Diamond The U2 Patriot
Refugee
First -
HOW TO GIVE YOUR KITTY CAT A PILL-
Pick kitty up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As kittycat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and kitty from behind sofa. Cradle kitty in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle kitty in left arm holding rear paws tightly w/left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth w/right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from behind goldfish bowl and kitty cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor w/cat wedged firmly btween knees, hold front and rear paws. IGNORE low growls emitted by kitty. Get spouse to hold head FIRMLY w/one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail,fetch another pill from foil. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat w/head just visable from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, and force mouth open w/pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label and make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 brew to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet w/cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Grab another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open w/dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat w/elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on. Drink brew. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot,drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanous shot. Apply whiskey to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw out tee shirt, fetch another one.
Ring fire birgade to retrieve cat from atop tree across the road. Apolgize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid kitty. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie little bastard's front paws to rear paws w/garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining rm table,find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down to wash pill down throat.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency rm.,sit quietly while Dr. stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters..
******************************************************************************************
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL-
WRAP IT IN BACON
Diamond
------------------
"...The big guy is made of STEEL." - Bono as we stood together on stage at Boston #4, June 9th, 2001.
---
-curious? click
links for
Bono/Dimon-
Bos.4 Story
Pics..
http://www.arizonaautoweb.com/bono/
http://members.aol.com/diamondbruno9/
[This message has been edited by Diamond The U2 Patriot (edited 02-19-2002).]
HOW TO GIVE YOUR KITTY CAT A PILL-
Pick kitty up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As kittycat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and kitty from behind sofa. Cradle kitty in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle kitty in left arm holding rear paws tightly w/left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth w/right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from behind goldfish bowl and kitty cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor w/cat wedged firmly btween knees, hold front and rear paws. IGNORE low growls emitted by kitty. Get spouse to hold head FIRMLY w/one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail,fetch another pill from foil. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat w/head just visable from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, and force mouth open w/pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label and make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 brew to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet w/cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Grab another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open w/dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat w/elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on. Drink brew. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot,drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanous shot. Apply whiskey to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw out tee shirt, fetch another one.
Ring fire birgade to retrieve cat from atop tree across the road. Apolgize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid kitty. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie little bastard's front paws to rear paws w/garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining rm table,find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down to wash pill down throat.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency rm.,sit quietly while Dr. stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters..
******************************************************************************************
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL-
WRAP IT IN BACON
Diamond
------------------
"...The big guy is made of STEEL." - Bono as we stood together on stage at Boston #4, June 9th, 2001.
---
-curious? click
links for
Bono/Dimon-
Bos.4 Story
Pics..
http://www.arizonaautoweb.com/bono/
http://members.aol.com/diamondbruno9/
[This message has been edited by Diamond The U2 Patriot (edited 02-19-2002).]
