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Old 01-17-2002, 05:54 PM   #1
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Lord of the Rings - The Alternative Script - soooooo funny!!!!

OK, I didn't write this, I don't know who did, but I found it on another message board and I know you'll find it hilarious if you've seen the movie!!!


LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

FADE IN (SORT OF):

EXT/INT. DARKNESS

NARRATOR

Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of

ruling the world via some rings.


SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewellery.

NARRATOR

Not everyone was thrilled with this idea,

so there was a war.

Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks pissy.

NARRATOR

Sauron had the One Ring and was

therefore whacking people left and right.

SAURON kicks the ass of ISILDURíS FATHER and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.

NARRATOR

But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward

Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped

it off.

First of many shots of SAURONíS FALLING FINGER with THE RING.

NARRATOR

Isildur could have destroyed it then and there,

but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it.

The Ring was not happy with this and quickly

arranged Isildurís death.

RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.

RING

Well, this is inconvenient.


NARRATOR

And everyone pretty much forgot about the

extremely important war.

GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.

NARRATOR

The Ring did wonders for Gollumís social life.


GOLLULM

PrecioussssÖ.


RING

Hoo boy.

BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.

NARRATOR

Which brings us toÖNow.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE

FRODO

Hi there. Iím extremely adorable.

GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

GANDALF

Hello, Frodo. Why donít I

not tell you things.

FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.

GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.

BILBO

Iím going to say some vaguely

disturbing things while Gandalf

engages in some slapstick.

GANDALF smacks his HEAD.

GANDALF

Letís have a smoke.


AUDIENCE

I was gonna go research the Ring

But then I got high.

I was gonna destroy the bloody thing

But then I got high.

Now the world is in imminent danger

And I know why.

Because I got high, because I got high,

Because I got high.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY

BILBO

We need to make several clever

references to The Hobbit.

MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.

BILBO

Now, I will make an insulting speech

that no one will understand

because you can barely add fractions.

God, Iím clever.

BILBOíS EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.

GANDALF

Oh, for heavenís sake.

GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.

BILBO

Remember those vaguely disturbing

things I said earlier? Now Iím going to

say some blatantly disturbing things.

GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.

BILBO

Okay, I wonít do that freaky thing

with my eyes again.


GANDALF

Leave the Ring for Frodo. Iím sure

he wonít mind having to keep the

evil object.

BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

BILBO

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it beganÖ

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmmÖ

BORK, BORK, BORK!


GANDALF

Iím going to wait for Frodo to come

home so I can not tell him things.


FRODO

Iím home! Why do we keep having

extreme close-ups of Bilboís ring?


GANDALF

I canít tell you that.

GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.

EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR

GOLLUM

ShireÖBaggins!

The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE

FRODO

La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing

can possibly go wrong.


GANDALF

BOO!


FRODO

Oh, $#!t.


GANDALF

The Ring is evil.


RING

Hey, Iím in the room!


GANDALF

You have to go. Gollum told

everyone.

GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didnít need to see.

GANDALF

Iím going to see the obviously

evil Saruman.


FRODO

Thatís great. Iím sure youíll

be captured and Iíll waste time

waiting for you.


GANDALF

HmmÖYou canít go alone, soÖ


GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.

SAM

Ack! Gardening! At night!


GANDALF

Whatever. I need someone

to obsess about Frodo.


SAM

Iím your man.

GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.

FRODO

The excessively creepy black rider is

coming! Hide!


BLACK RIDER

Dammit, why canít I find this

Baggins place?


RING

Hey, you! Iím down here!

Frodo, put on the Ring!

FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.

BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.

THE HOBBITS run like hell to the FERRY.

BLACK RIDER

Hey! You! Can I get directions?


FRODO

Argh!


BLACK RIDER

Wait! I need help here!

FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.

INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

GANDALF

I need your help.


SARUMAN

Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.


GANDALF

Despite your creepy demeanour, Iím going

to reveal some secrets.


