Is it possible to keep one's friends when they pair off? - U2 Feedback

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Old 01-07-2002, 07:17 PM   #1
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Is it possible to keep one's friends when they pair off?

As I am of the ripe young age of 22, it has been more and more frequent that close friends of mine are either getting involved in serious dating relationships, engaged, and/or married. Now while this is all well and good and I am happy for my friends' happiness...I must admit, it has put a huge dent in my social life. lol. I mean, the married ones that have kids can't go out and do things without long-term planning. The engaged ones have EVERY night scheduled with their beloved and really don't want a third wheel along. And an evening with plain ol' buddy sula just can't compete with an evening with the love of one's life.

So what do you do? Do you just go make more single friends? Do you keep calling your busy "couple" friends and keep suffering the rejection time after time? What?

Or do you sit on your computer and post threads in internet forums like this? lol.

-sula

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~I want to play the guitar very badly, and I do play the guitar very badly - Bono~

Take a virtual tour of U2's Dublin... Crzy4Bono's U2 page with some of Sula's Dublin pic's

Sula's Europe and U2 Concert Pics

Ik ben een vrouw, hoor mij eens brullen!!
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Old 01-07-2002, 07:46 PM   #2
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The last one.
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Old 01-07-2002, 08:02 PM   #3
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I've been down this road many times Sula. I find that with my friends who are a couple you begin to not have the same things in common like you once did before. So I try to find other single friends and take it from there.
Try to hang in there, I know things will get better for you.
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Old 01-07-2002, 08:27 PM   #4
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My 2 best friends were both paired off for a time, one still is, and yeah it gets really awkward at times, they certainly become harder to reach or have a good ole nite out again...dont really have a resolution on this one, other than to say i have enjoyed chatting to sula lately
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Old 01-08-2002, 12:17 AM   #5
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Uh, a couple of years ago my best friend started sleeping with my girlfriend. The two of them then managed to alienate (too complicated to explain) another couple who were among my closest friends as well. That couple moved out of state. In the ensuing ruckus (again too complicated to explain) my other last remaining close friend and I nearly came to blows and we've never really been close since. SOOO...there was a lot of free time for MAP to post to the internet for a while.

MAP

p.s.- Is your best friend handsome? Is your girlfriend gorgeous? Don't introduce them.
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Old 01-08-2002, 12:33 AM   #6
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Well, for ME, the answer to that one is big fat NO. Unlike Bono/Ali/Guggi/Gavin, who are lucky enough to have all hung together literally through thick and thin over the years (and have worked at it), from my own personal experience, there is not ONE friend that I have remained friends with through the years in the same way that I was friends with them when we were both single. Not one. This is one of the biggest emotional pains in my life (she confessed). It usually goes like this:
  • Friend finds guy.
    Friend suddenly is joined at hip with guy.
    Friend is suddenly part of "a couple"
    Couple starts hanging with other couply type people. Single friend practically has to beg for some 'friend time' with friend.
    Couple gets married. See friend very infrequently now. Esp. if a house is involved.
    Majority of couple's friends are couples.
    Couple become pregnant. Very excited. Less and less in common with single friends now.
    Child is born, couple's world now revolves around it. NO time whatsoever for single friends.
    Couple now searches for couples with kids.
    Majority of couple's friends are now MwK.

    Fast forward a few years, the flip side:
    Find out many former friends now getting divorces. Want shoulder to cry on. Want friend 'alone time' again.
    Former friends are now friends again, but still have kids, and are either bitter or constantly on the prowl.
    Single person ends up on Internet lists. Like this one.

Whatever the scenario, the single friend is on the losing end...and not for lack of trying!!!

Bitter? Who, me?

[This message has been edited by Discoteque (edited 01-07-2002).]
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Old 01-08-2002, 01:27 AM   #7
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Jesus, Discoteque. I don't know whether to feel better about my life after reading your post or worse.

MAP
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Old 01-08-2002, 04:16 AM   #8
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yeah, it's rather a bummer, MAP, but it's just a vicious cycle. *shrug*

and it's what's happened to each and every one of my friends...my former 'soulmate' girlfriend of years ago, one of those 'best friends' that you are lucky enough to have once in your life, got married, bought a house, and I have tried to contact her on numerous occasions both via phone and email, I've even talked to her husband a few times, but she never gets back to me...I don't know what to make of that. I mean, I'm still 'friends' with these people, but only on a somewhat acquaintance like basis.

One can only keep trying to keep the friendship alive for so long before giving up. It bothers me a lot but I just have to get over and on with it....it's weird...
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Old 01-08-2002, 05:11 AM   #9
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It all depends on your friends and the stage of the relationship.

Im married and i got friends from before I met my hubby and so does he has his friends. We are both willing to give the other some space to meet old friends and hang out with them. And Im not friends with all of his old pals, but I think that its necessary for us to keep in touch with people we used to hang out with before we met.

But that largely depends on yourself. Sula, maybe you should be patient and dont give up on your friends, because they only want to see their loved ones right now. This will change in time, believe me. Just dont give up on them, so you wont lose their friendship.

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Old 01-08-2002, 10:29 AM   #10
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Awww, Sula. I know what you mean in that although I'm part of a couple, my other friends are now at the baby stage, and I almost never speak to them now, which is a real shame, but then again we don't have much in common in general any more. Maybe that's not so bad, especially because my interference friends have pretty much taken over my friendship life!

