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Old 12-05-2007, 11:26 PM   #46
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5 minute management course:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Old 12-06-2007, 04:01 AM   #47
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A blonde walks into a library and goes up to the desk and says to the librarian, "I'll have a cheeseburger, a small fries and a large diet coke."
The librarian looks at her slightly annoyed and says, ""Ma'am, you do realize this is a LIBRARY."
The blonde replies, "Oh gosh I'm so sorry!" She then whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger, a small fries and a large diet coke."

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Old 12-06-2007, 07:00 AM   #48
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A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop approaches his car and asks him for his licence. The driver says "I don't have a licence, they took it away after my last DUI." The cop asks for his registration. The driver says "It's in the glove compartment, but I should warn you, I also have a gun in there, which I used to kill my wife. She's in the trunk."

The cop is a little rattled and decides to call for backup. When the sargent arrives he goes over to the driver. "Can I see your licence please." The driver gives him his licence, and the sargent is very suprised. "Have you ever had your licence revoked?" asks the sargent. The driver says no. The sargent asks for his registration and the driver reaches for his glove compartment, and the sargent says "Wait, do you have anything in there I should know about?" The driver says "No, officer, why do you ask?" The sargent says "the other officer told me you had a gun in there." The driver says "And I suppose he also told you I was speeding."
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:06 AM   #49
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A man is sitting down drinking a bottle of Evian. His friend says to him, "Do you ever wonder why people spend $2 on a bottle of water?" "No" says the drinker. "Try spelling Evian backwards."

(I like this one because I don't get the bottled water craze.)
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:15 AM   #50
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Originally posted by Tania
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Old 12-06-2007, 08:32 AM   #51
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A son asks his father the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'. "That's hard," says the father. "I have an idea, though. Ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks."

His mother says she would, and the son relays the answer back to his father. "Alright," says the father, "this time, ask your sister if she'll sleep with the newspaper man for two million bucks." She too says she would, and the son relays the answer back to his father.

"Well, there you go son," says the father, "that's your answer. Theoretically, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."

"Mediocrity is never so dangerous as when it is dressed up as sincerity." - Søren Kierkegaard

Ian McCulloch the U2 fan:
"Who buys U2 records anyway? It's just music for plumbers and bricklayers. Bono, what a slob. You'd think with all that climbing about he does, he'd look real fit and that. But he's real fat, y'know. Reminds me of a soddin' mountain goat."
"And as for Bono, he needs a colostomy bag for his mouth."

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