Isn't It Time For Another Joke Thread

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This one is long and slightly sac religious but worth it imo…




A priest is out fishing with a good friend when he feels a tug on his line. He struggles with the fish for several minutes before pulling in the rather large fish.

“Look at the size of that son of a bitch!” his friend exclaims.

“Don’t use such language!” the priest admonishes his friend.

“But that is the name of the fish, it’s a son of a bitch.” His friend insists.

“Really? Well, it is a rather large son of a bitch then I suppose” The priest acknowledges.


After a long afternoon of fishing the priest returns to the church with his catch and runs into a nun on the front step.

“Wow, that is a big fish father!” She says in awe.

“Isn’t It? It sure is a big son of a bitch.” He says proudly.

“FATHER! Watch your language!” she says in horror.

“But that’s what its called, it’s a son of a bitch.” The priest says earnestly.

“Oh, I see. Well, since you caught the son of a bitch, then I will clean it and give it to the cook” She says.


So the nun takes the fish, cleans it and delivers it to the cook for dinner that night.

“Look at all of this fish!” The cook exclaims.

“It sure was a big son of a bitch!” says the nun.

“Sister! What did you say?” says the shocked cook.

“Don’t worry, that’s it’s name, it’s a son of a bitch” she says.

“Oh, okay, then I will cook the son of a bitch for dinner tonight” says the cook.


That night, the Pope comes over for dinner. After the meal, he pushes back his chair.

“What an excellent meal” He exclaims “My compliments on that wonderful fish!”

The first priest smiles proudly and says, “I caught the son of a bitch”

The nun chimes in “And I cleaned the son of a bitch”

Finally the cook says modestly “ And I cooked the son of a bitch!”

The Pope looks over the three with a surprised look. Then he slowly leans back on his chair and puts his feet up on the table.

“You know what?” He says, “You fuckers are alright!”
 
There was a book I saw lastweek that was memoirs from a Sgt. Mike Jackson.

I said to my dad; "he shortened it to Mike so he doesnt get bad rep when he touches his privates.."
 
It was particularly busy one night at a popular nightclub in a town with a huge military base. Lots of soldiers were out, and accordingly lots of the town's girls were too. Everyone was drinking a lot and having a good time, except for one rather old-looking Sergeant who simply stood by himself with a very stoic look on his face all night.

At one point, a rather drunk girl noticed he'd been standing there almost at attention for a very long time.

"Look at that guy over there," she said to her friend. "I bet I can get him moving."

So she walked up to the sergeant and said, "Hey there. I noticed you're not very happy."

"Not true, ma'am," was the reply from the sergeant, who stood staring straight ahead. "I just got home from my 10th Army tour of duty. Glad to be here."

"Wow!" exclaimed the young woman. "Ten tours, huh? How does your wife feel about that?"

"I'm not married, and I never have been," replied the sergeant.

"Oh," the young woman said. "Well, no wonder you're so unexcited. You're away from women all the time and have nobody to come back to when your work is done. When's the last time you got laid?"

"1955," replied the sergeant.

So the young woman, feeling particularly sorry for the poor old guy, and also feeling particularly drunk, decided to take him home and give him what he'd been missing for so long.

So she did.

After it was all over, they were lying in bed. She was covered in sweat. She turned to him, still breathless, and said "Wow! That was unbelievable! I can't believe that after all that time you haven't lost your touch!"

"I better not have," the sergeant replied. "It's only 2130 now."
 
I was going to list some dead baby jokes... but those are just brutal.

And they're only funny in person. Rapid-fire style.
 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey see, monkey do.


What did the giraffe say?

Where'd all these dead monkeys come from?
 
Okay, okay, here's one:

How many dead babies does it take to fill a dumpster?

...7
 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "


"You just happened to catch my eye."
 
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Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
The first nun leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The second nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
 
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
 
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and, we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Cardonay, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saladas an a bax cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fink ar in ned ov inr pece.

Cheres
 
There was a small family who lived somewhere in back woods Appalachia. They were dirt poor, and the area was in a severe drought, so their only hope of survival for the year was for their prize dairy cow to provide enough milk to sell, and maybe a calf.

One day, the farmer walks down to the river to look for his only son. He hadn't been around for a few hours, and there was work that needed to be done. He brought along a gun, just in case his son had been set upon by wild animals. But when the farmer arrived at the river, all he saw was the family's only cow, bloody and lifeless, lying dead on the river bank. Distraught, he cried out "I'm destitute! There's no hope for me in the world now." He put his shotgun under his chin and pulled the trigger.

