they like Rdaiohead. Stay away from Radiohead folks. They are BORING. BORING, BORING, BORING!!! I can't stress that word enough.

If you want to listen to something more entertaining than Radiohead, here's what to do: go turn on your TV. Change it to a channel with nothing on it. One of the channels with "snow" on it. Just turn that up and listen to it. Even that is more entertaining than this junk.

This is boring crap, go buy Hendrix or Iron Maiden!

This has got to be the most overrated albums of all time. The production is bad(you can hear the compression, and it's irritating), and the songs are a weak attempt to turn '70s classic rock into '90s alternative.
What really gets to me is how anyone could compare this album to Dark Side Of The Moon. DSOTM was a masterpiece, this, is a travesty, a sham, and a Mockery.. It's a Traveshamockery.

Radiohead are the Pedro Martinez of music...simply unstoppable for that stretch in the '90s.

Thom...who's your daddy, eh? Actually that was a positive review, but it was funny.

 

[Kieran McConville]

Sounds like U2fan2004! moonlights at Amazon. That dude sure 'rocks out' all over, doesn't he?

Don't worry, you won't know what I'm on about.

 

[Jack In The Box]

"Traveshamockery"

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

This one is as funny as hell:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...HR/cm_aya_sylt_title.sylt/002-9245499-9087229

The Led Zeppelin thingy is the most hilarious thing I've ever read.

 

[Zoomerang96]

the pitchfork review of atyclb was brilliantly hilarious.

which is a rarity for them, seeing as their pretentiousness makes even me gag half the time.

 

[MrBrau1]

This one is as funny as hell:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...HR/cm_aya_sylt_title.sylt/002-9245499-9087229

The Led Zeppelin thingy is the most hilarious thing I've ever read.

Ha! The Zep bit is great.BUT, I must correct the poor boy with the fact Zep never had sex w/ fish. They gave a live red snapper to a groupie who then did herself with it. I wonder if he'd appreciate Zep less knowing
the truth?

 

[indra]

How hard up do you have to be to have sex with fish?

 

[MrBrau1]

NO WAY! Hot Dog by Led Zeppelin just played on my playlist.

 

[indra]

Just a bit of a review (actually the overall review wasn't all that horrid, so it doesn't really fit here, but this bit was funny).

And guitarist Peter Koppes’ asthmatically breathy vocals on “See Your Lights” are affected to an embarrassing degree.

Yep. So affected the reviewer didn't even know that Marty Willson-Piper was singing the damned song! Actually, it isn't my favorite song on the album.

 

[melon]

Unfortunately, my favorite negative review has nothing to do with music. Instead, it is Roger Ebert's review of Rob Reiner's "North" (1994):

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19940722/REVIEWS/407220302/1023

"I have no idea why Rob Reiner, or anyone else, wanted to make this story into a movie, and close examination of the film itself is no help. "North" is one of the most unpleasant, contrived, artificial, cloying experiences I've had at the movies. To call it manipulative would be inaccurate; it has an ambition to manipulate, but fails."

...

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

I also think this is one of the few movies he's given zero stars for on his site.

Melon

 

[Irvine511]

my fav. negative review is Nick Horby's of "Kid A." just an excerpt:

"... You have to work at albums like "Kid A." You have to sit at home night after night and give yourself over to the paranoid millennial atmosphere as you try to decipher elliptical snatches of lyrics and puzzle out how the titles ("Treefingers," "The National Anthem," and so on) might refer to the songs. In other words, you have to be sixteen. Anyone old enough to vote may find that he has competing demands for his time-a relationship, say, or a job, or buying food, or listening to another CD he picked up on the same day. ... "Kid A" demands the patience of the devoted; both patience and devotion become scarcer commodities once you start picking up a paycheck. ..."


it's one of the reasons why i prefer HTDAAB/ATYCLB to Zooropa/Pop.

 

[Zoomerang96]

my fav. negative review is Nick Horby's of "Kid A." just an excerpt:

"... You have to work at albums like "Kid A." You have to sit at home night after night and give yourself over to the paranoid millennial atmosphere as you try to decipher elliptical snatches of lyrics and puzzle out how the titles ("Treefingers," "The National Anthem," and so on) might refer to the songs. In other words, you have to be sixteen. Anyone old enough to vote may find that he has competing demands for his time-a relationship, say, or a job, or buying food, or listening to another CD he picked up on the same day. ... "Kid A" demands the patience of the devoted; both patience and devotion become scarcer commodities once you start picking up a paycheck. ..."


it's one of the reasons why i prefer HTDAAB/ATYCLB to Zooropa/Pop.

that reviewer has to be kidding. kid a is hardly challenging.

 

[Kieran McConville]

Hey Zoomerang96, if you picked up a paycheck like REAL people, you'd understand that people don't want to work at stuff, lyrics should be heart-tugging and immediately understandable by even the dimmest bulb in the box.

 

[pub crawler]

First of all, did any of you notice that about half of the songs utilize the SAME EXACT ascending vocal melody? That sorrowful "I was in Evita and now I've learned the importance of love and selflessness through the experience of motherhood" melody?

The Ray of Light review made me laugh. Out loud, even.

 

[Zoomerang96]

Hey Zoomerang96, if you picked up a paycheck like REAL people, you'd understand that people don't want to work at stuff, lyrics should be heart-tugging and immediately understandable by even the dimmest bulb in the box.

oh right, i guess i never saw that memo. thanks for the headsup.

 

[bayernfc]

My favourite's a Clash one I heard in the Westway DVD from back in 1977 NME:

"The Clash are one of those garage bands that should be returned to the garage with the doors closed and the engines left running"

 

[u2popmofo]

My favourite's a Clash one I heard in the Westway DVD from back in 1977 NME:

"The Clash are one of those garage bands that should be returned to the garage with the doors closed and the engines left running"

Hahahaha

That one is terrible.....wait, why am I laughing?