The Wanderer
Kid A
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's 7 candidates:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded
$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's
son.
2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won
$74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was
leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of
the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to
go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because
the door connecting the house and garage locked when
he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight
days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of
$500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was
awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being
bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because
the jury felt the dog might have been just a little
provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting
it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx
(tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully
sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city
when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor
and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out without
paying her check, awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway,
he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself
a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the
road. The owner's manual did not say that he couldn't
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus
a new motor home. The company actually changed their
manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there
were any other complete morons buying their recreation
vehicles.
so which of you dumbasses has been serving on jury duty this year?
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded
$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's
son.
2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won
$74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was
leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of
the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to
go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because
the door connecting the house and garage locked when
he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight
days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of
$500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was
awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being
bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because
the jury felt the dog might have been just a little
provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting
it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx
(tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully
sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city
when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor
and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out without
paying her check, awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway,
he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself
a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the
road. The owner's manual did not say that he couldn't
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus
a new motor home. The company actually changed their
manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there
were any other complete morons buying their recreation
vehicles.
so which of you dumbasses has been serving on jury duty this year?
BLS 
it's funny cause it's true!
