Monty Python Appreciation Thread - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Lemonade Stand > Lemonade Stand Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 05-26-2005, 03:57 PM   #1
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
yimou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Denmark
Posts: 4,786
Local Time: 12:58 AM
Monty Python Appreciation Thread

John Cleese
Graham Chapman
Michael Palin
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Terry gilliam

They showed us the wonders of a flying circus. Taught us about the Holy Grail and the life of dear old Brian. And then they went on to tell us the meaning of life.

They have deserved their place among the comedy gods !!

Long live those crazy Pythons

And now one of my favorite sketches.

The crunchy frog sketch.

Inspector: 'ELLO!
Mr. Hilton: 'Ello.
Inspector: Mr. 'ilton?
Hilton: A-yes?
I: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
H: I am, yes.
I: Constable Clitoris and I are from the 'ygiene squad, and we'd like to have
a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Whizzo Quality
Assortment".
H: Oh, yes.
I: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue.
Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't prosecute you for that.
H: Ah, agreed.
I: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog.
H: Yes.
I: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere?
H: Yes, a little one.
I: What sort of frog?
H: A...a *dead* frog.
I: Is it cooked?
H: No.
I: What, a RAW frog?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq,
cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in
a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and
lovingly frosted with glucose.
I: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
H: What else?
I: Well, don't you even take the bones out?
H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
I: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the public!
C: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits)
I: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real
frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl!
They're bound to expect some sort of mock frog!
H: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of
ANY kind!
I: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog"
with the legend, "Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog" if you wish to avoid
prosecution!
H: What about our sales?
I: FUCK your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about this
one, number five, it was number five, wasn't it? Number five: Ram's
Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's bladder,
emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and
garnished with lark's vomit.
I: LARK'S VOMIT?!?!?
H: Correct.
I: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!
H: Ah, it does, at the bottom of the label, after "monosodium glutamate".
I: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it's be more appropriate if the
box bore a great red label: "WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!!!"
H: Our sales would plummet!
I: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of
confectionary??!!
(the constable returns)
I: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I'm lead to
understand. Or Raspberry Lite. I mean, what's this one, what's
this one? 'Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster! -- -- Anthrax Ripple!
C: MMMMWWWAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!
I: And what is this one: Spring Surprise?
H: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate,
when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge
straight through both cheeks.
I: (stunned) Well where's the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a nice little
chockie into their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!!!
In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have
to ask you to accompany me to the station.
H: (shrugging) It's a fair cop.
__________________

__________________
yimou is offline  
Old 05-26-2005, 05:33 PM   #2
Blue Crack Supplier
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 30,150
Local Time: 11:58 PM


I love them all!!!!! Altho, Michael Palin always held a special place in my heart!
__________________

__________________
susanp6 is offline  
Old 05-26-2005, 05:56 PM   #3
Rock n' Roll Doggie
VIP PASS
 
Saracene's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Melbourne, Australia, some time after tea
Posts: 6,325
Local Time: 11:58 PM
Wacky British humour rules,

"Welease Wodger!"

"He's NOT the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"
__________________
Saracene is offline  
Old 05-26-2005, 06:17 PM   #4
Refugee
 
maro_chik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 1,087
Local Time: 06:58 PM
"I wonder where that fish has gone."



The Hungarian Phrasebook

"I will not buy this record, it is scratched."
"My hovercraft is full of eels."
"Do you waaant to come back to my place - bouncy, bouncy?"
__________________
maro_chik is offline  
Old 05-26-2005, 08:27 PM   #5
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
BluRmGrl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Leather Heaven
Posts: 7,808
Local Time: 07:58 PM
"This parrot IS NO MORE!"
"Always look on the bright side of life....."
and of course, "Spam, Spam Spam, Spam and Spam!!"

Besides, what other male comedic group besides The Kids in the Hall so willingly would put on dresses & speak in high-pitched voices when a skit called for ladies?? (TKITH.... so funny!! God, I miss 'em!)
__________________
BluRmGrl is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 01:23 AM   #6
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
I wondered when an MP thread would arise!!

