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Old 03-21-2003, 01:34 PM   #1
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Job Hunting Tips

Here are some great job hunting tips brought to you by The Onion . A great site, not deserving of my poop in anway.


Today's job market is more competitive than ever. Here are some tips to help give you the edge:

Make sure your résumé is free of spelling and grammatical errors, grease stains, crumbs, blood splatters, and bits of hair and gristle.

Be aggressive: Don't be afraid to call a potential employer every few hours and say, "Is there an opening yet? How 'bout now? How 'bout now? Now?"

When waiting for a job interview and a fellow applicant is there, strike up a conversation. Then, when it's your turn to be interviewed, stand up and say, "See ya, sicko." Explain to the interviewer that he invited you to a goat-sex orgy.

If you find the "Notable Achievements" section of your résumé lacking, consider listing the longest rat-tail you've ever grown.
Avoid borrowing liberally from the plots of popular Tom Clancy and John LeCarré novels when describing previous job experiences.

If you attended Harvard, Yale, or another prestigious Ivy League institution, don't bother noting this on your résumé. Or even creating a résumé at all. Just have one of the other assholes from your school get you a job.

Be sure to pronounce résumé "REH-zoo-may," which means "a list of one's accomplishments and qualifications," and not like the word "resume," which means "to unpause Resident Evil 3."

After providing a contact number for your "former employer at Merrill Lynch," be sure to change your answering machine to say, "Hi, this is Merrill Lynch, we're not in right now."

If, during an interview, you sense that they have detected one or more of the falsehoods in your résumé, throw a smoke bomb on the floor and escape in the ensuing confusion.

When a job application asks you to list "Reason You Left Previous Job," make it clear you were not at fault. Write, "Boss was total Nazi."

Have a long history of experience in the field you're applying for and glowing recommendations. Either that, or print your résumé on really nice, heavyweight ivory paper.

Being state archery champion is impressive, indeed. But Hardee's is more interested in knowing if you're intelligent enough to avoid deep-frying your hands.

Post your résumé online. This will give it an air of authority and legitimacy that only the Internet can confer.

When writing a cover letter to a prospective employer, stress that, although you used to admire their company, they totally suck now, but that if they hire you, you can help make them great again. That will definitely work.

Don't be afraid to list "Cook County Correctional Facility" on your résumé. They could think maybe you worked there or something.
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Old 03-21-2003, 02:02 PM   #2
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I love the Onion - funniest site ever






*next to Deathbear's Journal.*
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Old 03-21-2003, 02:28 PM   #3
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Fantastic Triumph, I wont disown you as a friend just for this post.
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Old 03-21-2003, 02:46 PM   #4
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omg talking to yourself now?
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Old 03-21-2003, 03:09 PM   #5
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Originally posted by Sicy
omg talking to yourself now?
He's my roommate.....
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Old 03-21-2003, 08:26 PM   #6
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The Village Already has its idiot...

That's right Triumph or is it Triomphe (voulez-vous couchez avec mofo ce soir?)... this forum isn't big enough for two sarcastic dawgs. I'm the one who fulfills the "duty" of "marking" territory here...
So I suggest an old fashioned throw down, showdown, hell no I can't slow down (In honour of Maestro Fresh Wes)...

Kidding aside welcome to the doghouse... its nice to see someone who is as serious as me around here. You seem like a nice dog for ME to poop on (copyright triumph the dog)...

PS- its interesting you showed up just after I mentioned you in a Gickies thread... coincidence?
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Old 03-21-2003, 11:43 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2popmofo


He's my roommate.....
it's funny how easily you were busted.
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Old 03-22-2003, 12:23 AM   #8
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Old 03-22-2003, 02:10 AM   #9
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Oh no the demon cat again...

apparently she prefers da fish, to da dog... understandably.
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Old 03-22-2003, 02:35 AM   #10
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Its my new demon cat
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Old 03-22-2003, 03:07 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2popmofo


He's my roommate.....
riiiiiiiight....

and scotty stapp just happens to live in my house.

But it was a funny list
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Old 03-22-2003, 03:25 AM   #12
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and scotty stapp just happens to live in my house.
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Old 03-22-2003, 03:28 AM   #13
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Sounds like that house could use an exorcism... .
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Old 03-22-2003, 01:17 PM   #14
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i'm glad you all liked the list, its from the onion

just so you know i'm actually not u2popmofo, he is actually my butt licking roomate
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