SARUMAN

I work for Sauron.


GANDALF

You are the wisest of the Wise.


SARUMAN

Iím evil.


GANDALF

I trust you implicitly.


SARUMAN

Iíll make you break dance.


GANDALF

You ARE evil!

GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.

EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE

FRODO

Gandalf isnít here. I wonder why.


MERRY

Letís get drunk!


PIPPIN

I see no reason why not.


RING

Those damn Ringwraiths are lost again.

Frodo, put me on so the Eye can

give them directions.


FRODO

Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.

And adorable.

PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.

RING

Score! I thought that was going to

take weeks!


FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.

EYE OF SAURON

ROAR! IÖMy god, your eyes are blue!


FRODO

Well, I am adorable.


BLACK RIDERS

Oh, so it was someone named Baggins

in the land of Shire!

BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.

FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.

STRIDER

Thereís been enough adorability.

Time for some rugged handsomeness

from Strider the Ranger.


AUDIENCE

Tyrannosaurus Rex!


SAM

Frodoís been out of my sight for three seconds!


STRIDER

Iíve come to guide you to the next plot point.

We need to set it up so the audience thinks

the Black Riders are killing you, while you

are actually somewhere safe with me.

BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.

AUDIENCE

Enough already!


STRIDER

Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.


FRODO

You didnít pretend it was Strider for

very long.


ARAGORN

Well, multiple names are cumbersome.

Just ask Mithrandir.


SAM

Who?

EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT

ARAGORN

Iím going to conveniently wander off.


FRODO

Iím going to conveniently go to sleep.


Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.


BLACK RIDERS

Oh, there they are!


AUDIENCE
You guys arenít very bright, are you?

BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. Itís all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.

AUDIENCE

Oh, for the love ofÖ

BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.

AUDIENCE

Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?


FRODO

No, Iím just going to get cloudy contacts,

varicose veins and start making funny

noises, but Iíll still be the cutest thing

youíve ever seen.

ARAGORN manages to show up.

SAM

Itís about time.


ARAGORN

Sorry, traffic.

ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.

BLACK RIDERS

Fire bad!


There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.

BLACK RIDER

Well, Iíll just be going then.

EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS

GLORFINDEL

Well, itís just about time for

me to go save Frodo.

Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.

ARWEN

Sorry, Glory. Itís my time.

ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.

ARWEN

Hi, honey. Iím here to save you.


ARAGORN

Arwen! Iím glad to see you.

But, whereís Glorfindel?

ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.

ARWEN

Beats me.


ARAGORN

Oh well. Can you save Frodo?


ARWEN

Like, fer sure!

ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.

BLACK RIDERS

Hey, you canít take him! We stamped

him ourselves!


ARWEN

Like, come get him, dorkwads!

ARWEN steals her FATHERíS JOB and starts the flood herself.

BLACK RIDERS

ARGH! First fire, now water!

Nature sucks!

FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.

INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

FRODO

No, I hate Baroque! What?

Where am I?


GANDALF

Hi, Frodo.


FRODO

Gandalf! Where the hell were you?

GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.

SARUMAN

Idiot! Of course Iím evil!

But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the BIG-ASS EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.

END FLASHBACK

FRODO

UmÖGandalf? Hello?


GANDALF

Iím sorry, what? You know I canít

tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.

3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.

GANDALF

And Bilbo.

BILBO looks like heís been put in an OVEN for a while.

FRODO

Wow, you got old quick.


BILBO

Itís one of those vaguely disturbing things

from the beginning.

FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.

GANDALF

Now what?


ELROND

Now we will have a flashback to explain

why I look so pissy all the time.

The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELRONDíS POV. ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING. Again.

AUDIENCE

Yes, we know.

EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.

GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.

BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.

BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear. Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that others obviously revere.

BOROMIR

There, I think that establishes some

tension between Aragorn and myself.


ARWEN

Donít let him get to you honey.

