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Old 06-30-2003, 10:54 PM   #1
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MERGED --> a life in question

a story to think about, as you drive to work tommorow.

if a man orders a tossed salad, a diet soda, and a vegan entree as the main course, what do you think the chances are of him landing a job at the local golf course during winter season?

bear in mind, ofcourse, golf is a seasonal game. played outdoors, players enjoy being outside on warm even sunny days. winter usually means snow and cold temperatures, and leads to unfavourable golfing conditions.

perhaps if i told you this man in question is also a roman catholic. not super devout, but a catholic nevertheless. he's experiencing marital problems at the moment, but nothing the two of them cant get over.

does this make him less desirable as an applicant?

the man in question is 34 years of age, and has no serious health issues. a vegetarian, the stanford graduate has always strived for excellence in everything he has ever attempted, including weight lifting, boxing, and gardening.

but i ask you, the committee, is this man suitable for a winter position at the local golf club? someone with a 4.0 gpa, a diploma with distinctions, and a previous job working as the national security advisor for kaiser wilhelm the third in the german cabinet might not find this new job stimulating. or would he? how could you be sure?

the man in question has informed us in his application he excretes on average one to two times a day, and urinates anywhere between three to five times throughout a 24 hour period. very normal, sure, but does the golf course want to take on the extra cost of toilet paper, toilet maintenance, etc. by hiring this gentleman? perhaps we could find someone who has a larger blattus (balls mccone) and wouldnt need to waste company time on the throne?

finally, in his upcoming interview, weve asked the interested applicant if hed be interested in serving as an auxillairy security officer on holes number 6, 11, and 15. randy, as always, plans on returning for the winter shift, but requested for a backup officer for those three holes specifically. the man in question said he has never worked in law enforcement to any extent, but still believes he has the power to keep the peace through extensive negotiation tactics he learnt during his four year stint in harvard. is verbal communication and conflict resolution tactics enough to keep our course in optimum condition during the winter season?

id like to hear your thoughts. we need to be ready when the man comes through the door.

~ted connors

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Old 06-30-2003, 11:08 PM   #2
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Originally posted by Red Ships of Scalla-Festa
is verbal communication and conflict resolution tactics enough to keep our course in optimum condition during the winter season?

~ted connors


there are several issues with the person in question that make him a potential bad hire.

while he may have good verbal skills, people don't want noise on a golf course. he will chase away true golfers like bob hope and bob barker (bob squared, use the foil method for factorization). the potential for blathering on is greatly increased when you hire someone with good verbal skills.

his conflict resolution tactics may be unorthodox, but i have it on good authority once he solves a conflict, it never arises again.

i would say that if he's Catholic, he'll want Sundays and Wednesdays off. Sundays are big golf days for those who have jobs during the week at companies they don't own. and Wednesdays are popular for ceos and bobs. you are losing a potentially valuable member of your team on the two most important days, what kind of standard does that create?

i would also look at his hygeine. the cost of toilet paper times the gallons of water you're losing added into the potential hours every week the person in question will miss due to his pea sized bladder will add up quickly mr. connors, i'm just not sure these are costs the golf course can absorb in the winter.

perhaps with a second and third interview and some hefty kickbacks, he may have a shot.

~virginia vamp

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Old 06-30-2003, 11:11 PM   #3
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Old 06-30-2003, 11:17 PM   #4
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dear virginia,

as a trusted member of the committee, i appreciate your prompt input.

i understand that "gabbing" could be a problem. personally, my boss has led me down the hallowed path of near-suicide with her relentless verbal assaults that drive the brain into insanity.

are there methods to prevent our potential employee from talking too much? perhaps a word count. we could tie a device to his right hand or forehead that monitors precisely how many words have been said to any given customer. once we decide on a quota, we could enforce it by shocking him until he smokes black special sauce - if he should decide to exceed his limit. its just an idea, and were just a think tank. im interested in your ideas.

i agree about his religion being a problem. ive always been a staunch supporter of using religion, race, and sexuality as means to determine whether the applicant is a proper fit. perhaps we could ask him to forego his religion in exchange for the position? thoughts?

i can tell, virginia, that this will be a long interviewing process. strap yourself in for a long ride, as this could quite possibly take months.

yours truly,

ted connors
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Old 06-30-2003, 11:33 PM   #5
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dearest ted,

i believe i am ready to immerse myself into the think tank and help out the committee. it's for the betterment of golf everywhere, a topic near and dear to my heart.

i like your quota idea - but this will take much development. different members will want different amounts of talk. the wives will want to chit chat with the subject in question about common drivel while their studly millionaire husbands shoot par. they will want his imput on whether their dresses make them look fat, how long their golden marriages will last, whether to sign a prenup again, love between the sheets, and of course, what to have the maid cook for supper.

this suggests we may need different settings with different quotas. perhaps the members could change the quota on the box located on his forehead? "mute" "hello" "chit chat" "conversation" etc etc

his Catholic status could be a road block. though he should really be giving up services for the greens, in more ways than one. perhaps we could install a non-denominational chapel on hole 11 where he could potentially be posted. that way he could take his lunch break there and be done with it.

i recieved a personal package from him including 2 front row tickets and back stage passes to matchbox 20. he asked me to invite you specifically. i am excited, that rob thomas really is fancy, gets my heart beating so quickly with his genius and sheer talent.

i was hoping for tickets to jovi, i know you'd like that more mr. connors. perhaps we should penalize him for poor judgement?


virginia vamp
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Old 07-01-2003, 08:21 AM   #6
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Dear Ted,

Please tell your lover, Agony Ant, to respond my letters. I sent him his bad dog's liver in the mail, but he still isn't taking me seriously. Next time it will be his budgie on a bbq skewer.

Agitated in Arkansas
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Old 07-01-2003, 08:32 AM   #7
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I think the Agony Ant may be unwell just at present.
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Old 07-01-2003, 09:05 AM   #8
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i didn't read any of this
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Old 07-01-2003, 09:15 AM   #9
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TO: Winter Operations Position Search Comittee

FROM: Dr. Stanley Tchock

CC: Daisy Hill C.C. Board of Directors

With the interview process quickly approaching, I wanted to take some time to let the comittee know that our winter operations budget may be reduced in the coming months. As you all know, the cougar incident we had this past Fall has put a damper on the spirit of the club members.

Please keep this in mind in the hiring process. And, as always, kepp up the GREAT work. Without volunteers like you, Daisy Hill Country Club would be just another bath house for illcit sexual solicitaions by local government officials.

ZL/ST Phd.
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Old 07-01-2003, 04:25 PM   #10
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