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A man went to a doctor about a problem he's been having:
"Doctor, lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night singing "What's New Pussycat?" and "Green, Green Grass of Home"...it's really annoying my wife!"

Doctor: "I see, well, you seem to be showing the early signs of 'Tom Jones Sydrome'. "

"Is that a common thing"

Doctor: "It's not unusual"

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I'm not living
I'm just killing time
 
A baby seal walks into a club.

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Gonnorhea

Q: Why did Tim fall off the bicycle?
A: Because Tim's a goldfish.

Q: How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, stick the elephant in, and close the door.

Q: Why were there footprints in the butter?
A: Because there's an elephant in the fridge.

Q: Why are firetrucks red?
A: Because books are red, too. 2x2=4. 4x3=12. There's 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was a ruler. Queen Mary is also the name of a ship. Ships sail in the ocean. Oceans have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians used to be known as the Reds. Firetrucks are always rushin', so that's why they're red.

Q: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?

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Truth is offensive.
I'm morally opposed to rape, and I would never rape anyone, but I think, ultimately, it's up to the rapist and no one else.
 
A family of potatoes is watching TV and the girl potato says " I love Tom Brokaw. When I get older I'm gonna marry Tom Brokaw."

The father potato replies, You can't marry Tom Brokaw, he's a "common tater"


Sorry. Pulled a Dan Quayle
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Me3

[This message has been edited by U2ME3 (edited 02-28-2002).]
 
This isn't really a joke, but it's one of my all-time favorite puns:

It's raining cats & dogs!!
Did you step in a poodle?

God, that's so lame. I don't know why I find it so amusing.
 
how does micheal jackson pick his nose


through a catalogue
smile.gif
 
Four blondes go to a bar to celebrate. They order a round a drinks and cheer "39 days!"

Feeling celebratory, they order another round and raise their glasses in another salute, "39 days!"

When they call for their 3rd round the bartender can't help but be curious, so he asks them what they are celebrating.

They say, "We finished a puzzle in only 39 days, and right on the cover it said '2-4 years'."

<groan>


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You ain't nothin without a rhythm section.

"Who's to say what it is will break you."

"What Adam does with his willy is his business..." -Bono
 
Originally posted by Not George Lucas:

Q: Why were there footprints in the butter?
A: Because there's an elephant in the fridge.

Actually, this is only part of the whole joke.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: There are two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There are three sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside.


Q: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?

Dunno, it's be hard to fit it in there with all the elephants.
 
Q: How do you kill an elephant?
A: Shoot it with an elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a green elephant?
A: Hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: Sleep with its wife until it turns green from jealousy, hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
 
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerater?
A: Take the elephants out and put the giraffe in.


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Truth is offensive.
I'm morally opposed to rape, and I would never rape anyone, but I think, ultimately, it's up to the rapist and no one else.
 
Okay so I'm at this baseball game, and I sit down in the stands next to a very well dressed man and I notice the 2 rows in front of us are full of guys in matching jumpsuits who are all acting funny.

Our team hits a home run and the guy next to me goes "stand up and cheer, nuts", and the guys all stand up and cheer. Then he goes "okay sit down nuts", to which they all sit down. This happens a couple of more times, when I ask the guy what the deal is.

He tells me that he is in charge of a mental institution and he sometimes brings the patients out to games. He then says that they will do whatever you tell them as long as you make sure to say "nuts" when you address them.

Then he has to go to the bathroom, and asks me to take over for him for a minute. Reluctantly, I agree.

Suddenly there is a big commotion, and they all stand up and are freaking out and even disrobing. I dicide to split as this is getting out of hand. I pass the guy coming back from the bathroom, and he goes "what the hell is going on????"

I respond," I don't know, everything was fine and then some concession guy came by selling stuff and yelled "PEANUTS"
biggrin.gif
 
Originally posted by speedracer:
Q: How do you kill an elephant?
A: Shoot it with an elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a green elephant?
A: Hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: Sleep with its wife until it turns green from jealousy, hold its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.


These elephant jokes remind me of one of my all-time favourite jokes.

Q: What did the man say when he saw two elephants walking over a hill?
A: "Oh look, here come two elephants."

Q: What did the man say when he saw two elephants walking over a hill wearing shades?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognise them.


And after 1,000 posts, I do believe it is time to depart! Adieu!
 
So a pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel coming out of his zipper. The bartender says to him: "Hey, buddy, you know you got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper?" The pirate says: "Y'arr, it's driving me nuts!"

