Merged --> Jokes please! + boners

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Ahem...

So the seven dwarves go and visit the Pope. After they have the first part of their papal audience they were asked if they had any individual questions for his holiness.
Dopey steped to the front and said "Umm sir, I was wondering if by chance there were any midget nuns in the Vatican.
The Pope looked at Dopey and said "Uh, no Dopey, there are no midget nuns in the vatican."
The other six dwarves exchanged humored glances.
"Well what about in Rome?" Said Dopey, "Are there any in Rome?"
"No Dopey, I think I would know about that." Said the Pope.
The other dwarves snickerd.
"What about in Italy, any in Italy?" Asked Dopey.
"No."
"Well what about in the whole world?"
"No Dopey. There aren't any. Why do you ask?"
The other dwarves were rolling on the floor by this point.
"What the hell is so funny?" Said the Pope.
At which point Doc yelled "Dopey fucked a penguin!!!!"
 
:shocked:

Bear you've done it again. Will you stop at nothing to scandalize and demoralize this board? :angry:

Ban him, I say.
 
dopey was always known to stoop into bestiality, but its a boundary that deserves to be broken. :up:

yes, ban me, i say.
 
anyone heard of "puppetry of the penis?"(hmmm, I seem to be touching on eccentric Aussie's this afternoon)
It has certainly raised some questions in my mind and I was wanting to ask for some intelligent opinions....but I thought it would be seen as too rude for this place.


deathbear started it!!

signed
the building inspector.
 
well at least I found out delete is not an option...double

woops.

anyway my latest "joke" ( the question will come if anyone seriously wants to know) Hang on, you'd have to have a clue about the above mentioned show POTP .to get it.
but by jimminy's...it makes me laugh.

the building inspector.
 
Last edited:
cass said:
anyone heard of "puppetry of the penis?"(hmmm, I seem to be touching on eccentric Aussie's this afternoon)
It has certainly raised some questions in my mind and I was wanting to ask for some intelligent opinions....but I thought it would be seen as too rude for this place.


deathbear started it!!

signed
the building inspector.
Click to expand...

No, I did not see it . The production was in L A (hollywood) recently. They had the performers on the Jay Leno show, only to be interviewed, no preview. I think it is much ado about nothig. A lot of us guys are puppet masters, we just don't charge admission.
 
Jokes please!

Here's one:

IRISH JOKE

HARD TO GET ONE UP ON THE IRISH!! Three men: one
American,
one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the
skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went
to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
arse.
The others raised their eyebrows and Paddy says.... "Would yi fecking believe it, I'm getting a fax!!! :laugh:
 
a piece of string walks into a bar and says "bartender, gimme a drink!"

the bartender says, "i'm sorry, i can't serve you, you're a piece of string."

so the piece of string goes home, looks in the mirror and thinks, "hmm, what can i do to make myself look even less like a piece of string?" he thinks and thinks and then says, "i know!" and then ties himself into a knot.

the piece of string goes back into the bar, very confident now, walks up to the bar, and says "bartender, gimme a drink!"

the bartender says, "i'm sorry, i can't serve you, you're a piece of string."

so the piece of string goes home, looks into the mirror again and says, "what else can i do to make myself look even less like a piece of string?" he stares and stares and then says. "i know!" and he rubs the top of his head vigorously until all of the fibers are sticking out in mad directions all over his head. "there we go," he says, satisfied with his new look.

the piece of string walks back into the bar and says, "bartender, gimme a drink!"

the bartender says, "look, i've told you before, i can't serve you, you're a piece of string."

the piece of string, much bolder now, looks the bartender straight in the eye and says..."no, i'm a frayed knot..."
 
A little boy who said his prayers every night would say,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the cat,
and God bless the dog."

Well, one day the little boy was playing with the dog, and
the dog bit him. That night when he said his prayers, he
said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the
cat, and I don't care what happens to the dog." The next
morning when they woke up, they found the dog--dead.

A few days later, the little boy was playing with the cat,
and the cat scratched him. That night when he said his
prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy,
and I don't care what happens to the cat." The next
morning when they woke up, they found the cat--dead.

A few days later, the little boy got in trouble with his
Daddy. That night when he said his prayers, he said,
"God bless Mommy, and I don't care what happens to Daddy."

Well, Daddy had heard the little boy's prayers every
night and remembered what had happened to the dog
and the cat. So, that night, Daddy stayed up until the
wee hours of the morning, determined that he would
fend off anything that tried to kill him. Finally, he gave
up and went to bed. He awoke the next morning, feeling
grateful that nothing happened to him and went to retrieve
the morning paper and the fresh milk bottle. When he
opened the front door; however, he found the milk man--dead.
 
from an email I got the other day...

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my
younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
 
For all the animal lovers out there:

Creation and Pets

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and
it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with
you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will
love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him DOG."



And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam
and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they
believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved,
but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them
forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they
were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

:laugh:
 
Here's one from one of my history lists. There was all of this political unrest going on in Prague and its environs in the early fifteenth century. I won't get into the political stuff. Irate political protesters pushed a bunch of the King's aides out of a window in Prague. According to reports the aides were not hurt because they landed on grass, not the walkways. We concluded that they were bouncing Czechs.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
Jackass


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
 
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