An hour or two later, the farmer's wife starts to get concerned about where her son and husband are, so she heads down to the river herself. She sees the family cow dead and bloody and her husband with the top of his head shot off, and exclaims "my love is dead, and my family is bankrupt! There's no reason for me to keep living." So she leaped into the river's strong current and drowned herself.

A while later, the farmers' son decided to look around for his missing parents, and made his way down to the river. He saw his dead father, his mother's bloated body on the river bank, and the dead cow, and cried out "my whole family is gone and I've got nothing left to live for!" So he wass about to smash his head into the biggest boulder he ccould find to end his life.

All of a sudden, a gorgeous mermaid pops out of the river, and said "wait! I'm a magical mermaid and I can manipulate time! I can reverse all this so that your cow and your family will all be well again."

"Well gee," said the young man. "That sounds great!"

"There's only one condition," said the mermaid. "You've got to have sex with me for an hour, and give me 20 orgasms in that time, or else I can't affect time at all!"

So the young man thinks about it for a few seconds and then says, "alright. I'll do it." He begins to take off his shirt, and then stops abruptly. He turns to the mermaid and says "wait a second...how do I know that won't kill you like it did the cow?"
 
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
 
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically USELESS on dates......

++++

What did Linda Lovelace's dentist say after he checked her?
"I've never come across such teeth"

+++++++
 
cartoon4.jpg
 
THE PENIS STUDY

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's peni s was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
 
A small plane is flying over the Pacific Ocean from New Zealand to Australia. Besides the pilot, it is carrying an American, a South African, an Australian, and a New Zealander. Suddenly, the plane begins to abruptly descent and the pilot turns to his passengers:

"Guys, I don't know how to tell you this, but if one of you doesn't jump out, the plane will plummet into the ocean and we will all die."

Instantly, the American stands up and goes to the door. He proclaims "I'm doing this for my country!" and jumps to his death.

This initially seems to help the pilot regain control, but soon it's apparent that the plane is still descending at an alarming rate. "Sorry," says the pilot, "but another one of you will have to jump."

"I'm doing this for my country!" says the South African, and he jumps out.

The plane levels off a little, and then suddenly dives even more. The pilot turns and says, "I can definitely save the plane and reach land, but only if another one of you jumps."

"I'm doing this for my country!" exclaims the New Zealander, and he pushes the Australian out.
 
Two canibals were eating a man.

One canibal started eating at the man's head, the other started with the man's feet.

The canibal who started eating with the top of the man's said to the other canibal, "How are you doing down there?"

The other canibal replied, "Great, I'm having a ball."
 
DaveC said:
It was particularly busy one night at a popular nightclub in a town with a huge military base. Lots of soldiers were out, and accordingly lots of the town's girls were too. Everyone was drinking a lot and having a good time, except for one rather old-looking Sergeant who simply stood by himself with a very stoic look on his face all night.

At one point, a rather drunk girl noticed he'd been standing there almost at attention for a very long time.

"Look at that guy over there," she said to her friend. "I bet I can get him moving."

So she walked up to the sergeant and said, "Hey there. I noticed you're not very happy."

"Not true, ma'am," was the reply from the sergeant, who stood staring straight ahead. "I just got home from my 10th Army tour of duty. Glad to be here."

"Wow!" exclaimed the young woman. "Ten tours, huh? How does your wife feel about that?"

"I'm not married, and I never have been," replied the sergeant.

"Oh," the young woman said. "Well, no wonder you're so unexcited. You're away from women all the time and have nobody to come back to when your work is done. When's the last time you got laid?"

"1955," replied the sergeant.

So the young woman, feeling particularly sorry for the poor old guy, and also feeling particularly drunk, decided to take him home and give him what he'd been missing for so long.

So she did.

After it was all over, they were lying in bed. She was covered in sweat. She turned to him, still breathless, and said "Wow! That was unbelievable! I can't believe that after all that time you haven't lost your touch!"

"I better not have," the sergeant replied. "It's only 2130 now."
Click to expand...


:shifty: I can't believe I ALMOST replied to this and said......I don't get it.... :reject: I of course...got it like 2 minutes later :lmao:


LemonMacPhisto said:
I was going to list some dead baby jokes... but those are just brutal.

And they're only funny in person. Rapid-fire style.
Click to expand...


gez.....you should meet my husband

LemonMacPhisto said:
Okay, okay, here's one:

How many dead babies does it take to fill a dumpster?

...7
Click to expand...

I don't get this one.....and you're horrible.....just like my husband
:wink:

just kidding.....but seriously....those dead baby jokes are horrible....and now you've got me laughing and i know I shouldnt be and I feel horrible! stop it! :lol:
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me.
I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table...

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed,

"...let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
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