Letís have a saccharine moment.


AUDIENCE

<pukes>

INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND

BOROMIR

I will further establish myself as trouble.


LEGOLAS

I will go on the offence.


GIMLI

I will get indignant.


ELROND

We must get rid of the Ring.


RING

Just try it, Pissy Boy.

GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.

ELROND

The Ring can only be destroyed where

it was made. In Mordor.


AUDIENCE

Thatís convenient.


ELROND

So, who wants to die?


FRODO

Iíll go. Better than listening to

The Ring reciting that damn poem

over and over again.


GANDALF

Youíll need an old guy.


LEGOLAS

And my ability to be delicious without

being fey.


GIMLI

AUCH! And my accent.


ARAGORN

I must go to assuage my self-doubt.


BOROMIR

Well, you need some conflict, so

Iíll go too.


SAM

And if I lose sight of Frodo, Iíll panic.


MERRY AND PIPPIN

Hey, youíll need comic relief!


ELROND

At least weíll only lose one elf.

INT. BILBOíS ROOM

BILBO

Do you think I could possibly,

you know, see the Ring?


FRODO

Iím not sure if thatís such a goodÖ

BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.

AUDIENCE

HOLY $#!t!


FRODO

Okay, time to leave.

EXT. PLACES THEY ARENíT GOING

GANDALF

We canít go this way.


AUDIENCE

Well, that was a waste of time.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SOME ORC

What does The Eye want now?


SARUMAN

We need to create the mutant from Small

Soldiers and pull down some trees to

guarantee the animosity of the Ents.


AUDIENCE

Cut your nails!

EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE

GANDALF canít figure out how to open a door.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, worldís most underrated character.

FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.

AUDIENCE

<throws their arms in the air>

Turns out, there are LOTS Oí DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.

BOROMIR

This is not encouraging.

AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.

AUDIENCE

Itís the giant squid from

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!

GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.

AUDIENCE

Thatís convenient.

LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.

FRODO

Hey, isnít that Gollum?

Too bad heís not dead.


GANDALF

Donít be judgmental.


FRODO

Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor

wouldnít know we had the Ring and

all this would be a moot point.


GANDALF

Shut up. Heís some part yet to play.


AUDIENCE

<bites at the air>

GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.

LEGOLAS

MustÖmoveÖon.


AUDIENCE

Really.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE. CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.

NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS.

CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.

AUDIENCE

Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!

YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.

FRODO gets stabbed.

EVERYONE ELSE

Nooooo!


AUDIENCE

Not again!

Filled with RAGE at FRODOíS ďdeath,Ē EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL. Which dies. Twenty minutes later.

FRODO

Iím not quite dead yet.

EVERYONE runs like hell. They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.

GANDALF

Come on, today folks!

EVERYONE runs like hell down the WINDING STAIRS. GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap. Right.

The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. Itís a BALROG.

GANDALF

Aw, hell.

GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.

BALROG

Screw Gandalf! Whereís this Ralph

Bakshi guy?


GANDALF

None shall pass.

GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out. BALROG falls to its demise.

AUDIENCE

Does that thing have wings? If

so, why doesnít it just fly?

BALROG takes GANDALF out.

GANDALF

I can manage to be insulting moments

away from death.

ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.

ARAGORN

Time to run like hell again.

EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

HALDIR

Stupid dwarf.


GIMLI

AUCH! I must get indignant again!


CELEBORN

Iím a non-entity. Feel free to ignore me.


GALADRIAL

Iím creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting

of othersí mental autonomy and I look like

Joan Osborn.

GALADRIAL creeps out FRODO.

INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

GALADRIAL wanders by.

AUDIENCE

What if God was one of us?

FRODO follows GALADRIAL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.

GALADRIAL

Mwhahaha. Want to see something

really scary?

THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.

EYE OF SAURON

Hello? Anyone out there?


FRODO

My life is going to be miserable, isnít it?


