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Old 11-29-2007, 11:33 PM   #31
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A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
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Old 11-29-2007, 11:34 PM   #32
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Old 11-30-2007, 03:05 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally posted by Reggie Thee Dog
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me.
I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table...

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed,

"...let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
that's great
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Old 12-03-2007, 06:28 AM   #34
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Another plane joke ...

Five people are enjoying a charter flight: the pilot, an Australian, a New Zealander, and a mother with her son. Suddenly, the pilot loses control of the plane and it starts plummeting towards the ground.

"We're going to have to abandon the plane and jump," says the pilot urgently, "but there's a problem. There's five of us, but only four parachutes!" With that, he grabs one for himself and jumps out before the others can react. The Australian and the New Zealander quickly follow, leaving the mother and her son with just one parachute.

"You take it," the mother says, offering her son the parachute. "Save yourself!"

"No need to worry!" replies the son, and he pulls a parachute out from under his seat.

"Where the hell did you get that?" she asks.

He replies, "the Australian took my backpack!"
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"And as for Bono, he needs a colostomy bag for his mouth."

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Old 12-03-2007, 11:32 AM   #35
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What's ET short for?








Cos he's got little legs
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:33 AM   #36
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Two snowmen standing in a field

One says to the other, "Can you smell carrot?"
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:35 AM   #37
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Old 12-03-2007, 11:41 AM   #38
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A father, mother and son stand near a sign on top of a cliff that says if they jump and wish for something they will land in it at the bottom.

The son jumps and shouts "cereal!!!" and land in a huge bowl of cereal.

The mother jumps and yells "a convertable" and lands in a new convertible.

The father looks and thinks hard what to wish for.
Instead he slips and screams "shit!!!!!"......
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Old 12-03-2007, 03:28 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally posted by waynetravis
A father, mother and son stand near a sign on top of a cliff that says if they jump and wish for something they will land in it at the bottom.

The son jumps and shouts "cereal!!!" and land in a huge bowl of cereal.

The mother jumps and yells "a convertable" and lands in a new convertible.

The father looks and thinks hard what to wish for.
Instead he slips and screams "shit!!!!!"......
I heard a different version of that joke. In the one I heard, they don't jump and land in what they wish for, it just appears.
The guy yelled "Holy shit!" and a white bundle appeared at his feet.... it was the Pope's diaper.
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Old 12-03-2007, 10:51 PM   #40
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Old 12-03-2007, 10:56 PM   #41
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A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."
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Old 12-04-2007, 12:43 AM   #42
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Two doctors meet in a bar, they flirt, talk, have drinks, and soon start to get intimate, after a little play they head back to the mans apartment. After a little foreplay they are sitting in bed recovering, the man turns to the woman and says "i bet i know what kind of doctor you are" the woman says "alright shoot" the man replies "your a plastic surgeon" shocked the woman says "thats right how did you know?" the man says "well you were great with your hands, it was easy" the woman says "alright i know what kind of doctor you are, your an anesthesiologist" suprised the man says "well thats right how did you know?" the woman looks at him and says "because i didn't feel anything"
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Old 12-04-2007, 09:32 PM   #43
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Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...:

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!
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Old 12-04-2007, 09:36 PM   #44
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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
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Old 12-04-2007, 10:50 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally posted by bammo2
What's ET short for?








Cos he's got little legs


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