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*Proud owner, maker, and baker of THE U2 cookies*
 
Originally posted by Lilly:
So a pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel coming out of his zipper. The bartender says to him: "Hey, buddy, you know you got a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper?" The pirate says: "Y'arr, it's driving me nuts!"


Yar...that's going to replace the whale in me nightmares.
 
Ok i've got another:
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
tongue.gif
 
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

A: A drummer.
 
EDIT: ^^^ hahha, I love that joke :drunk:


Alright, this is my favorite joke...

Q: What did the fish say after it ran into a wall?


A: Damn!




kay, now for another...

Q: What do you call a sheep with no limbs?


A: a cloud!



Q: A young boy was sitting on a mushroom. Why didn't the girl sit with him?


A: There wasn't MUSH ROOM



Alright, and now for the ULTIMATE JOKE!!!!

3 friends decided to take a boat out to seas for some fishing. Well, as it turned out, they ended up heading straight into a terrible storm and thrown off course into uncharted territory. They found themselves stranded on an island, with no food nor shelter. As time progressed, the friends helped one another in building a small hut made out of straw.

So one day 2 of the friends went out collecting food, and when they returned, they were horrified to find out that their old pal had died in a terrible fire. The hut was destroyed. Eventually the 2 rallied with one another and rebuilt the hut. On the one year anniversary of their friend's death, one of the men went out to the water in search of more food. Upon his arrival, he found, once again, the hut burned to the ground, and his friend dead in the ashes.

Over the next year, the man spent many months gathering food and trying to patch up what was lost in the fire. He was even somehow able to grow crops from tiny seedlings throughout the island. Unfortunately, on the one year mark of his friend's death, his hut was burned as well as his crops while he was away gathering food. However, upon the man's arrival, he saw a small individual in a red top-hat run into the bushes. Knowledgeable to the true nature of his friend's demise and the destruction of his crops and hut, the man ran to catch up with the deviant dwarf. He ran through a series of vines and tall grass-blades, only to run short of breath and lose sight of the dwarf. He rolled his fingers into his palm and raised his arm high into the air proclaiming, "I'll get you one day!!"

Over the next year, the man rebuilt his hut, regrew his crops, and began running an incredible distance on a daily basis for the inevitable future confrontation with the dwarf. So, on the one year mark of the previous encounter with the short deviant, the man waited in a nearby bush, ready to catch the dwarf. The man waited all day and night, but eventually, his body grew tired of the wait and he fell asleep. Upon awaking, he saw his hut and crops aflame and, sure enough, the red dwarf with a top-hat quickly running into the bushes. The man took off in a hurry. He ran past the vines and the tall grass-blades of the jungle, and up to a river, whereby the dwarf jumped straight across. The man, unsure if he could make such a distance, risked it and took a leap. Unfortunately, he did not make it far enough and landed in the water stream. The dwarf had once again gotten away. Floating down the stream the man raised his hand in the air and shouting, "I'll get you next year!!"

So over the next year, the man rebuilt his hut and regrew his crops, and began practicing his long jump for the inevitable encounter with the red-hatted dwarf. He took a good days rest in case he should fall asleep in waiting for the tiny deviant. So, the man waited in the bushes. However, this time the individual was struck in the back of the head with a heavy rock. Upon awakening from the blow, he saw his hut and crops blazing into oblivion once more. He also caught sight of the dwarf running into the woods again. The man chased after, running past the vines and tall grass-blades. They got to the river and the dwarf leaped over the stream, and the man followed. The chase carried on until the man saw the dwarf high-tale himself up a slim tree and across many nearby tree branches, until he lost sight of the small being once again. The man raised his hand shouting "I'll get you next year if it's the last thing I do!!!!"

Next year came. The man's hut and crops were again restored. He had been practicing his climbing skills by going up and down nearby trees. The man waited that day and night in a distance for the dwarf to arrive. However, he did not come. The man was perplexed. A week passed and there was no sign of any disaster taking place, so the man went out in search of food. When he came back, sure enough, his hut and crops were on fire. The man saw the dwarf with a red top-hat run hurriedly into the jungle. He took off after. They ran past the vines and tall grass-blades, over the river, and to the tree. The dwarf climbed quickly up, but the man followed close behind. The dwarf climbed onto a branch and the man cornered him. He grabbed the dwarf by his shoulders and asked vehemently, "are you the one that murdered my friends, burned my hut, and destroyed my crops?!" The dwarf looked at the man and promptly replied, "no."
 
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Man on his way to a animal dress up party, knocks on the door....
man dressed as Bear asks "where is your costume?"
the man turns around and points to the girl sitting on his back "i've come as a turtle, this is Michelle" (as in Me-Shell)
 
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