Jack Handy appreciation thread........

[Elvis Presley]

I was prompted from another board I frequent to look up some of this mans wonderful quotes again......here are some of my favorites.........

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - JH

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." -JH

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. -JH

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. - JH

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. -JH

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. -JH

 

[Elvis Presley]

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
- Jack Handey

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
- Jack Handey

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- Jack Handey

 

[Gickies Gageeze]

ive read the disneyland one, jack handy is indeed a wonderful man.

 

[Elvis Presley]

ive read the disneyland one, jack handy is indeed a wonderful man.

he is my mentor.......

 

[mmmBono]

I Jack Handy!! Thanks Elvis

 

[Elvis Presley]

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
- Jack Handey

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
- Jack Handey

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
- Jack Handey

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
- Jack Handey

 

[Basstrap]

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex - JH

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.' - JH

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

 

[Giant Lemon]

I Jack Handey!

 

[gherman]

It's been a long time since I've read those... funny shit man!

 

[u2popmofo]

Hilarity, thy name is Jack Handy.

 

[Vorsprung]

Never heard of Jack Handy, but I believe Socrates could have learned a lot from him.....


Those really are some fabulous quotes!!!!!!!!

 

[u2popmofo]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - JH

I've modeled my life after this quote.

 

[Stories for Boys]

 

[nbcrusader]

Thanks to Jack Handy, I'm scared of clowns.

Hysterical

 

[ILuvLarryMullen]

I Jack Handy

 

[ouizy]

I used to love those quotes on SNL, but I thought they were even funny with the dry sarcastic voice that spoke them...

 

[Elvis Presley]

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
- Jack Handey

 

[Elvis Presley]

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
- Jack Handey

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
- Jack Handey

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
- Jack Handey

 

[Cleasai]

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
- Jack Handey

that is so something that I'd do