The classic (and nearly banned) Undertaker's Sketch:-

MAN: (entering a shop) Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker's?
UNDERTAKER: Yup, that's right, what can I do for you, squire?
M: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died
and I'm not quite sure what I should do.
U: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.
M: (aghast) Stiffs?
U: Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury
her, burn her, or dump her.
M: Dump her?
U: Dump her in the Thames.
M: (still aghast) What?
U: Oh, did you like her?
M: Yes!
U: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: burn her,
or bury her?
M: Um, well, um, which would you recommend?
U: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames,
crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not
quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can
pretend are hers.
M: (timidly) Oh.
U: Or, if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get
eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't
so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.
M: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead.
U: Where is she?
M: In the sack.
U: Let's 'ave a look.

(FX: rustle of bag opening)

U: Umm, she looks quite young.
M: Yes, she was.
U: (over his shoulder) FRED!
F: (offstage) Yea!
U: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!
F: (offstage) I'll get the oven on!
M: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting we should
eat my mother?
(pause)
U: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook her. She'd be delicious with a few
french fries, a bit of stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips)
M: What! (he stammers)
(pause)
M: Actually, I do feel a bit peckish - No! NO, I can't!
U: Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it
afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.
M: All right.



__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 01:40 AM   #7
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
An under-rated gem from the 1st series of MPFC...

'It's The Arts - Classical Music Interview'

"Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties...I'm sorry...Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats.

Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern..."

(fades out)

Cut to old man sitting blanketed, in wheel-chair, as he speaks, intercut with shot of interviewer nodding and looking interested.

Karl "Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de von..."

Interviewer (as he speaks intercut with shots of Karl nodding and trying to look interested) "Yes, if I may just cut in on you there, Herr Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm,
and ask you - just quickly - if there's any particular thing that you remember about Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?"

No response. He shakes the old man, then gets up and listens to his heart. Realizing with exasperation that his interviewee has died, he starts digging a grave. Cut back to presenter.


__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 01:45 AM   #8
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
*takes root in thread*

Cut to a policeman standing in a street man comes up to him.

Man Inspector, inspector.

Inspector Uh huh.

Man I'm terribly sorry but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had been stolen and £15 taken from it.

Inspector Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around or...

Man No no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.

Inspector Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.




Man Do you want to come back to my place?

Inspector ... Yeah all right.



__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 01:51 AM   #9
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
Cut to Mr Devious's insurance office. Devious and a man are sitting there.

Devious What do you want?

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'STRAIGHT MAN'

Man Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer...

Devious What was that?

Man Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eightpence.

Devious Oh, oh, yes...yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be commercially viable, so we now have a totally new offer...

Man What's that?

Devious A nude lady.

Man A nude lady?

Devious Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...

Man No, no, I don't really want that, Mr er...Mr...

Devious Devious.

Man Mr Devious. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive inurance on a 1970 Aston Martin.

Devious Aston Martin?

Man Yes.

Devious (quickly) Five hundred quid.

Man Five hundred quid?

Devious Forty quid.

Man Forty quid?

Devious Forty quid and a nude lady.

Man No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.

Devious Dirty books?

Man No, no, look, I'm not interested in any af that. (superimposed 'STRAIGHT MAN' caption again) I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please qoute me your price.

Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands there.

Vicar Knock knock.

Cut to inside office.

Devious Who's there

Cut to outside.

Vicar The Reverend...

Cut to inside.

Devious The Reverend who?

Vicar The reverend Morrison.

CAPTION: 'ANOTHER STRAIGHT MAN'

Cut to inside.

Devious Oh, come in.

The vicar enters.

Devious Now then, vic. What's the trouble?

Vicar Well, it's about this letter you sent me.

Man Excuse me, do I have any more lines?

Devious I don't know, mush, I'll have to look in the script...(he gets script out of drawer) Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man?

Man Yeah.

Devious No...no, you're finished.

Man Well, I'll be off then. (he leaves)

Devious (reading script) 'The vicar sits'.

The vicar sits.

Vicar It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.

Devious Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're not...as yet...totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.

Vicar But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.

Devious Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.

Vicar But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.

Devious (rising and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, reverend Morrison...in your policy...in your policy...(he open the drawer of the filing cabinet and takes out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumbled dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing cabinet)...here we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.

Vicar Oh dear.

Devious You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile...but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.

Vicar Oh dear, oh dear.

Devious Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?

Vicar Oh, she's fine. (he begins to sob)

Devious Look...Rev...I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out the office, there's a good chap.


