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Old 06-08-2003, 06:47 PM   #1
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Jury awards white man $10,000 for ‘soul shake’ injury

Soul Shake Injury

Jury awards white man $10,000 for ‘soul shake’ injury

“I go to shake the guys hand and all hell breaks loose.”--Anthony Paretti, negrosity victim.
CHICAGO--A jury awarded a south suburban man $10,000 on July 11 for the pain and suffering from a November 2001 handshake.

Attorneys for delivery truck driver, Anthony Paretti, argued that their client was a victim of "cultural negligence and wreckless negrosity" at the hand of Roscoe "Uncle Fats" DuBois owner of the "Uncle Fats Wings and Thangs" chain of fast food stands.

According to court documents, Parreti 40, was to deliver a shipment of hot links to an Uncle Fats location on Chicago's South Side. " I never been down there before", Paretti told the jury last Wednesday. "So I try to get there early, I know them peoples gets antsy when they're hungry and I don't want to start no riots or nothin'."
Paretti went on to testify that his experience at Uncle Fats was surprisingly uneventful until the end. "It was cool. Uncle Fats himself gave me three wings, some fries, and a slice a bread for the road. Then I go to shake the guys hand and all hell breaks loose." Next Parreti described a "harrowing" 15 minute ordeal of grasps, slaps, snaps, under the leg manuvers and random commands such as "on the black hand side. I thought he was playing patty cake or something at first, but it just wouldn't stop. Two minutes in and I'm like what the *&%@."

Lawyers for DuBois called the decision an outrage and plan to appeal. "It's not inherently dangerous to shake a Black man's hand. Our client was just being friendly. What do you expect from a guy who doesn't mind being called Uncle Fats?"

A jurist, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that she felt that DuBois should have simply used more caution. "I've seen these soul shakes before. You see them a lot on UPN and WB. They look so athletic and inviting. White people simply don't have enough rhythm to keep up with them. Mr. DuBois should have known that."

Harlan Jenkins, the lone Black American on the jury and single dissenter, was disgusted. "Aw, he hurt his hand, poor baby. I broke my ass last week trying to get out of Bridgeport and ain't nobody give me nothin'."

The Reverend Jesse Jackson plans to stage a "Shake-In" at the Uncle Fats Wings and Thangs on 200 W. 60th street this Saturday. Rev. Jackson encouraged everyone to purchase three wings and fries with mild sauce, salt and pepper.
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Old 06-08-2003, 06:56 PM   #2
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this can not be true... oh lordy please let this not be true...
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Old 06-08-2003, 07:01 PM   #3
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Get a life white bigots with nothing better to do.
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Old 06-08-2003, 07:03 PM   #4
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Please, please, tell me this is a spoof.
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Old 06-08-2003, 07:06 PM   #5
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sorry that is hillarious if that is true!!!
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Old 06-08-2003, 07:08 PM   #6
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“I go to shake the guys hand and all hell breaks loose.”--Anthony Paretti
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Old 06-08-2003, 08:13 PM   #7
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Old 06-09-2003, 12:06 AM   #8
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The cast is very convincing. For a moment there I was wondering if he needed a neck brace... well, he will soon enough when I kick his ass.

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Old 06-09-2003, 02:03 AM   #9
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pardon my ignorance, but what's a soul shake?
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Old 06-09-2003, 02:54 AM   #10
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It's an elaborate hand-shake... like how frat houses have their "secret-shake". I guess to be a soul-shake you need to have rhythm... and this idiot claims that he couldn't perform his hand-shake, because his whiteness inhibited his rhythmic duty.

Lame money-grabbing scheme.

For shame
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Old 06-09-2003, 01:08 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by deep


“I go to shake the guys hand and all hell breaks loose.”--Anthony Paretti


tort reform poster child.
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Old 06-09-2003, 01:29 PM   #12
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This guy should go spill hot McDonald's coffee on his crotch.....


I can just see the Case Summary - man wins compensation when his narrow mind was injured by a new experience.
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Old 06-09-2003, 01:36 PM   #13
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I think I can safely assume it's untrue.
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Old 06-09-2003, 03:16 PM   #14
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I hope this isn't true, but I still find it pretty funny.


People sue for the dumbest things these days. Best line
Quote:
Harlan Jenkins, the lone Black American on the jury and single dissenter, was disgusted. "Aw, he hurt his hand, poor baby. I broke my ass last week trying to get out of Bridgeport and ain't nobody give me nothin'."

Maybe that's not funny if you're not familiar with Chicago neighborhoods though.




~J
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Old 06-09-2003, 04:43 PM   #15
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what it is jive turkey... put it there
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