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Old 02-07-2002, 07:30 PM   #1
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Jack Handy

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.


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Old 02-07-2002, 07:54 PM   #2
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When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

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Old 02-07-2002, 10:07 PM   #3
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If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, forget em man, cuz they're gone.

I never thought clowns were funny. In fact I always thought they were kind of scary. I think this dates back to the time when I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Say you meet two guys named Hambone and Flippy. And you think "I wonder which one likes dolphins more?" I bet you'd say Flippy, but you're wrong - it's Hambone.

Keepin it krunk...

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Old 02-08-2002, 12:26 AM   #4
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Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.... Wait, not me...you...
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Old 02-08-2002, 01:38 AM   #5
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Just cause I love my fellow U2 fans so much, I've taken the time to post my collection of Deep Thoughts on mp3.

if any don't work, post here and let me know or email me at hermesstm@hotmail.com
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Old 02-08-2002, 01:42 AM   #6
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oh, and the last one is a bunch of them spliced together.
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Old 02-08-2002, 08:26 AM   #7
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I thought I heard the crows calling my name, thought Caw!!!
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Old 02-09-2002, 12:10 AM   #8
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I'm taking these down monday to make some room, so I just wanted to let y'all know.

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