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Old 11-22-2007, 07:41 AM   #16
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Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

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Old 11-22-2007, 10:58 AM   #17
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These are great, keep 'em comin'!

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Old 11-22-2007, 10:05 PM   #18
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and, we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Cardonay, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saladas an a bax cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fink ar in ned ov inr pece.

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Old 11-22-2007, 10:37 PM   #19
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There was a small family who lived somewhere in back woods Appalachia. They were dirt poor, and the area was in a severe drought, so their only hope of survival for the year was for their prize dairy cow to provide enough milk to sell, and maybe a calf.

One day, the farmer walks down to the river to look for his only son. He hadn't been around for a few hours, and there was work that needed to be done. He brought along a gun, just in case his son had been set upon by wild animals. But when the farmer arrived at the river, all he saw was the family's only cow, bloody and lifeless, lying dead on the river bank. Distraught, he cried out "I'm destitute! There's no hope for me in the world now." He put his shotgun under his chin and pulled the trigger.

An hour or two later, the farmer's wife starts to get concerned about where her son and husband are, so she heads down to the river herself. She sees the family cow dead and bloody and her husband with the top of his head shot off, and exclaims "my love is dead, and my family is bankrupt! There's no reason for me to keep living." So she leaped into the river's strong current and drowned herself.

A while later, the farmers' son decided to look around for his missing parents, and made his way down to the river. He saw his dead father, his mother's bloated body on the river bank, and the dead cow, and cried out "my whole family is gone and I've got nothing left to live for!" So he wass about to smash his head into the biggest boulder he ccould find to end his life.

All of a sudden, a gorgeous mermaid pops out of the river, and said "wait! I'm a magical mermaid and I can manipulate time! I can reverse all this so that your cow and your family will all be well again."

"Well gee," said the young man. "That sounds great!"

"There's only one condition," said the mermaid. "You've got to have sex with me for an hour, and give me 20 orgasms in that time, or else I can't affect time at all!"

So the young man thinks about it for a few seconds and then says, "alright. I'll do it." He begins to take off his shirt, and then stops abruptly. He turns to the mermaid and says "wait a do I know that won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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Old 11-25-2007, 08:47 PM   #20
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Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
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Old 11-26-2007, 09:37 AM   #21
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There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically USELESS on dates......


What did Linda Lovelace's dentist say after he checked her?
"I've never come across such teeth"

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Old 11-26-2007, 09:55 PM   #22
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Old 11-27-2007, 06:13 AM   #23
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The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's peni s was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:00 AM   #24
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A small plane is flying over the Pacific Ocean from New Zealand to Australia. Besides the pilot, it is carrying an American, a South African, an Australian, and a New Zealander. Suddenly, the plane begins to abruptly descent and the pilot turns to his passengers:

"Guys, I don't know how to tell you this, but if one of you doesn't jump out, the plane will plummet into the ocean and we will all die."

Instantly, the American stands up and goes to the door. He proclaims "I'm doing this for my country!" and jumps to his death.

This initially seems to help the pilot regain control, but soon it's apparent that the plane is still descending at an alarming rate. "Sorry," says the pilot, "but another one of you will have to jump."

"I'm doing this for my country!" says the South African, and he jumps out.

The plane levels off a little, and then suddenly dives even more. The pilot turns and says, "I can definitely save the plane and reach land, but only if another one of you jumps."

"I'm doing this for my country!" exclaims the New Zealander, and he pushes the Australian out.
"Mediocrity is never so dangerous as when it is dressed up as sincerity." - Søren Kierkegaard

Ian McCulloch the U2 fan:
"Who buys U2 records anyway? It's just music for plumbers and bricklayers. Bono, what a slob. You'd think with all that climbing about he does, he'd look real fit and that. But he's real fat, y'know. Reminds me of a soddin' mountain goat."
"And as for Bono, he needs a colostomy bag for his mouth."

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Old 11-27-2007, 11:27 AM   #25
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Old 11-27-2007, 10:13 PM   #26
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Originally posted by Axver
"I'm doing this for my country!" exclaims the New Zealander, and he pushes the Australian out.
Nice one!
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Old 11-28-2007, 09:20 AM   #27
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Two canibals were eating a man.

One canibal started eating at the man's head, the other started with the man's feet.

The canibal who started eating with the top of the man's said to the other canibal, "How are you doing down there?"

The other canibal replied, "Great, I'm having a ball."
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Old 11-29-2007, 09:50 AM   #28
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Originally posted by DaveC
It was particularly busy one night at a popular nightclub in a town with a huge military base. Lots of soldiers were out, and accordingly lots of the town's girls were too. Everyone was drinking a lot and having a good time, except for one rather old-looking Sergeant who simply stood by himself with a very stoic look on his face all night.

At one point, a rather drunk girl noticed he'd been standing there almost at attention for a very long time.

"Look at that guy over there," she said to her friend. "I bet I can get him moving."

So she walked up to the sergeant and said, "Hey there. I noticed you're not very happy."

"Not true, ma'am," was the reply from the sergeant, who stood staring straight ahead. "I just got home from my 10th Army tour of duty. Glad to be here."

"Wow!" exclaimed the young woman. "Ten tours, huh? How does your wife feel about that?"

"I'm not married, and I never have been," replied the sergeant.

"Oh," the young woman said. "Well, no wonder you're so unexcited. You're away from women all the time and have nobody to come back to when your work is done. When's the last time you got laid?"

"1955," replied the sergeant.

So the young woman, feeling particularly sorry for the poor old guy, and also feeling particularly drunk, decided to take him home and give him what he'd been missing for so long.

So she did.

After it was all over, they were lying in bed. She was covered in sweat. She turned to him, still breathless, and said "Wow! That was unbelievable! I can't believe that after all that time you haven't lost your touch!"

"I better not have," the sergeant replied. "It's only 2130 now."

I can't believe I ALMOST replied to this and said......I don't get it.... I of it like 2 minutes later

Originally posted by LemonMacPhisto
I was going to list some dead baby jokes... but those are just brutal.

And they're only funny in person. Rapid-fire style. should meet my husband

Originally posted by LemonMacPhisto
Okay, okay, here's one:

How many dead babies does it take to fill a dumpster?

I don't get this one.....and you're horrible.....just like my husband

just kidding.....but seriously....those dead baby jokes are horrible....and now you've got me laughing and i know I shouldnt be and I feel horrible! stop it!
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Old 11-29-2007, 12:22 PM   #29
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table...

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed,

"...let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Old 11-29-2007, 04:31 PM   #30
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