__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 02:01 AM   #10
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
One of my fave sketches of the boys, is from the 2nd ep of the 3rd series - 'The emigration from Surbiton to Hounslow'
Just a crazy idea, and a weird sketch to come up with!!

If ur bored - take a read!

Voice Over and CAPTIONS:
'THE KON-TIKI'
'RA 1'
'RA 2'
'AND NOW ...'
'MR AND MRS BRIAN NORRIS' FORD POPULAR'
Pull back from a shot of an old little Ford Popular to reveal Mr and Mrs Norris, standing with it outside the front garden of a small suburban semi-detached house.
Voice Over Who, a year ago, had heard of Mr and Mrs Brian Norris of 37, Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green? And yet their epic journey in EBW 343 has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl and Sir Edmund Hillary. Starting only with a theory, Mr Norris set out to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great trek north. No newcomer to this field, Mr Norris's 'A Short History of Motor Traffic Between Purley and Esher' had become a best-selling minor classic in the car-swapping belt. (shot of Mr Norris gazing into a window, where his book lies; there is a sign saying 'Remaindered') But why would the people of Surbiton go to Hounslow? Mr Norris had noticed three things: (split-screen shot of two identical semi-detached houses) Firstly, the similarity of the houses. Secondly, the similarity of the costume between Hounslow and Surbiton, (similarly, dressed suburbanites on other side of the split screen) and thirdly, the similarity of speech.
Split screen.
Man on Right Are you still running the GDBDMDB?
Man on Left Yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled to remove tamping.
Man on Right Jolly good.
Voice Over Were these just coincidences, or were they, as Mr Norris believed, part of an identical cultural background? One further discovery convinced him. (cut to two lawnmowers arranged on a table, as if they were exhibits in a museum, with type-written documentation in front of them for the visitor) The lawnmower. Surely such a sophisticated household gadget could not have been generated independently in two separate areas. Mr Norris was convinced.
Mr Norris's Voice I'm convinced.
Voice Over But how to prove it.
Mr Norris's Voice But how to prove it.
Voice Over There was only one way to see if the journey between Surbiton and Hounslow was possible, and that was to try and make it. Months of preparation followed whilst Mr Norris continued his research in the Putney Public Library, (Mr Norris in a library reading a book titled 'The Lady with the Naked Skin' by Paul Fox Jnr) and Mrs Norris made sandwiches.
Cut to Mr and Mrs Norris leaving their home.
Voice Over Finally, by April, they were ready. On the 23rd, Mr and Mrs Norris set out from 'Abide-A-Wee' to motor the fifteen miles to Surbiton, watched by a crowd of local well-wishers. (one tiny child holding a small British flag) That evening they dined at Tooting. (quick flash of them sitting in the window of a Golden Egg or Wimpy place) This would be the last they'd see of civilization. Mr Norris's diary for the 23rd reveals the extraordinary calmness and deep inner peacefulness of his mind.
We see the diary.
Mr Norris's Voice 7.30 Fed cat.
8.00 Breakfast.
8.30 Yes (successfully).
9.00 Set out on historic journey.
Cut to Mr Norris's car driving along a suburban road. A sign says 'You are now leaving Surbiton, gateway to Esher'.
Voice Over On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the traffic, Mr Norris's historic expedition set out from Surbiton - destination Hounslow. Early on they began to perceive encouraging signs. (cut to sign saying 'Hounslow 25 miles'; Mr Norris closely examines the sign, as would an archaeologist) The writing on the sign was almost exactly the same as the writing in the AA book. They were on the right route. During the long hours of the voyage, Mr Norris's wife Betty kept a complete photographic record and made sandwiches. This is some of the unique footage which Mrs Norris got back from the chemists... (badly shot pictures of sandwiches, with fingers in the lens, etc.) Mile succeeded mile and the terrific strain was beginning to tell when suddenly, (chord; Mr Norris points excitedly, pull back to reveal him standing on a bridge over the Kingston by-pass examining it through field glasses) by an amazing stroke of luck, Mr Norris had come across the Kingston by-pass. This was something to tell the Round Table. (cut to a map, it traces the two routes in red as the voice talks) At this stage, Mr Norris was faced with two major divergent theories concerning his Surbiton ancestors. Did they take the Kingston by-pass, turning left at Barnes, or did they strike west up the A308 via Norbiton to Hampton Wick? Both these theories ran up against one big obstacle - the Thames, (the car at a river bank; Mr and Mrs Norris puzzling; behind them three or four bridges with traffic pouring over) lying like a silver turd between Richmond and Isleworth. This was a major setback. How could they possibly cross the river? Several hours of thought produced nothing. There was only one flask of coffee left when suddenly Mr Norris spotted something. (cut to a sign saying Metropolitan Railway) Could this have been the method used? Hardly daring to believe, Mr Norris led his expedition on to the 3.47. (cut to them getting on the train) Forty minutes later, via Clapham, Fulham, Chiswick and Brentford, they approached their goal: Hounslow. (a sign saying 'Hounslow Central'; Mr Norris sticks a British flag on the platform; he poses for his wife's photos; much hand shaking) Was this, then, the final proof? Something aroused the accountant's instinct buried deep in Mr Norris's make-up. (cut to Mr Norris's eyes and furrowed brow) The journey was possible, and yet .... (zoom in on railway timetable on wall saying 'Trains to Surbiton every half hour') 'Wrong Way' Norris had accidentally stumbled on a piece of anthropological history. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow who had made the great trek south to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton, and not vice versa, as he had originally surmised. This was the secret of Surbiton! Happy and contented Mr Norris returned to the calmer waters of chartered accountancy, for, in his way, 'Wrong Way' Norris was right.
Music swells, over book title 'The Story of EBW 343 ' by 'Wrong Way' Norris.
CAPTION: 'THE END'