One of my best friends (whom I've known since kindergarden) is single, and we make plans to see each other whenever we can. It usually requires advance planning, but sometimes we do things quite spontaneously. I think it's so important for married couples to get away from each other and hang out with their own friends, pursue their own interests etc. Nothing is more boring than losing your identity and becoming just part of a couple (says "Mrs. Edge"! Hah!)

Not that this helps you much of course Sula, but you should probably just talk to your engaged friends and tell them how you feel. They are probably so absorbed in the new relationship that they haven't even noticed they are neglecting you. (((HUG)))
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Old 01-08-2002, 10:35 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Discoteque:
Well, for ME, the answer to that one is big fat NO. Unlike Bono/Ali/Guggi/Gavin, who are lucky enough to have all hung together literally through thick and thin over the years (and have worked at it), from my own personal experience, there is not ONE friend that I have remained friends with through the years in the same way that I was friends with them when we were both single. Not one. This is one of the biggest emotional pains in my life (she confessed). It usually goes like this:
  • Friend finds guy.
    Friend suddenly is joined at hip with guy.
    Friend is suddenly part of "a couple"
    Couple starts hanging with other couply type people. Single friend practically has to beg for some 'friend time' with friend.
    Couple gets married. See friend very infrequently now. Esp. if a house is involved.
    Majority of couple's friends are couples.
    Couple become pregnant. Very excited. Less and less in common with single friends now.
    Child is born, couple's world now revolves around it. NO time whatsoever for single friends.
    Couple now searches for couples with kids.
    Majority of couple's friends are now MwK.

    Fast forward a few years, the flip side:
    Find out many former friends now getting divorces. Want shoulder to cry on. Want friend 'alone time' again.
    Former friends are now friends again, but still have kids, and are either bitter or constantly on the prowl.
    Single person ends up on Internet lists. Like this one.

Whatever the scenario, the single friend is on the losing end...and not for lack of trying!!!

Bitter? Who, me?

[This message has been edited by Discoteque (edited 01-07-2002).]
So true Disco, So true.
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Old 01-08-2002, 10:41 AM   #12
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It's probably different with guys, but I haven't had too hard of a time keeping contact with friends who have "coupled, engaged, housed, married, birthed" etc. etc. etc.

Often, you need to find a connection on their level (which will undoubtedly make you more mature and prepared for these steps if/when you get to them). Offer them help with the kid, the house, the wedding, counseling, etc. It means more effort on your part, but I believe it is appreciated. Help them learn balance.

And, at the same time, continue to make new friends. I NEVER want my continuing circle of friends to stop growing.

P.S. - don't forget to call your fellow single friend Sula if you are hanging out, even if they are a pest.....lol.

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Old 01-08-2002, 10:58 AM   #13
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*sigh* Yeah, Disco, I'm afraid of that whole scenario you have just described. I've gone through about the whole gamut except for the divorce part (yet) and it's very off-putting. I mean, I try. I really do. I've called my friends and I've tried to make myself available and to go out of my way to fit into "their" schedule, but I'm only human. I don't particularly like feeling like I'm the only one who cares about a friendship. Every time I call, they are busy. And usually "busy" means spending time with their significant other. And that's fine, I suppose. It lets me know how valuable (or not) my friendship is to them. After a time, I guess I just emotionally pull out.

I have an especially hard time with this because I grew up in such a mobile environment. Deep down, whenever things start to go south in a friendship, I think my brain just clicks off and I think "oh well. I don't need them anyways. I'll be moving soon and if I'm not close to them, then that's good because the parting will hurt less." Pragmatic me.

blah blah. Oh well. I hope no one thinks I'm a total depressive person or anything. I don't think I am. I guess it's just really been hitting me all at once lately. Too many friends pairing off all at once, and suddenly my social circle is all gone. On the upside tho, I've been meeting some neat local U2 fans! And that is always a good thing. hehe.

AM, I must say...you and your hubby are an example to me of a very stable, healthy marriage. If I ever get married, I hope I'm like you. Seriously, you guys were great to hang out with.

Anyways, thanks everyone for your input. I know I'm not the first one to go through this and won't be the last. lol. Part of the whole growing-up thing I guess, huh?

-sula

p.s. brettig, that's mutual.

p.s.s. zone...what pest?
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Old 01-08-2002, 11:44 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by sulawesigirl4:

p.s.s. zone...what pest?


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Old 01-08-2002, 12:05 PM   #15
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To be honest, I would kill to have single friends that were available to hang out with. I've been in a "serious" relationship for over 3 years now, and since moving in with my boyfriend, all of my single friends have disappeared I kept calling them, but they just were too busy going to bars, clubs, school, whathaveyou and didn't want the "girl with the boyfriend" along.
It's not like I act like I have a boyfriend when I'm out at night - I flirt and meet other guys. Just because I'm not going to snog or shag them doesn't make me less fun.

I never get why when some people get into a couple it becomes their whole universe. Some of my girlfriends just melt into their boyfriends and it's sad. There's nothing wrong with caring for someone, but it's also good to retain some sort of autonomy too.

My boyfriend and I never look for other couples to hang out with. I think it's creepy - to have a coupla couples hanging out being couples, all into their "couple-ness." Pretty soon, you have football parties or dinner parties with the couples sitting on their seats or couches and just making out and not talking to the other couples. Or you go out to dinner and talk about domestic shit and then once the wine is served, the coupla couples go back to thinking about their "couple-ness" and thinking about what kind of coupling they will do when they get home. It's so AGGRAVATING!! arghargh! LOL! Gross!

Anywho.. no more coffee for me today! lol.
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