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Old 02-28-2002, 10:07 AM   #31
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A man went to a doctor about a problem he's been having:
"Doctor, lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night singing "What's New Pussycat?" and "Green, Green Grass of Home"...it's really annoying my wife!"

Doctor: "I see, well, you seem to be showing the early signs of 'Tom Jones Sydrome'. "

"Is that a common thing"

Doctor: "It's not unusual"

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I'm just killing time
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Old 02-28-2002, 10:22 AM   #32
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A baby seal walks into a club.

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Gonnorhea

Q: Why did Tim fall off the bicycle?
A: Because Tim's a goldfish.

Q: How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, stick the elephant in, and close the door.

Q: Why were there footprints in the butter?
A: Because there's an elephant in the fridge.

Q: Why are firetrucks red?
A: Because books are red, too. 2x2=4. 4x3=12. There's 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was a ruler. Queen Mary is also the name of a ship. Ships sail in the ocean. Oceans have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians used to be known as the Reds. Firetrucks are always rushin', so that's why they're red.

Q: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?

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Truth is offensive.
I'm morally opposed to rape, and I would never rape anyone, but I think, ultimately, it's up to the rapist and no one else.
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Old 02-28-2002, 12:58 PM   #33
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A family of potatoes is watching TV and the girl potato says " I love Tom Brokaw. When I get older I'm gonna marry Tom Brokaw."

The father potato replies, You can't marry Tom Brokaw, he's a "common tater"


Sorry. Pulled a Dan Quayle
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[This message has been edited by U2ME3 (edited 02-28-2002).]
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Old 02-28-2002, 01:07 PM   #34
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Why did play stop during the leper hockey game?

Because there was a face off on the other end of the ice.

(Thank Ali Rose for that one!)
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Old 02-28-2002, 01:19 PM   #35
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This isn't really a joke, but it's one of my all-time favorite puns:

It's raining cats & dogs!!
Did you step in a poodle?

God, that's so lame. I don't know why I find it so amusing.
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Old 02-28-2002, 02:41 PM   #36
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how does micheal jackson pick his nose


through a catalogue
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Old 02-28-2002, 04:20 PM   #37
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Four blondes go to a bar to celebrate. They order a round a drinks and cheer "39 days!"

Feeling celebratory, they order another round and raise their glasses in another salute, "39 days!"

When they call for their 3rd round the bartender can't help but be curious, so he asks them what they are celebrating.

They say, "We finished a puzzle in only 39 days, and right on the cover it said '2-4 years'."

<groan>


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You ain't nothin without a rhythm section.

"Who's to say what it is will break you."

"What Adam does with his willy is his business..." -Bono
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Old 02-28-2002, 04:22 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally posted by Not George Lucas:

Q: Why were there footprints in the butter?
A: Because there's an elephant in the fridge.
Actually, this is only part of the whole joke.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: There are two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There are three sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside.

Quote:

Q: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Dunno, it's be hard to fit it in there with all the elephants.
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Old 02-28-2002, 04:25 PM   #39
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Q: How do you kill an elephant?
A: Shoot it with an elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a green elephant?
A: Hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: Sleep with its wife until it turns green from jealousy, hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
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Old 03-01-2002, 10:51 AM   #40
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Q: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerater?
A: Take the elephants out and put the giraffe in.


------------------

Truth is offensive.
I'm morally opposed to rape, and I would never rape anyone, but I think, ultimately, it's up to the rapist and no one else.
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Old 03-01-2002, 04:26 PM   #41
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Okay so I'm at this baseball game, and I sit down in the stands next to a very well dressed man and I notice the 2 rows in front of us are full of guys in matching jumpsuits who are all acting funny.

Our team hits a home run and the guy next to me goes "stand up and cheer, nuts", and the guys all stand up and cheer. Then he goes "okay sit down nuts", to which they all sit down. This happens a couple of more times, when I ask the guy what the deal is.

He tells me that he is in charge of a mental institution and he sometimes brings the patients out to games. He then says that they will do whatever you tell them as long as you make sure to say "nuts" when you address them.

Then he has to go to the bathroom, and asks me to take over for him for a minute. Reluctantly, I agree.

Suddenly there is a big commotion, and they all stand up and are freaking out and even disrobing. I dicide to split as this is getting out of hand. I pass the guy coming back from the bathroom, and he goes "what the hell is going on????"

I respond," I don't know, everything was fine and then some concession guy came by selling stuff and yelled "PEANUTS"
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Old 03-01-2002, 08:41 PM   #42
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a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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Old 03-01-2002, 08:57 PM   #43
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Quote:
Originally posted by speedracer:
Q: How do you kill an elephant?
A: Shoot it with an elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a green elephant?
A: Hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: Sleep with its wife until it turns green from jealousy, hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

These elephant jokes remind me of one of my all-time favourite jokes.

Q: What did the man say when he saw two elephants walking over a hill?
A: "Oh look, here come two elephants."

Q: What did the man say when he saw two elephants walking over a hill wearing shades?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognise them.


And after 1,000 posts, I do believe it is time to depart! Adieu!
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Old 03-03-2002, 11:20 AM   #44
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So a pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel coming out of his zipper. The bartender says to him: "Hey, buddy, you know you got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper?" The pirate says: "Y'arr, it's driving me nuts!"

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Old 03-03-2002, 11:46 AM   #45
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Quote:
Originally posted by Lilly:
So a pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel coming out of his zipper. The bartender says to him: "Hey, buddy, you know you got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper?" The pirate says: "Y'arr, it's driving me nuts!"

Yar...that's going to replace the whale in me nightmares.

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