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Old 12-01-2005, 06:08 PM   #31
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A guide to Christmas for the gastronomically challenged...

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.


8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I ask you people, isn't this the way YOU want to go out? Happy holidays!
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Old 12-01-2005, 06:19 PM   #32
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take December 23, starting at noon in
the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols . . .feel free to sing a long. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time. Happy now?


-------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member
of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table . . .
you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating, and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days
are so short this time of year-or else package everything
for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?

-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?

Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage
by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming
circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

-------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?

-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!

We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*! Salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...
but you know, they have feelings, too.

Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard
them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

-------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis
a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay
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Old 12-01-2005, 09:43 PM   #33
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lmao that was really good
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Old 12-01-2005, 10:37 PM   #34
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I have some holiday pictures that are pretty funny too....I will post a few each day so keep checking back. Hopefully others will also contribute. We'll all end up with a great collection.
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Old 12-01-2005, 11:32 PM   #35
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that'll be awesome, look forward to it
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Old 12-02-2005, 09:50 AM   #36
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did ya hear about the dyslexic who wanted to sell his soul to satan?

he sold it to santa
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Old 12-02-2005, 10:04 AM   #37
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who is this fugazi angel of harlem and where done did she come from?
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Old 12-05-2005, 08:48 PM   #38
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^

I dunno how funny this is, but it's definately amusing.. Type in whatever you want and hit play-

http://www.sr.se/p1/src/sing/index.htm
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Old 12-05-2005, 08:55 PM   #39
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^OMG that is too funny!

^^Double OMG I haven't heard that word fugazi in such a long time!

OK I need to post some funnies now. Get ready, here they come!
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Old 12-05-2005, 08:57 PM   #40
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Old 12-05-2005, 09:01 PM   #41
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those are so funny really creative
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Old 12-05-2005, 09:01 PM   #42
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Some Snow humor







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Old 12-05-2005, 09:04 PM   #43
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Some Santa humor:







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Old 12-05-2005, 09:08 PM   #44
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And there's always room for more:









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Old 12-05-2005, 10:04 PM   #45
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lmao i love those snowmen ones
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