GALADRIAL

You can take one friend with you, and you

still have your adorability.


FRODO

Thatís true. Do you want the Ring?

I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.

GALADRIAL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.

GALADRIAL

Nope.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.

SARUMAN

Give Ďem hell in the fourth quarter!

EXT. THE RIVER

ARAGORN

Thanks for the boats!

GALADRIAL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her MANICURE.

GALADRIAL

Same guy who does Saruman.

MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.

ARAGORN

Look at the Argonath!


THE ARGONATH

Stop! In the Name of Love!


LEGOLAS

We need to stop so Boromir can attack

Frodo and so Gimli can rest.


GIMLI

AUCH! Indignation!

EXT. THE SHORE

FRODO

Iím going off alone!


ARAGORN

Later.


AUDIENCE

Frodoís not too bright either.


RING

Psst. Boromir. Címere.


BOROMIR

Hey, Frodo. Whatís up? I was

wonderingÖ

BOROMIR jumps FRODO. FRODO uses the RING to escape.

BOROMIR

Díoh!

FRODO runs like hell through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS. THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall. ARAGORN manages to show up.

FRODO

Iím leaving. Alone.


ARAGORN

What did that moron Boromir do?


FRODO

Never mind. Orcs!

CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.

There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away. Alone.

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious ass.

BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN. He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE. AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.

ARAGORN saves BOROMIR. Sort of.


BOROMIR

Aragorn. I always loved you.


ARAGORN

UmÖ

BOROMIR finally DIES.

FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone. SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.

SAM

I canít let you leave my sight!


FRODO

Oh, for the love ofÖ

FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.

THE MOMENT

Hi there. Have some emotion.

Iíve got plenty for all.

THE MOVIE ENDS.

AUDIENCE

WHAT!? NOW?!


FRODO

Unless you want to sit through

another six hours.


AUDIENCE

YES!


ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK

HmmÖI just got my tranquilizer prescription

refilled. Must be time to write another album.

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Old 01-17-2002, 06:03 PM   #2
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oh gawd. I don't use the acronymn ROTFLMFAO very often, but in this case I shall. hahahahaha. That's absolutely hilarious.
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Old 01-17-2002, 06:06 PM   #3
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Hey Truly,

Can you post a link to where you found that alter-script? I know someone who'd like to see it.
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Old 01-17-2002, 06:19 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally posted by HelloAngel:
Hey Truly,

Can you post a link to where you found that alter-script? I know someone who'd like to see it.
Yep - this is where I found it - http://pub75.ezboard.com/forlandoblo...picID=64.topic
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Old 01-17-2002, 06:21 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truly:
Yep - this is where I found it - http://pub75.ezboard.com/forlandoblo...picID=64.topic
Wow! That was fast! Thanks!!!
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Old 01-17-2002, 07:48 PM   #6
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LMAO!!! that was hilarious...i liked the part where the audience would be singing "because i got high" ...

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ME!
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Old 01-18-2002, 11:28 AM   #7
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Oh, that was sooo funny.....Thanks for posting!
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Old 01-18-2002, 02:47 PM   #8
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LMAO

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a looong time.

The person who wrote this should be hired at SNL. THIS is what a spoof should be like.

[This message has been edited by Diemen (edited 01-18-2002).]
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Old 01-18-2002, 07:05 PM   #9
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you really have a great name, truly

[This message has been edited by really (edited 01-18-2002).]
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Old 01-19-2002, 03:25 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by Diemen:
The person who wrote this should be hired at SNL
Not a bad idea, Diemen. SNL is needing URGENTLY someone who can write good real fun stuff!

BTW: I loved that script! *two tumbs up*



[This message has been edited by Ana (edited 01-18-2002).]
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Old 01-19-2002, 03:38 AM   #11
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Thanks for posting - that was really funny! I think we have now established that Frodo is adorable.
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Old 01-19-2002, 06:42 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by really:
you really have a great name, truly
Thanks really!
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