__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 02:12 AM   #11
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
And of course, some of the classic songs! This little number sung by the late great Graham -

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had balanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you'll get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sore,
Your monilial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your *dobies itch my *scrum-pox
Ah, lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear

My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
I'm dying from your love, my love,
I'm your spirochetal clown
I've left my body to science,
But I'm afraid they've turned it down

Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningomyelitis
*Diplococcal *catholitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic coronitis
And anterior *ureitis.


__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 02:17 AM   #12
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
'Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you moralize,
When I'm between your thighs;
You blow me away!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face and let my love be truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
And we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play,
'Till we're blown away!'



__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 02:20 AM   #13
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
Every Sperm is Sacred

There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed,
But,
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on.
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because...

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Children: Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Little Girl: Let the heathens spill theirs,
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Children: Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Mother: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Men on toilets: Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
Women: If a sperm is wasted,
Children: God gets quite irate.

Priest: Every sperm is sacred.
Bride and Groom: Every sperm is good.
Nannies: Every sperm is needed
Babies: In your neighbourhood!

Everyone: Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
Undertakers: God needs everybody's.
Male mourner: Mine!
Female mourner: And mine!
Corpse: And mine!

Nuns: Let the Pagans spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
Statues: God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Everyone: Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 03:25 AM   #14
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
yimou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Denmark
Posts: 4,786
Local Time: 12:58 AM
The Cheese shop

(a customer walks in the door.)

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah .man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now,
skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over
all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee Ah wor 'ungry-like!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do
the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and
infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy
comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the mazuki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the
Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilset?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Cafilly, if you
please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bell Paisey?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Emental? Brilliere?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan Yarlsburger, per chance.
O: No.
C: Lipta?
O: No.
C: Lancashire?
O: No.
C: White Stilton?
O: No.
C: Danish Brew?
O: No.
C: Double Goucester?
O: No.
C: Cheshire?
O: No.
C: Dorset Bluveny?
O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Porceileu, Savoy Aire, Sampolan, Carrier de
lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
O: No.
C: Camenbert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........!
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Goudon?
O: No.
C: Idam?
O: No.
C: Case Ness?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Darby?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir.
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

C: Greek Fetta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
O: no
C: Parmesan,
O: no
C: Mozarella,
O: no
C: Paper Cramer,
O: no
C: Danish Bimbo,
O: no
C: Czech sheep's milk,
O: no
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not -today-, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
O: 'Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
"Have you got any?" He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir..
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY MAZUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir...
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optomism to have
posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and takes out a pistol.

C: What a -senseless- waste of human life.
__________________
yimou is offline  
Old 05-27-2005, 03:27 AM   #15
Blue Crack Addict
 
Aardvark747's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Obscured By Clouds...
Posts: 22,359
Local Time: 11:58 PM
Glad u came back Yimou, I thought i'd be annoyed with me hijacking the thread!
__________________

__________________
Aardvark747 is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:58 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com